B    3   3MS    5=17 


CHARM  SCHOOL 


^LICE  DUER  MILLER 
ROBERT 


4MUEL  FRENCH,  25  West  45th  St.,  New  Yorfl 


PRIDE  AND  PREJUDICE 

Comedy.  3  acts.  By  Helen  Jerome.  10  males,  16 
females.  3  interiors.  Costumes,  1796. 

An  immensely  successful  production  in  New  York  and  Lon 
don,  The  play  concentrates  on  Mrs.  Bennri's  determination 
to  get  her  daughters  married.  Jane.  Elizabeth  and  Lvdia  are 
likely-looking  girls  in  an  unlikely -looking  period  when  a 
woman's  one  possible  career  is  matrimony.  To  be  a  wife  was 
success.  Anything  else  was  failure.  Jane  and  her  Mr.  Bingley, 
and  Lydia  with  her  Mr.  Wickham,  are  quite  content  with  the 
god  of  things  as  they  are,  but  not  Eli/abeth!  She  actualiy  re 
fuses  to  marry  Mr.  Collins,  whom  she  openly  deplores,  and 
Mr.  Darcy  whom  she  secretly  adores.  The  play  is  the  story 
of  the  duel  between  Elizabeth  and  her  pride  aiid  Darcy  and 
his  prejudice.  Each  gives  in  before  the  evening  is  over  and 
pride  and  prejudice  meet  halfway.  An  ideal  costume  play, 
for  schools,  colleges  and  Little  Theatres.  "This  particular  re 
viewer  went  to  the  Music  Box  last  night  prepared  to  be  bored, 
and  remained  to  be  interested."— Percy  Hammond,  N.  Y.  Her 
ald  Tribune.  "An  intelligent  script."— Brooks  Atkinson,  N.  Y. 
Times.  In  ordering  please  mention  name  of  author  of  this 
version. 

(Royalty,  $25.00.)  Price,  75  cents. 


LEAVE   IT  TO  PSMITH 

Farce-comedy.  3  acts.  By  Ian  Hay  and  P.  G.  Wode- 
house.  10  males,  8  females.  3  interiors,  exterior. 
Modern  costumes. 

This  is  one  of  the  most  amusing  and  rollicking  farces  that 
has  come  our  way  in  a  long  time.  Freddie  Bosham  is  in  love 
with  Phyllis  Jackson  but  her  father  won't  let  them  marry 
unless  Freddie  gets  a  job  or  at  least  shows  good  faith  by 
putting  some  money  into  the  Jackson  Jam  business.  Of  course 
the  first  choice  is  out  of  the  question,  for  the  Boshams  are 
aristocrats  and  never  labor.  How  Freddie  manages  to  raise 
the  money  through  the  assistance  of  Ronald  Eustace  Psmith,  a 
general  fixer-up,  is  hilariously  unfolded  in  three  acts  of  fast 
action  and  excitement  brought  about  by  the  endeavors  of 
several  crooks  to  steal  the  jewels  belonging  to  Freddie's  domi 
neering  stepmother.  The  cast  consists  of  an  assortment  of  some 
of  the  most  unusual  and  laugh-provoking  characters  ever  pre 
sented  on  the  stage.  This  play  is  bound  to  satisfy  any  audience 
that  enjoys  a  good  evening's  spoofing. 

(Royalty,  $25.00.)  Price,  75  cents. 


The  Charm  School 

A  COMEDY  IN  THREE  ACTS 


BY 

ALICE  DUER  MILLER 

AND  ' 
ROBERT  MILTON 

COPYRIGHT,  1919,  BY  ALICE  DUER  MILLER  AK» 
ROBERT  MILTON 

COPYRIGHT,  1922,  BY  SAMUEL  FRENCH 
All  Rights  Reserved 


CAUTION  —  Professionals  and  amateurs  are  hereby 
warned  that  "THE  CHARM  SCHOOL,"  being  fully 
protected  under  the  copyright  laws  of  the  United 
States,  Great  Britain  and  Canada,  is  subject  to  a 
royalty,  and  anyone  presenting  the  play  without  the 
consent  of  the  owners  or  their  authorized  agents 
will  be  liable  to  the  penalties  by  law  provided.  Appli 
cations  for  the  amateur  acting  rights  must  be  made 
to  SAMUEL  FRENCH,  25  West  45th  St.,  New  York.  Ap 
plications  for  the  professional  acting  rights  must  be 
made  to  Julia  R.  Tutwiler,  471  Park  Avenue,  New 
York. 


NEW  YORK 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 
25  WEST  45TH  STREET 


LONDON 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  LTD. 

26  SOUTHAMPTON  STREET 

STRAND 


"The  Charm  School" 
All  Rights  Reserved 


Especial  notice  should  be  taken  that  the  possession  of 
this  book  without  a  valid  contract  for  production  first 
having  been  obtained  from  the  publisher,  confers  no  right 
or  license  to  professionals  or  amateurs  to  produce  the  play 
publicly  or  in  private  for  gain  or  charity. 

In  its  present  form  this  play  is  dedicated  to  the  reading 
public  only,   and   no    performance,    representation,    produc-   j 
tion,   recitation,   or   public    reading,    or    radio    broadcasting   I 
may  be  given  except  by  special  arrangement  with  Samuel 
French,  25  West  45th   Street,   New   York. 

This  play  may  be  presented  by  amateurs  upon  payment 
of  a  royalty  of  Twenty-Five  Dollars  for  each  performance, 
payable  to  Samuel  French,  25  West  45th  Street,  New 
York,  one  week  before  the  date  when  the  play  is  given. 

Whenever  the  play  is  produced  the  following  notice  must 
appear  on  all  programs,  printing  and  advertising  for  the 
play:  "Produced  by  special  arrangement  with  Samuel 
French  of  New  York." 

Attention  is  called  to  the  penalty  provided  by  law  for 
any  infringement  of  the  author's  rights,  as  follows: 

"SECTION  4966: — Any  person  publicly  performing  or  rep 
resenting  any  dramatic  or  musical  composition  for  which 
copyright  has  been  obtained,  without  the  consent  of  the 
proprietor  of  said  dramatic  or  musical  composition,  or  his 
heirs  and  assigns,  shall  be  liable  for  damages  thereof,  such 
damages,  in  all  cases  to  be  assessed  at  such  sum,  not  less 
than  one  hundred  dollars  for  the  first  and  fifty  dollars  for 
every  subsequent  performance,  as  to  the  court  shall  appear 
to  be  just.  If  the  unlawful  performance  and  representation 
be  wilful  and  for  profit,  such  person  or  persons  shall  be 
guilty  of  a  misdemeanor,  and  upon  conviction  shall  be  im 
prisoned  for  a  period  not  exceeding  one  year." — U.  S. 
Revised  Statutes:  Title  60,  Chap.  3. 


Primed  in  the  United  States  of  America  by 
THE  RICHMOND  HILL.  RECORD.  RICHMOND  HILL.  N.  Y. 


The  following  is  a  copy  of  the  play-bill  of  the  first 
performance  of  "THE  CHARM  SCHOOL"  at  the 
New  Bijou  Theatre,  New  York  City,  beginning 
Monday  evening,  August  2,  1920. 

MR.  ROBERT  MILTON 

PRESENTS 

"THE  CHARM  SCHOOL" 
A  COMEDY 

BY 

ALICE  DUER  MILLER  and  ROBERT  MILTON 

With  a  Wee  Bit  of  Music  by  Jerome  Kern 

To  Begin  With 

AUSTIN  BEVANS Mr.  Sam  Hardy 

An  automobile  salesman  with  IDEAS,  which 

DAVID  MACKENZIE Mr.  Ivan  Simpson 

A  law  student,  considers  unpractical,  though 

GEORGE  BOYD Mr.  James  Gleason 

An  expert  accountant,  is  willing  to  co-operate 
and  so  are 

JIM  SIMPKINS Mr.  Neil  Martin 

and 

TIM  SIMPKINS Mr.  Morgan  Farley 

Who  toil  not  and  have  never  seriously  consid 
ered  spinning. 

HOMER  JOHNS Mr.  Rapley  Holmes 

is  the  guardian  of 

ELISE  BENEDOTTI Miss  Marie  Carrill 

the  president  of  the  senior  class  at  a  school 
presided  over  by 

Miss  HAYS Miss  Margaret  Dale 

who  is  loved  and  feared  by  all  who  know  her, 
including  the  secretary, 
3 


r: 


4  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

Miss  CURTIS Miss  Minnie  Dupree 

who  is  always  trying  to  think  well  of  the  senior 
class,  consisting  of 

SALLY  BOYD Miss  Blyth  Daly 

who  is  GEORGE'S  sister,  and 

MURIEL  DOUGHTY Miss  Florence  McGuire 

ETHEL  SPELVIN Miss  Carolyn  Arnold 

ALIX  MERCIER Miss  Theodora  Larocque 

LILLIAN  STAFFORD Miss  Frances  McLaughlin 

MADGE  KENT Miss  Mary  Mead 

CHARLOTTE  GRAY .Miss  Camilla  Lyon 

and  it  is  hardly  worth  while  to  mention  a 
junior 

DOTSIE Miss  Constance  McLaughlin 

who  is  always  in  the  way. 


ACT  I. — Evening.     The  boys'  room  on  the  top  floor  of 
an  old-fashioned  New  York  house. 

ACT  II. — The  Main  Hall  of  the  School. 
Scene  1 — Noon. 
Scene  2 — About  two  weeks  later. 

Between  Scenes  1  and  2  the  curtain  will  be  lowered 
about  two  minutes  to  indicate  passing  time. 

ACT  III. — Scene  1 — Midnight  on  the  Road. 
Scene  2 — The  next  morning. 


LONDON  PRODUCTION 


THE  COMEDY  THEATRE 

(Licensed  by  the  Lord  Chamberlain) 

flNTON  STREET,  HAYMARKET  (Nearest  Station,  Piccadilly  Tube) 

ARTHUR  CHUDLEIGH 


essee 


PAUL  MURRAY  and  T.  F.  DAWE,  by  arrangement  with 
WILLIAM   EDELSTEN 

present 

THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

A  Comedy  by  Alice  Duer  Miller  and  Robert  Milton 
Based  on  the  Story  by  Alice  Duer  Miller 


eter  Bevans 
>avid  Mackenzie 
reorge  Boyd 


im  Bradbury 

and 
im  Bradbury 
[omer  Johns 
]lise  Challoner 

[iss  Hayes 


liss  Curtis 


CAST 

a  Motor  Dealer  with  ideas, 

which 
a  Law  Student  considers 

unpractical,   though 

an  Expert   Accountant,   is 

willing  to  co-operate  and 

so  are 

who  toil  not  and  have  never 
seriously  considered 

spinning. 

is  the  guardian  of 
the  head  of  the  senior  class 
at  a  school  presided  over  by 
who  is  loved  and  feared  by 

all  who  know  her — 

including  the  Secretary — 

who  is  always  trying  to 

think  well  of  the  senior 

class,  consisting  of 
who  is  George's  sister 

The 

Young 

Ladies 

of 

the 
School 


MR.  OWEN  NARES 
MR.  DAVID  MILLER 
MR.  KENNETH  KENT 

MR.  HUGH  DEMPSTER 

MR.  RONALD  HAMMOND 
MR.  FEWLASS  LLEWELLYN 
Miss  MEGGIE  ALBANESI 
By  permission  of  Reandean\ 
Miss  LENA  HALLIDAY 

Miss  SYDNEY  FAIRBROTHER 


Miss  MARGERY  MEADOWS 
Miss  MAUREEN  DILLON 
Miss  ETHEL  FISHER 
Miss  DONNETT  PAYNTER 
Miss  MARY  EWIN 
Miss  KATHLEEN  COPE 
Miss  MARGARET  ELSTON 
Miss  DOROTHY  ELSTON 
Miss  LALLA  CRAGG 
Miss  CELIA  ELSON 
Miss  EDNA  GORDON 


CHARACTERS 

To  Begin  With 

AUSTIN  BEVANS, 

An  automobile  salesman  with  IDEAS,  which 
DAVID  MACKENZIE, 

A   law  student,   considers  unpractical,   though 
GEORGE  BOYD, 
An  expert  accountant,  is  willing  to  co-operate, 

and  also 
JIM  SIMPKINS 

and 
TIM  SIMPKINS, 

Who  toil  not  and  have  never  seriously  consid 
ered  spinning. 

HOMER  JOHNS  is  the  guardian  of 
ELISE  BENEDOTTI, 

The  President  of  the  senior  class  at  a  school 

presided  over  by 
Miss  HAYS, 

Who  is  loved  and  feared  by  all  who  know  her, 

including  her  secretary t 
Miss  CURTIS, 

Who  is  always  trying  to  think  well  of  the  seniov 

class,  consisting  of 

SALLY  BOYD,  who  is  GEORGE'S  sister,  and 
MURIEL  DOUGHTY, 
ETHEL   SPELVIN, 
ALIX  MERCIER, 
LILLIAN  STAFFORD, 
MADGE  KENT. 

It  is  hardly  worth  while  to  mention  a  juniorf 
DOTSIE,  who  is  always  in  the  way. 


SYNOPSIS  OF  SCENES 


ACT  I :   Evening.    The  boy's  room  on  the  top  floor 
of  an  old-fashioned  New  York  house. 


ACT  II :    The  Main  Hall  of  the  School. 

SCENE  I:     Noon.     Scene  II:    About  two  weeks 

later. 

Between  scenes  one  and  two  the   curtain   will   be 
lowered  two  minutes  to  indicate  passing  time. 


ACT  III,  SCENE  I :   Midnight,  on  the  road. 
SCENE  II :  The  next  morning  at  the  school. 


*  NOTE.— Scene  I  of  Act  III  may  be  omitted,  as  the  play 
is  complete  without  it. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 


ACT  I 

SCENE  :  Shabby  sitting  room  on  top  floor  of  an  old- 
fashioned  New  York  house,  turned  into  flats. 
The  doors  and  windows  are  high  and  the  tops 
rounded.  The  walls  are  painted  a  light  tan 
color.  On  L.,  about  two  feet  above  the  return, 
is  the  door — swings  outward.  General  entrance 
from  outside.  An  oblique  piece  joins  the  door 
piece  to  a  flat  running  on  stage,  and  contains 
large  double  doors  that  swing  up  stage  into  the 
kitchen. 

A  blank  piece  joins  the  on-stage  edge  of  the 
above  flat,  runs  up  stage.  The  back  flat  proper 
joins  the  up  stage  edge  of  this  piece  and  runs 
across  to  R.  side.  There  are  two  double  windows 
in  the  back  flat.  On  R.  joining  the  return  a  blank 
piece  runs  upstage  straight,  joins  a  fireplace 
piece,  set  obliquely,  and  a  blank  piece  joins  this 
to  the  back  flat. 

A  narrow  piece  about  thirty  inches  deep  runs 
from  tip-stage  edge  of  fireplace  straight  across 
to  the  small  flat  piece  at  L.C.  containing  the 
double  doors  to  the  kitchen,  giving  an  effect  of 
an  altered  room  or  alcove.  Two  posts  support 
them,  having  the  effect  of  supporting  the  parti 
tion  of  narrow  piece. 

Back  of  the  double  doors  is  the  kitchen,  with 
the  dumb-waiter,  in  the  backing,  which  swings 
down  stage  and  on.    The  practical  dumb-waiter 
is  directly  back  of  the  double  door. 
9 


io  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

A  drop  representing  house-tops  backs  the 
windows.  Interior  backing  for  door  L.  Gen 
eral  entrance.  Fireplace  backing.  Ceilings. 

(NOTE. — A   simplified  stage  setting  for  this  act  will 
be  found  at  the  back  of  the  play.) 

TIME  :  Late  afternoon  of  a  day  in  Spring. 

DISCOVERED  :  DAVID  is  sitting  on  the  big  easy  chair, 
smoking  his  pipe  and  reading  law.  As  he  reads 
clouds  of  smoke  rise  and  he  gets  hotter  and 
hotter,  finally  he  lays  the  book  on  the  table, 
takes  off  a  green  eye-shade  he  has  been  wear 
ing,  rubs  his  hands  across  his  forehead  and 
starts  to  take  off  his  coat.  A  buzzer  sounds. 
He  goes  to  kitchen  door  and  opening  it,  reveals 
dumb-waiter. 

DAVID.     (Down  waiter)     Aye 

VOICE  (Washerwoman's  voice)    Wash  coming  up. 

DAVID.  Let  her  come.  (The  squeaking  of  the 
waiter  is  heard.)  That's  good !  (He  lifts  a  clothes- 
basket  with  a  check  cover  from  the  dumb-waiter.) 
Take  her  away. 

(Deposits  it  L.  of  chair  c.  He  starts  back  toward 
his  easy  chair,  thinks  of  the  ice  in  the  refrigera 
tor,  goes  into  kitchen  and  takes  out  a  couple  of 
small  pieces — smaller  than  his  fist — puts  them 
in  a  brown  bowl  and  starts  back  toward  his 
chair.  When  c.,  takes  a  piece  out  of  the  bowl 
and  rubs  it  across  his  forehead,  goes  to  easy 
chair,  puts  bowl  and  ice  in  front  of  a  small  elec 
tric  fan  there.  Picks  up  a  piece  of  newspaper 
on  the  floor,  wipes  his  hands  on  it,  drops  it,  sees 
the  ice  is  too  low  in  the  bowl  for  the  fan  to  do 
any  good,  puts  bowl  on  floor,  picks  up  the  paper 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  n 

again,  makes  a  ball  of  it  and  puts  it  under  the 
ice  so  as  to  raise  it  above  the  edge  of  the  bowl. 
Sits  down,  turns  on  switch  of  fan,  picks  up  book 
and  starts  to  read  again.  Fidgets  with  the  fan 
to  get  the  most  breeze,  finally  settles  back  and 
commences  to  read.  JIM  is  heard  outside 
whistling  one  of  the  latest  dancing  tunes.  He 
enters  L. — ''General  Entrance." — Slams  door. 
DAVID  looks  up.  JIM  whistles  louder,  goes  to 
bureau,  leaves  his  hat  on  upper  end,  turns  with 
a  dancing  step  to  the  bench  L.  of  table  c., 
straddles  it.  slides  along,  flops  down,  stretches 
out  hands  under  his  head — feet  on  lower  end 
of  table.) 

JIM.  Gee,  it's  great  to  get  home,  when  the  day's 
work  is  over. 

DAVID.    Work ! 

JIM.  David,  you  lazy  creature.  I  believe  you 
haven't  done  a  thing  but  sit  there  all  day  feeding  that 
great,  greedy  mind  of  yours.  You  ought  to  be 
ashamed. 

DAVID.  (A  little  startled  by  this  attack)  And 
what  have  you  been  doing? 

JIM.  We've  been  keeping  up  our  physical  morale, 
David ;  we've  been  dancing  for  four  solid  hours. 

(The  'phone  on  bureau  rings.  DAVID  turns  off  his 
fan,  rises  and  goes  to  it.  JIM  commences  to 
whistle  again,  keeping  time  with  his  foot,  which 
is  on  the  table.) 

DAVID.  (To  JIM  to  stop  his  whistling)  Shss-s! 
(JiM  stops.  In  'phone)  Yep?  I  said  hullo — No, 
Mr.  Bevans  has  not  come  in  yet.  .  .  Oh,  any  time 
now. — Very  well,  hold  the  wire — I  said  hold  the 
wire.  (To  JIMJ  Have  you  got  a  pencil?  (Takes 
it  from  JIM,  finds  a  piece  of  paper  on  bureau) 


io  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

A  drop  representing  house-tops  backs  the 
windows.  Interior  backing  for  door  L.  Gen 
eral  entrance.  Fireplace  backing.  Ceilings. 

(NOTE. — A   simplified  stage  setting  for  this  act  will 
be  found  at  the  back  of  the  play.) 

TIME  :  Late  afternoon  of  a  day  in  Spring. 

DISCOVERED  :  DAVID  is  sitting  on  the  big  easy  chair, 
smoking  his  pipe  and  reading  law.  As  he  reads 
clouds  of  smoke  rise  and  he  gets  hotter  and 
hotter,  finally  he  lays  the  book  on  the  table, 
takes  off  a  green  eye-shade  he  has  been  wear 
ing,  rubs  his  hands  across  his  forehead  and 
starts  to  take  off  his  coat.  A  buzzer  sounds. 
He  goes  to  kitchen  door  and  opening  it,  reveals 
dumb-waiter. 

DAVID.     (Down  ivaiter)     Aye 

VOICE  (Washerwoman's  voice)    Wash  coming  up. 

DAVID.  Let  her  come.  (The  squeaking  of  the 
waiter  is  heard.)  That's  good!  (He  lifts  a  clothes- 
basket  with  a  check  cover  from  the  dumb-waiter.) 
Take  her  away. 

(Deposits  it  L.  of  chair  c.  He  starts  back  toward 
his  easy  chair,  thinks  of  the  ice  in  the  refrigera 
tor,  goes  into  kitchen  and  takes  out  a  couple  of 
small  pieces — smaller  than  his  fist — puts  them 
in  a  brown  bowl  and  starts  back  toward  his 
chair.  When  c.,  takes  a  piece  out  of  the  bowl 
and  rubs  it  across  his  forehead,  goes  to  easy 
chair,  puts  boiul  and  ice  in  front  of  a  small  elec 
tric  fan  there.  Picks  up  a  piece  of  newspaper 
on  the  floor,  wipes  his  hands  on  it,  drops  it,  sees 
the  ice  is  too  low  in  the  bowl  for  the  fan  to  do 
any  good,  puts  bowl  on  floor,  picks  up  the  paper 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  n 

again,  makes  a  ball  of  it  and  puts  it  under  the 
ice  so  as  to  raise  it  above  the  edge  of  the  bowl. 
Sits  down,  turns  on  switch  of  fan,  picks  up  book 
and  starts  to  read  again.  Fidgets  with  the  fan 
to  get  the  most  breeze,  finally  settles  back  and 
commences  to  read.  JIM  is  heard  outside 
whistling  one  of  the  latest  dancing  tunes.  He 
enters  L. — ''General  Entrance." — Slams  door. 
DAVID  looks  up.  JIM  whistles  louder,  goes  to 
bureau,  leaves  his  hat  on  upper  end,  turns  with 
a  dancing  step  to  the  bench  L.  of  table  c., 
straddles  it.  slides  along,  flops  down,  stretches 
out  hands  under  his  head — feet  on  lower  end 
of  table.) 

JIM.  Gee,  it's  great  to  get  home,  when  the  day's 
work  is  over. 

DAVID.    Work! 

JIM.  David,  you  lazy  creature.  I  believe  you 
haven't  done  a  thing  but  sit  there  all  day  feeding  that 
great,  greedy  mind  of  yours.  You  ought  to  be 
ashamed. 

DAVID.  (A  little  startled  by  this  attack)  And 
what  have  you  been  doing? 

JIM.  We've  been  keeping  up  our  physical  morale, 
David;  we've  been  dancing  for  four  solid  hours. 

(The  'phone  on  bureau  rings.  DAVID  turns  off  his 
fan,  rises  and  goes  to  it.  JIM  commences  to 
whistle  again,  keeping  time  with  his  foot,  which 
is  on  the  table.) 

DAVID.  (To  JIM  to  stop  his  whistling)  Shss-s! 
(JiM  stops.  In  'phone)  Yep?  I  said  hullo — No, 
Mr.  Bevans  has  not  come  in  yet.  .  .  Oh,  any  time 
now. — Very  well,  hold  the  wire — I  said  hold  the 
wire.  (To  JiMj  Have  you  got  a  pencil?  (Takes 
it  from  JIM,  finds  a  piece  of  paper  on  bureau) 


12  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

Forge  ahead — what's  your  message?  Call  Home? 
Homer?  Oh !  Aye,  Homer,  like  the  poet — the  poet, 
the  poet,  the  poet — Homer  Johns,  at  Plaza  2097. 
Aye,  I  will.  (Angrily)  I  can't  tell  him  before  he 
comes  in,  can  I?  (Hangs  up  the  receiver.) 

JIM.    Who  was  it,  David? 

DAVID.  A  Mr.  Johns,  who  wants  Austin  to  call 
him  up.  (He  lays  the  paper  on  U.L.  of  T.C .)  A  very 
impatient  man.  (JiM  picks  up  the  paper  to  read  it. 
DAVID  grabs  it  away  from  him,  and  puts  it  under  a 
law  book  on  lower  R.  of  the  table.)  He  should  not 
shout  so  through  the  telephone.  (He  turns  to  easy 
chair,  putting  the  pencil  in  his  pocket.  JIM  whistles 
for  it.  DAVID  gives  it  to  him.  DAVID  sits  in  easy 
chair.)  I  suppose  you  haven't  found  a  job? 

JIM.  No,  but  maybe  it's  because  we  haven^t 
looked  for  one. 

DAVID.    Aye,  man,  why  don't  you  look  for  one? 

JIM.  Because,  Dave,  if  we  looked  for  it  we  might 
find  it 

DAVID.    Aye,  you  might 

JIM.  And  if  we  found  it  we  might  have  to  take  it. 
(Rises,  goes  to  piano,  takes  cushion  from  stool, 
comes  down  c.)  And  if  we  took  it  we  might  have 
to  do  a  little  work.  (Sees  wash  basket  on  floor.) 
And  speaking  of  work,  there's  your  wash  not  put 
away  yet.  Oh,  David,  David, — how  do  you  ever 
expect  to  succeed  in  the  world  if  you  shirk  your 
duties  like  that? 

DAVID.  (Earnestly)  It  isn't  my  week  on  the 
wash,  James — I'm  on  the  door  and 'the  telephone. 
(TiM  enters  D.L.  whistling  same  tune.)  George  is 
on  the  wash,  aye,  and  you  and  Tim — fTiM, 
closing  door,  stops  whistling,  looks  at  DAVID.) — 
ought  to  be  getting  dinner. 

TIM.    What's  that! 

JIM.  (Throws  cushion  on  bench  L.J  Oh,  gee! 
it's  our  night  to  get  dinner. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  13 

TIM.     Is  it? 

JIM.  Look  in  the  ice-box,  and  see  what  there  is, 
will  you? 

(TiM  exits  to  kitchen,  whistling.) 
DAVID.     Shsss 

(JiM  goes  to  kitchen  door,  looks  in,  then  turns  to 
DAVID,  drawing  the  door  to  after  him.) 

JIM.  Oh,  Dave!  What  do  you  say  to  dining  out 
to-night  ? 

DAVID.  That's  what  you  always  say  the  night  it's 
your  turn  to  work. 

JIM.  (Crossing  F.  to  R.  of  c.)  Got  any  money, 
Dave? 

DAVID.    Any  what? 

JIM.    Any  money. 

DAVID.    Don't  be  absurd. 

(JiM  goes  tip  R.  c.  B.) 

TIM.  (Heard  in  the  ice-box — sing-song)  There's 
nothing  but  five  loin  chops  and  half  a  lemon  pie. 

JIM.    Got  any  money,  Tim? 

TIM.    (Enters,  goes  to  L.  of  T.  c.)    Any  what? 

JIM.     (A.  T.  c.)     Any  money. 

TIM.  You  will  have  your  little  joke,  won't  you? 
(Exits  to  kitchen.) 

JIM.  Couldn't  we  borrow  something  from  some 
one?  Our  allowance  is  due  the  day  after  to-mor 
row. 

DAVID.  (Is  sitting  in  easy  chair)  There's  a  letter 
there  from  your  father. 

JIM.  (Rushing  to  letter  box)  A  letter  from 
Father !  Good ! 


14  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

TIM.  (Enters  to  L.  of  ]IM)  A  letter  from 
Father!  Good  old  Pop! 

JIM.    Maybe  he  sent  it  a  day  or  two  ahead ! 

DAVID.     Maybe ! 

JIM.  (Opens  letter.  Looks  for  check,  and  his 
face  changes)  Gee !  It  looks  as  if  we'd  have  to  go 
back  to  Poughkeepsie. 

TIM.  (Picks  up  envelope  on  floor  to  make  sure 
nothing  is  in  it)  To  Poughkeepsie.  .  .  .  That's 
pretty  rough. 

DAVID.    What's  the  matter? 

JIM.  Our  dear,  dear  parent  has  stopped  our  al 
lowance.  .  .  . 

DAVID.    What ! 

JIM.  (Xing  A.  to  R.  of  T.  cv  reads)  "Until  you 
obtain  a  position,  or  until  I  see  some  evidence  that 
you  are  seriously  looking  for  one."  Well,  hasn't  he 
a  suspicious  nature.  .  .  .  (Sits  B.  R.  of  T.  c.) 

TIM.  (Foot  on  chair  at  door.  Sits  chair.)  Af 
ter  all  the  trouble  I've  taken  with  that  man's  edu 
cation.  (Bell  rings  off  L.  i.  E. ) 

DAVID.    Answer  that  door,  Tim. 

TIM.  (Rising)  It's  your  day  on  the  door,  Dave. 
(Exits  to  kitchen.) 

(DAVID  swell   of  fan — Shsss — JIM   rises,   goes   to 
window  LV  whistling.) 

DAVID.    Well! 

POSTMAN.  (Outside)  Special  for  Austin  Be- 
vans. 

DAVID.    Not  in  yet. 

POSTMAN.    All  right.    Sign  here. 

JIM.     (A.  T.  c.)    Where  is  Austin,  Dave? 

DAVID.  He  said  he  wasn't  coming  home  for  din 
ner.  (Looking  at  letter.)  He's  gone  to  see  his  girl, 
and  he's  going  to  stay  there  to  dine. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  15 

JIM.    If  he's  invited.  .  .  . 

DAVID.    He's  engaged  to  her,  isn't  he  ? 

JIM.  That's  what  he  says,  but  what  does  she  say? 
Absolutely  nothing.  Do  you  know,  Dave.  .  .  . 
(Takes  up  SUSIE'S  photo  from  bureau)  I'm  not  for 
that  pale  pearl  of  refinement.  I  think  she'd  drop — 
(DAVID  crosses  to  R.  of  chair  c.) — him  in  an  instant 
if  her  mother  said  so. 

DAVID.    Nonsense 

JIM.  And  her  mother  will  say  so  the  first  time  a 
man  with  a  little  money  comes  along. 

DAVID.  Susie's  in  love  with  Austin — any  girl 
would  be. 

JIM.  Well,  Susie's  in  love  with  Susie.  (Replaces 
the  photo  on  bureau,  goes  toward  window  R.) 

(TiM  enters.) 

DAVID.  (Sits  chair  c.)  I'm  afraid  there's  some 
thing  wrong  with  Austin.  Here's  a  special  delivery 
letter  for  him  from  a  firm  of  attorneys. 

TIM.  (To  L.  of  DAVID)  From  a  firm  of  attor 
neys? 

JIM.  (To  R.  of  DAVID)  From  a  firm  of  attorn 
eys? 

DAVID.  (R.  of  chair  c.J  Aye,  and  a  deep  bass 
voice  has  been  calling  him  up  every  fifteen  minutes 
all  afternoon. 

TIM.    (In  a  deep  bass  voice)    A  deep  bass  voice? 

JIM.    (In  a  deeper  bass  voice)    A  deep  bass  voice. 

(DAVID  rises  and  crosses  to  R.  of  JIM  J 

TIM.  Now,  I  wonder  what  Austin  has  been  do 
ing  that  he  oughtn't  to  do. 

JIM.  (Holding  out  his  hand)  Let  me  see  the 
letter,  Dave? 

DAVID.     (To  easy  chair.     Putting  letter  in  his 


16  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

pocket.)     You  attend  to  your  own  business,  and 
I'll (Sits  easy  chair.    Switches  on  fan.) 

(TiM  goes  up  L.  c.,  replaces  cushion  on  piano  stool, 
goes  to  R.  of  chair  u.  cj 

JIM.    And  you'll  attend  everybody  else's. 
(Enter  GEORGE  door  L.     Crossing  to  GEORGE. ) 

JIM.     George,  got  any  money? 

GEORGE.    ( L.  c.)    Any  what? 

JIM.     Any  money. 

GEORGE.    What  ? 

JIM.  Money.  You  know.  Those  long  green 
ones? 

GEORGE.  I  should  say  not.  (Crossing  to  B.  Lj 
I've  just  lost  my  job. 

JIM  and  TIM.    You've  lost  your  job? 

DAVID.    You've  lost  your  job!    Why? 

GEORGE.  (Sits  B.  L.  of  T.  c.)  Because  I'm  always 
late.  (To  TIMJ  That's  your  fault,  you  always 
wake  me  in  such  a  tactless  sort  of  way.  (Throws 
cap  in  u.  R.  corner.)  I  never  want  to  get  up.  (JiM 
sits  chair  L.J 

DAVID.  I'm  sorry  you've  lost  your  job,  George. 
And  the  twins — they've  had  their  allowance 
stopped. 

JIM.    Our  future  home — Poughkeepsie. 

DAVID.  (Is  sitting  easy  chair.)  I  don't  know 
how  we're  going  to  get  along — Twins  with  no  al 
lowance,  George  without  a  job. 

TIM.  ( Has  put  his  foot  on  chair  above  T.  and  is 
unlacing  his  boots.)  Well,  the  rent's  paid  till  Au 
tumn — that's  some  comfort. 

JIM.  Yes,  and  I  suppose  we  can  starve  like  "little 
gentlemen"  in  our  own  home. 

GEORGE.     For  the  love  of  Mike,  Tim,  don't  take 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  17 

your  shoes  off  in  the  parlor.  I  never  saw  anything 
like  you  fellows,  you  keep  this  room  looking  like  a 
pig-pen,  law  books  ail  over  the  table — (DAVID  rises 
and  takes  his  books,  all  but  one  over  message,  off 
the  c.  table,  puts  them  on  stand  u.  Rj — and  look 
at  the  wash — right  in  the  middle  of  the  floor. 
(Rises,  L.  c.,  very  angry,  to  JIM.J  Whose  week  is 
it  to  put  away  the  wash? 

JIM.    Yours,  my  bright-eyed  buckoo. 

GEORGE.  (Sits  B.  L.  of  T.  c.,  starts  looking 
through  the  wash.)  All  right.  Where's  the  list? 
(TiM  gets  the  list  which  is  pinned  on  wall  below 
bureau.)  Hullo,  Dave,  you've  been  getting  a  new 
undershirt. 

DAVID.  (Proudly)  Two.  (Puts  papers  on  floor, 
back  of  easy  chair.) 

JIM.  Spendthrift.  (TiM  goes  to  GEORGE — pins 
the  list  on  his  coat.  TIM  exits  to  kitchen.) 

GEORGE.  (Snatches  the  list  off  his  coat.  Holding 
up  ragged  socks.)  For  heaven's  sake,  Jim,  do  you 
waste  our  money  having  socks  like  that  washed? 
(He  throws  them  on  floor  L.  c.) 

JIM.  (Rises — snatching  them  up)  No,  you  don't. 
W'hat's  the  matter  with  those  socks  ?  The  holes  are 
all  below  shoe-level — except  one,  and  I  paint  my 
heel  under  that.  (Going  up  to  bureau,  puts  them  in 
drawer.)  My  best  dancing  socks. 

DAVID.  (Sits — easy  chair.)  I  suppose  you  can 
get  another  job,  George. 

GEORGE.  (Looking  through  the  wash)  Oh,  I 
guess  so — I  never  wanted  to  be  an  accountant,  any 
how.  That  was  all  my  family's  bright  idea. 

JIM.  (Leaning  against  front  of  bureau)  Oh, 
your  family.  Where  did  the  idea  ever  creep  in  that 
a  family  is  a  blessing? 

GEORGE.  What's  the  matter  with  all  of  us,  any 
how?  Why  can't  any  of  us  get  along?  (Rises, 
picks  up  the  basket,  goes  up  to  bureau.)  I'm  going 


i8  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

to  ask  Austin.  (JiM  is  in  his  way,  leaning  against 
the  front  of  the  bureau.  GEORGE  grabs  him  by  the 
scruff  of  the  neck  and  pushes  him  aside.)  He'll 
know. 

JIM.  Yes,  and  he'll  certainly  tell  us.  (Enter 
AUSTIN  door  LV  carrying  overcoat  and  wearing  a 
cap.  The  custom  of  the  house  is  not  to  exchange 
greetings.  Almost  seated  in  chair  u.  L.  c.)  Oh, 
Austin,  got  any  money? 

AUSTIN.    Any  what? 

JIM.  (Goes  to  him)  Any  money,  you  know; 
you  must  have  seen  it. 

AUSTIN.  Not  that  I  can  remember.  (Lays  coat 
on  chair  LV  crosses  to  chair  c.  DAVID  rises.) 

JIM.  (L.  c.)  Gee,  that's  tough!  There's  not 
much  to  eat  in  the  house.  Thought  you  were  going 
to  dine  out  to-night  with  the  Rolles. 

AUSTIN.  So  did  I,  but  Mrs.  Rolles  thought  dif 
ferently.  (Looks  at  DAVID,  who  comes  to  R.  of 
chair  c.  AUSTIN  sits  chair  c.) 

DAVID.  (R.  of  chair  c.)  Is  there  anything  wrong, 
Austin? 

AUSTIN.  You  bet  there  is.  She  came  out  into  the 
open  to-day.  She's  forbidden  me  the  house. 

JIM.  (L.  c.,  goes  to  chair  up  L.  c.)  The  motherly 
old  dear! 

( GEORGE  is  below  bureau,  folding  an  undershirt, 
which  he  holds  in  front  of  him,  the  last  piece — 
he  has  put  the  rest  into  the  drawers.) 

DAVID.  What  did  Susie  say  ? 
AUSTIN.  Absolutely  nothing. 
JIM.  (About  to  sit  chair  u.  L.  c.)  Ha 

(GEORGE  hits  him  on  the  head  with  the  undershirt, 
then  puts  it  in  drawer.     JIM  sits.) 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  19 

DAVID.    Austin,  what  happened  ? 

AUSTIN.  I  suppose  I  wasn't  very  tactful. 
(GEORGE  sits  on  bench  L.  of  T.C.)  It  began  by  Mrs. 
Rolles  saying  to  me — as  if  she  were  saying  "What 
fine  weather  we  are  having" — "The  trouble  with 
you,  Mr.  Bevans,  is  that  you're  the  least  little  bit 
vulgar."  Good — said  I,  "I  knew  there  was  some 
thing  nice  about  me.  And  anyhow,"  said  I,  "I 
should  think  Susie  could  forgive  my  being  a  little 
vulgar,  if  I  could  forgive  her  being  so  darned  re 
fined."  That  made  the  old  lady  angry,  and  she  ex 
plained  how  I  wasn't  a  suitable  match  for  her  daugh 
ter  from  any  point  of  view.  "What  are  you  ?"  said 
she.  "An  automobile  salesman!" — and  if  she  had 
said  I  was  a  crawling  worm  she  couldn't  have  felt 
worse  about  it.  I  told  her  I  had  a  feeling  I  was 
going  to  make  a  lot  of  money  some  day.  "Oh,  in 
deed,"  said  she.  "Well,  you  can't  support  a  wife 
on  that  feeling,  can  you?"  Well,  I  let  that  pass, 
and  told  her  how  awfully  in  love  I  am  with  Susie. 
"Yes,"  said  she,  "and  in  six  months  from  now  you 
will  be  awfully  in  love  with  some  one  else.  Men" — 
and  this  was  a  nasty  one — (The  boys  all  lean  for 
ward  expectantly) — "Men  are  never  constant  to  the 
unattainable."  I  told  her  I  wouldn't  agree  that  Susie 
was  unattainable  until  Susie  had  told  me  so  her 
self.  "Well,  that  was  too  bad,  because  Susie  was 
out."  I  knew  that  was  a  lie,  so  I  just  stepped  into 
the  hall  and  yelled  "Susie !"  at  the  top  of  my  lungs. 
She  came  down,  all  right. 

DAVID.    ( R.  of  chair  c.  )  What  did  she  say  ? 

AUSTIN.  Oh,  she  said  a  lot  of  things,  of  nice 
things,  but  the  truth  is,  she  sticks  by  her  mother. 

DAVID.  I'm  afraid — (Hand  on  his  shoulder) — 
it's  just  a  question  of  money  with  Mrs.  Rolles. 
(GEORGE  pats  AUSTIN  on  back,  absent-mindedly.) 

AUSTIN.  (Rising,  crosses  toward  chair  L.  GEORGE 
takes  AUSTIN'S  cap  off  as  he  passes  and  throws  it 


20  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

to  JIM,  who  is  sitting  on  chair  u.  L.  c.)  I'd  go  a 
good  way  on  the  downward  path  to  have  some  at 
this — moment.  (AUSTIN  sits  chair  L.)  Gee,  isn't 
the  world  rottenly  arranged ! 

GEORGE.    I  should  say  it  is.     (Sits  chair  c.) 

DAVID.    Aye,  aye !    (Sits  chair  c.) 

AUSTIN.  By  the  time  I'm  an  old  man  I  shall 
probably  have  all  the  money  I  want,  and  I'd  gladly 
sell  the  last  twenty  years  of  my  life  for  a  good  in 
come  at  this  very  moment. 

DAVID.  (Sitting  easy  chair)  Austin,  George  has 
lost  his  job. 

(GEORGE  glares  at  him,   throws  leg  over  arm  of 
chair.) 

AUSTIN.    Ha ! 

GEORGE.  (Pointing  at  JIM,)  And  the  Twins'  al 
lowance  is  stopped. 

AUSTIN.  Trying  to  cheer  me  up?  (Looks  at 
JIM,  who  is  sitting  on  chair  u.  L.  cv  absent-mindedly 
fumbling  with  AUSTIN'S  cap.  AUSTIN  rises,  takes 
cap  from  JIM.  Peevishly)  Must  you  do  that? 
(JiM  rises,  goes  to  window  u.  L.  AUSTIN  puts  cap 
on,  goes  to  chair  L.) 

GEORGE.  (Rises,  goes  to  him)  Say,  Austin,  I 
want  to  ask  you  what's  the  matter  with  all  of  us? 
Now,  here  we  are,  young 

JIM.  ^L.  of  piano)  And  beautiful.  (TiM  enters 
from  kitchen,  stays  at  door.) 

GEORGE.     Why  is  it  none  of  us  can  get  along? 

AUSTIN.     Don't  you  know,  George? 

GEORGE.    No. 

AUSTIN.  Because  we're  young,  George,  and  the 
world  is  run  by  old  people.  (With  feeling.  Going 
up  L.C.  Xes  about  to  table  U.RV  takes  two  cans  of 
tobacco  there  and  pipe.)  Dam  'em.  I  sometimes 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  21 

wish  there  wasn't  anyone  alive  over  sixty.  (GEORGE 
moves  to  commode  L.) 

TIM.  (Dodging  AUSTIN)  Sixty!  Ha!  You're 
liberal.  (Xes,  takes  the  ukulele  from  mantel — sits 
chair  R. — fingering  the  strings  softly.  GEORGE  puts 
AUSTIN'S  coat  on  chair  above  door  L. — then  sits, 
chair  L.) 

JIM.  (Goes  to  chair  u.L.cJ  I  offer  one  per 
fectly  good  father  to  the  general  massacre.  (Sits.) 

AUSTIN.  (Coming  to  U.L.  of  T. — fills  pipe.)  It's 
a  conspiracy  of  old  age  to  keep  us  down.  In  the 
first  place,  we're  educated  all  wrong 

GEORGE.     Eh ! 

AUSTIN.  That's  part  of  the  game — they  keep  us 
from  starting  to  earn  our  living  as  late  as  they  pos 
sibly  can.  Then  they  advise  us  all  wrong.  As  soon 
as  we  show  any  particular  ability  along  any  line, 
they  rush  in  and  make  us  do  something  entirely  dif 
ferent.  Just  look  at  me.  There's  George,  he  wanted 
to  be  a  violinist  and  what  is  he — an  accountant. 
( GEORGE  lighting  cigarette,  and  swings  his  legs  over 
u.  arm  of  chair.)  David  wanted  to  be  a  farmer  and 
he's  studying  law.  (DAVID  kicks  book  off  table.) 
I  don't  know  what  you  want,  Twins 

TIM  and  JIM.    We  want  to  marry  an  heiress. 

AUSTIN.  I  guess  it  would  take  two  of  you  to  do 
it  Well,  see  what  happens.  (Sits  on  L.  of  table  c.) 
Your  father  cuts  your  allowance,  so  that  you  have  to 
wear  cheap  ties  like  that  one  of  Jim's, — (DAVID  rises 
R.  of  s.R.j  which  no  heiress  would  tolerate  for  an 
instant. 

JIM.  (Rises — shows  AUSTIN  tie)  It's  a  very 
smart  tie 

AUSTIN.  It's  a  rotten  tie,  Jim.  (JiM  sits  chair 
u.L.cJ  And  here  I  am,  wanting  to  be  a  teacher. 

GEORGE.     A  teacher! 

AUSTIN.  What  am  I  ?  An  automobile  salesman. 
(Throws  cap  on  JIM.) 


22  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

DAVID.  (Filling  his  pipe  from  one  of  AUSTIN'S 
cans  of  tobacco)  Now,  do  you  think  you'd  have 
made  a  good  teacher,  Austin? 

AUSTIN.  I  know  perfectly  well  I  would.  Why, 
David,  education  is  the  most  interesting  subject  in 
the  world — and  there's  more  fake  about  it  than  about 
anything  else.  All  you  have  to  do  is  to  think  nat 
urally  about  it.  Now,  what  are  the  two  most  im 
portant  things  to  us  all?  I'll  tell  you — earning  a 
living  and  falling  in  love. 

GEORGE.     Eh ! 

DAVID.     Ba  !     (Sits  B.R.  of  T.C .) 

AUSTIN.  Does  education  teach  us  either  of  these  ? 
—No. 

JIM.  Do  you  think  you  need  to  be  educated  to 
fall  in  love? 

AUSTIN.  You  have  to  be  educated  to  fall  in  love 
right — to  say  nothing  of  needing  education  to  make 
yourself  attractive.  Now,  I  ask  you — I  took  a 
course  in  astronomy — a  lot  of  bunk  about  the  motion 
of  stars.  Wouldn't  it  have  been  more  useful  if  I 
had  taken  a  course  in  the  psychology  of  women? 
(Puts  pipe  in  his  mouth.)  Then  I'd  have  known 
how  to  talk  to  Mrs.  Rolles  this  afternoon. 
^  JIM.  (Sitting — chair  up  L.C .)  I'm  taking  a  prac 
tical  course  in  that  every  day. 

AUSTIN.  And  as  for  girls— (TwiNS  attention)— 
as  for  the  education  of  girls,  that's  the  most  inter 
esting  subject  of  all.  An  old  aunt  of  mine  had  a 
school  for  girls. 

JIM.     Oh,  you  lucky  dog. 

AUSTIN.  Oh,  she  wouldn't  let  me  go  near  the 
place.  I  never  wanted  to.  She  deliberately  set  out 
to  educate  those  girls  to  be  as  unattractive  as  pos 
sible. 

DAVID.     Now,  how  did  she  go  about  it? 

AUSTIN.  She  made  them  slick  their  hair  down, 
wear  a  sort  of  uniform,  and  she  taught  them  mathe- 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  23 

matics  and  Latin,  and  all  the  things  they  don't  need 
to  know.  That's  the  conspiracy — to  keep  young  peo 
ple  learning  the  wrong  things  as  long  as  they  pos 
sibly  can — in  the  meantime  the  old  people  run  every 
thing  to  suit  themselves. 

GEORGE.     It's  true — too  true. 

("AUSTIN  rises — replaces  the  two  cans  of  tobacco  on 
R.U.R. — takes  the  pack  of  cards  from  the  table, 
comes  back  to  L.  of  T.c.J 

JIM.  (Rises,  comes  down  L.cJ  Well,  what  are 
we  going  to  do  about  it? 

DAVID.  (Rises)  I  tell  you  what  you  are  going 
to  do,  Jim,  you're  going  to  get  dinner. 

JIM.  Ah,  the  legal  mind.  What  a  help  it  is. 
Come  on,  Tim.  (Exits  to  kitchen.  TIM  rises,  DAVID 
takes  the  ukulele  from  him,  moves  him  toward 
kitchen.  TIM  exits  into  kitchen.  DAVID  places  the 
ukulele  on  mantel.) 

GEORGE.  (Sees  a  book  still  on  the  table,  starts  to 
throw  it  to  DAVID,  who  quickly  takes  it,  showing  the 
paper  under  it.  GEORGE  picks  up  the  paper)  Hullo 
— call  Homer  Johns !  Well,  I  must  say,  David,  I  do 
think  you  might  give  me  my  messages — here's  an 
important  one  from  Homer  Johns 

DAVID.     Do  you  know  him? 

GEORGE.     Of  course  I  know  him. 

DAVID.  Then  tell  him  not  to  shout  so  over  the 
telephone.  , 

GEORGE.  He's  one  of  the  biggest  lawyers  in  New 
York,  besides  being  a  director  in  the  bank  where  I 
am — was,  and  you  leave  it  kicking  about. 

DAVID.  (Taking  paper  from  GEORGE — hands  it  to 
AUSTIN )  It  isn't  for  you,  George.  It's  for  Aus 
tin. 

GEORGE.  For  Austin?  Do  you  know  Homer 
Johns  ? 


24  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

AUSTIN.  Never  saw  him.  I  used  to  hear  my 
aunt  talk  of  him. 

GEORGE.  Of  course  it's  for  me.  Dave,  got  it 
wrong-.  He's  an  old  friend  of  my  family's.  I  don't 
mind  telling  you  fellows — (Rises,  carefully  closes  the 
kitchen  door,  down  L.C .) — though  I  wouldn't  mention 
it  to  the  Twins,  that  I  hope  some  day  to  marry  his 
niece. 

AUSTIN.     His  niece! 

GEORGE.     Elise  Benedotti. 

AUSTIN.     Does  he  know  that,  George? 

GEORGE.     ("L.  of  B.L.J    No,  not  yet. 

DAVID.  (At  E.  chair)  Does  she  know  it?  (Sits 
on  arm  of  easy  chair.) 

GEORGE.  Oh,  I  guess  Elise  has  a  pretty  good  idea 
about  it.  Girls  are  awfully  quick,  you  know.  I  ask 
her  to  marry  me  every  time  I  see  her ! 

AUSTIN.     Does  she  always  refuse  you,  George? 

GEORGE.  (Boastingly)  No — she  never  refuses. 
She  just  says:  "George,  I  can't  give  you  any  idea 
how  much  you  bore  me."  I  don't  call  that  a  re 
fusal.  (DAVID  slides  into  chair.) 

AUSTIN.  Well,  I  couldn't  consider  it  exactly  en 
couraging,  George. 

GEORGE.  Now,  I  don't  know — I'm  not  so  sure 
about  that.  Girls,  you  know,  don't  like  to  show  their 
feelings.  (Sits — bench  L.  of  T.C. — throws  paper  on 

T.C.) 

AUSTIN.  (Rises,  places  cards  on  bureau,  comes 
down  L.cJ  Bunk,  my  dear  fellows — all  bunk!  If 
girls  want  you — they  grab  you.  If  they  don't  grab 
you,  they  don't  want  you. 

GEORGE.  (Shocked — is  sitting  on  B.L.  of  T.C.) 
Oh,  no,  Austin, — not  the  nice  ones. 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  GEORGE,)  You  talk  as  if  it  wasn't 
nice  to  be  human. 

GEORGE.     I  don't  believe  it  is — for  a  girl. 

JIM.     (Putting   his   head   in   at   the    door — and 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  25 

wearing  a  kitchen  apron)     How  do  you  want  the 
potatoes  ? 

AUSTIN.     ("L.C  .)    Fried ! 

DAVID.     Boiled ! 

GEORGE.     Mashed ! 

( DAVID  starts  to  speak — too  slow.) 

JIM.     Good.    They  are  mashed.    (Exits  kitchen.) 

AUSTIN.     Why  did  you  ask  us  then? 

JIM.  Oh,  just  to  please  you.  (Goes  back  into 
the  kitchenette.) 

DAVID.  (Going  to  R.  of  chair  c.  Taking  the  let 
ter  from  his  hip  pocket)  Oh,  Austin,  this  came  a 
little  while  ago. 

AUSTIN.  What ?  (Comes  down  L.C.  Crosses 

to  L.  of  F.  of  chair  c. — takes  the  letter.) 

DAVID.    A  special  delivery. 

GEORGE.  (Tries  to  see  letter — then  stands  on 
chair  c. — looking  over  AUSTIN'S  shoulder  at  the  en 
velope)  From  a  firm  of  attorneys. 

JIM.  (Entering — kitchen  door)  Oh,  joy,  oh, 
rapture  unrefined.  We've  found  a  melon  and  a 
grapefruit  in  the  icebox.  The  melon's  rotten  and 
the  grapefruit's  green,  but  such  as  they  arc 

^GEORGE  has  grabbed  cushion  from  B.R.  of  i.e. — 
throws  it  at  JIM,  who  disappears — closing  the 
door  "bang." — GEORGE  and  DAVID  stand  watch 
ing  AUSTIN  as  he  reads.) 

GEORGE.     (Turning  to  AUSTIN,)     Well? 
AUSTIN.     (Rather  solemn)     Well,  what  do  you 
think  ? 

DAVID.     (R.  of  chair  c.)    What  is  it,  man? 

AUSTIN.     Well,  what  do  you  know  about  this 

DAVID.     What? 

AUSTIN.    I've  inherited  the  school. 


26  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

DAVID.    An  automobile  school? 

AUSTIN.     A  girl's  boarding  school ! 

GEORGE.    A  what? 

AUSTIN.    A  girls'  boarding  school. 

GEORGE.    A  what? 

AUSTIN.  (Crossing  to  chair  R.)  You  heard  me 
the  first  time. 

GEORGE.  Yes,  I  know, — but  when  I  say,  "A 
what?"  I  mean  "how  peculiar." 

DAVID.  ( Goes  to  AUSTIN'S  Lj  Who  is  it  from, 
Austin  ? 

AUSTIN.  From  Johns.  It  seems  he  was  my 
aunt's  lawyer,  says  the  property  consists  of  about 
seven  acres,  with  two  large  buildings  capable  of 
housing  fifty  pupils  with  teaching  staff  and  ser 
vants'  quarters — small  cottage  where  my  aunt  her 
self  used  to  live — tennis  courts,  swimming  pool, 
vegetable  and  flower  gardens — oh,  this  is  not  so  good 
— Uh!  (Sits  chair  R. — GEORGE  jumps  down  and 
hurries  to  L.  of  DAVID.  Read.)  "Unfortunately 
of  late  years,  Mrs.  Bevans  has  been  expending  such 
large  sums  on  betterments  that  the  property  is  heav 
ily  mortgaged,  and  the  fixed  charges  almost  equal 
the  gross  income."  (The  smoke  is  blown  into  AUS 
TIN'S  face.  GEORGE  and  DAVID  lean  forward  to  see 
the  letter.  AUSTIN  looks  at  them,  they  straighten 
up.)  "The  holder  of  the  mortgage,  however,  is  a 
gentleman  whose  personal  interest  in  the  school 
would  lead  him  to  make  the  most  favorable  ar 
rangements  consistent  with  his  own  interests.  We 
should  advise  you  to  confer  with  us  at  once  in  refer 
ence  to  continuing  the  school  along  the  lines  he 
thinks  best."  Along  the  lines  he  thinks  best !  (To 
them.)  How  about  along  the  lines  /  think  best? 

GEORGE.  Why  should  anyone  leave  a  girl's  school 
to  you  ? 

AUSTIN.  She  didn't  leave  it  to  me.  She  died 
without  a  will,  and  I'm  next  of  kin. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  27 

DAVID.  (Crossing  F.U.  to  kitchen  door.  Shout 
ing)  Twins  !  Twins !  Come  in  here !  (  JIM  and 
TIM  enter,  both  wearing  kitchen  aprons — JIM  c.  of 
door — TIM  is  R.  and  above  JIM.)  Austin  has  in 
herited  a  school.  (^GEORGE  again  leans  forward  to 
see  the  letter,  then  goes  to  table  c.,  puts1  cigarette  in 
ash  tray.) 

JIM.  (L.  of  DAVIDJ  Oh,  quit  your  kidding. 
Can't  you  see  we're  busy?  (Turns  to  go  out.) 

DAVID.     (At  R.  of  door,  stops  them)  No,  it's  true. 
He's  inherited  that  school  from  his  aunt. 
JIM.     (L.  of  TiMj     What  kind  of  a  school? 
DAVID.     A  young  ladies'  boarding  school. 
JIM  and  TIM.     (On  same  cue  with  JIM  sing  as 
they  cross)    Good  night — Ladies.    Good  night — La 
dies. 

JIM.  (Crossing  to  L.  of  AUSTIN — TIM  on  AUS 
TIN'S  R. — DAVID  goes  to  R.  of  chair  c. — GEORGE  to 
R.  of  T.C.)  Congratulations,  old  man.  (AUSTIN 
rises — Crosses  to  R.cJ  Well,  next  to  inheriting  the 

Sultan's  harem 

DAVID.  (Stopping  AUSTIN )  Austin,  pity  it  isn't 
a  boys'  school.  Then  you  could  be  a  teacher  at 
last. 

AUSTIN.     Think  I  couldn't  teach  girls? 
GEORGE.     (R.  of  T.C.)    Of  course  you  could,  Aus 
tin.     (Goes  to  chair  above  T.C. — Sits.) 

TIM.     (Going  to  R.  of  GEORGE,)    Sure 

JIM.  (At  chair  R.)  Of  course  he  could — only 
maybe  not  the  thing  their  parents  would  want  them 
to  learn. 

AUSTIN.    Jim!     (Crosses  L.C.) 
DAVID.     (R.  of  chair  c.)     Do  you  think  there's 
any  money  in  it,  Austin? 

AUSTIN.  Money  in  it !  You  bet  there  is.  There's 
nothing  the  great  American  public  laps  up  like  edu 
cation,  properly  presented.  I  believe  I  could  make 


28  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

the  Fairview  School  for  girls  one  of  the  most  paying 
investments (TiM — R.  of  chair  c.) 

GEORGE.  (Rising — hurries  dozvn  between  table  c. 
and  bench  L.  to  AUSTIN — interrupting)  What! 
Hold  on.  Did  you  say  the  Fairview  School? 

AUSTIN.  (L.C.)  Yes,  that  was  my  aunt's  name 
for  it — silly  name,  too. 

GEORGE.  (R.  of  AUSTIN )  But  that's  where  Elise 
goes. 

DAVID.     (R.  of  chair  c.)    Mr.  Johns'  niece  ? 

GEORGE.     Yes,  and  my  sister  Sally. 

AUSTIN.  Your  sister  goes  there?  Why,  George, 
you  must  know  all  about  it.  Sit  down  and  tell  me 
everything  you  know 

(^GEORGE  sits  B.L.  DAVID  sits  chair  c.  JIM  stands 
L.R.  of  T.C.,  resting  his  knee  on  the  bench.  TIM 
sits  on  R.  of  R.c.J 

GEORGE.  Oh,  I've  never  been  near  the  place. 

AUSTIN.  (Standing  L.  of  GEORGE,)  But  you  must 
have  heard  the  girls  talk  about  it.  What  did  they 
say? 

GEORGE.  Oh,  they  say  the  usual  things  people 

say  about  their  own  school.  , 

AUSTIN.  What  sort  of  things  ?  Do  try  and  think, 
George. 

GEORGE.  (Trying  hard  to  remember)  Well,  they 

said  it  was  rotten. 

AUSTIN.  What  was? 

GEORGE.  Everything. 

AUSTIN.  They  must  have  mentioned  some  spe 
cial  things.  What  did  they  talk  about  most? 

GEORGE.  The  food. 

AUSTIN.  What  did  they  say  about  it? 

GEORGE.  They  said  it  was  rotten. 

AUSTIN.  Didn't  they  say  anything  about  the 
teachers  ? 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  29 

GEORGE.     Yes,  they  said  they  were  rotten. 

AUSTIN.     Which  ones? 

GEORGE.     All  of  them — except  Miss  Hays. 

AUSTIN.     Who  is  Miss  Hays? 

GEORGE.  I  don't  know  women,  but  I  think  she 
must  be  the  rottenest  of  all.  One  of  these  women 
who  goes  around  making  fun  of  men.  I  don't  think 
girls  should  be  allowed  to  make  fun  of  men,  do  you? 

^AUSTIN  goes  toward  chair  L.) 

TIM  and  JIM.     (Indignantly)     Certainly  not. 

JIM.  Come  on,  Tim,  let's  finish  dinner.  (They 
X.A. — exit  kitchen.) 

DAVID.  Making  fun  of  men — is  the  privilege  of 
old  maids,  isn't  it? 

GEORGE.  Miss  Hays  isn't  so  awfully  old,  and  be 
sides,  she's  been  married. 

AUSTIN.  (Comes  back  to  GEORGE,)  WThy  does 
she  call  herself  Miss  Hays,  then? 

GEORGE.  Because — my  mother  told  me,  only  of 
course,  the  girls  are  not  supposed  to  know — they  say, 
she's  been  divorced. 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  B.L.J  Divorced?  Why,  I  don't 
think  I  want  a  divorced  woman  teaching  my 
girls 

GEORGE.  Your  girls  ?  It's  my  girl  you're  talking 
about. 

AUSTIN.  (Crossing  R.)  I  believe  I'll  take  a 
run  up  there  to-morrow  and  look  the  property  over. 

DAVID.  (Rises,  above  settee.  Follows  AUSTIN ) 
I  wouldn't  go  there,  if  I  were  you,  Austin,  a  good- 
looking  young  fellow  like  you. 

^GEORGE  rises  to  window  up  R.C.    JIM  enters  kitchen, 
carrying  the  dinner  on  a  tray.) 

(BELL) 


30  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

JIM.     Victual's  up,  gents,  dinner  is  served. 
(The  doorbell  rings  off  L.) 

DAVID.  (Turns  to  chair  E.)  Answer  the  bell, 
Jim,  will  you? 

JIM.     You're  no  cripple,  are  you,  Dave? 

DAVID.  (Going  to  the  door)  I've  been  doing  it 
all  day. 

JIM.     Then  you  must  do  it  very  well  by  now. 

(DAVID  opens  the  door  L.    JOHNS  enters.) 

JOHNS.  Well,  this  is  a  nice  place  to  live.  Haven't 
you  any  elevator  ? 

DAVID.     No. 

JOHNS.    Is  this  Mr.  Austin  Bevans? 

DAVID.     No,  it  is  not ! 

JOHNS.  It's  not  an  insult  to  be  taken  for  Mr. 
Bevans,  is  it  ?  Or  isn't  it  ? 

DAVID.    Well,  I 

JOHNS.     Is  he  in,  or  isn't  he? 

GEORGE.  (Hurries  to  JOHNS,  shakes  hands) 
How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Johns  ? 

(DAVID  Crosses  above  to  easy  chair  after  closing 
door.) 

JOHNS.     Hullo,  George,  is  this  where  you  live? 

GEORGE.     Yes,  sir. 

JOHNS.     Is  Bevans  in? 

AUSTIN.  (Coming  forward  to  R.  of  chair  c.)  I 
am  Austin  Bevans,  sir. 

JOHNS.  (Crossing  to  F.  and  L.  of  B.L. — GEORGE 
to  L.c.j  You!  Good  heavens.  You  own  a  girls' 
school?  ("DAVID  is  R.c.2.)  Well,  well,  well.  (He 
laughs  heartily,  while  AUSTIN  remains  perfectly 
grave.)  How  did  you  feel  when  you  heard  about 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  31 

your  inheritance,  something  like  the  man  who  in 
herited  a  white  elephant,  eh  ? 

AUSTIN.     No,  Mr.  Johns,  not  at  all  like  that. 

JOHNS.  (L.C.I.;  Well,  it's  all  right.  I'll  help 
you  out.  I'll  take  it  off  your  hands.  As  a  matter 
of  fact,  I  practically  own  it,  anyhow 

AUSTIN.  (Crossing  to  JOHNS;  You  own  my 
school ? 

JOHNS.  Yes,  I  have  a  mortgage  of  $35,000  on  it, 
and  the  property  isn't  worth  more  than  thirty  at  the 
outside. 

DAVID.  (Comes  down  R.cJ  Now,  how's  that? 
I'd  like  to  ask  you,  sir — (AUSTIN  and  JOHNS  look 
at  him.) — I'm  a  lawyer  myself — why  should  you,  a 
businessman,  lend  more  money  on  a  piece  of  prop 
erty  than  it's  worth? 

AUSTIN.  (F.  of  E.L.)  Yes,  Mr.  MacKenzie  is 
right.  Why? 

JOHNS.  (Crossing  to  L.  of  DAVID)  Well — er — 
matter  of  friendship. 

DAVID.     Friendship ! 

JOHNS.  Yes,  my  niece  is  at  the  school — has  been 
there  ever  since  she  came  under  my  charge,  and 
then  I've  always  had  a  great  respect  for  the  lady 
who  is  second  in  command  there — Miss  Hays — I 
didn't  want  the  school  to  close — but  I  had  no  idea 
the  extravagant  program  that  Mrs.  Bevans  was  start 
ing  on — why,  she  used  the  money  to  fit  the  place  up 
like  a  palace — folly,  sir,  folly — but  Miss  Hays  is 
much  more  sensible.  Under  her  management 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  chair  c.)  Sit  down,  Mr.  Johns. 
fALL  start  to  offer  him  a  seat.  AUSTIN  the  chair  c. 
— as  he  does  not  take  it,  AUSTIN  pushes  it  up  to 
table — out  of  the  way.  GEORGE  the  chair  L.  JIM 
the  chair  u.c. — stands  A.L.  of  T.C.  DAVID  the  chair 
R.J  I'd  like  to  discuss  this  with  you. 

JOHNS.     (R.  of  chair  c.)    Not  worth  while.    Only 


32  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

take  a  minute  to  say  what  I  have  to  say.  Just  want 
to  put  you  out  of  your  agony 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  chair  c.)  I  haven't  been  in  any 
agony. 

JOHNS.  It's  all  right,  Miss  Hays  is  a  college 
woman — she's  giving  the  girls  a  splendid  education 
— taking  all  the  nonsense  out  of  them — making  'em 
sensible  and  husky.  Now  this  is  my  proposition — I 
won't  foreclose  and  you  won't  interfere.  If  we  go  on 
losing  money,  I'll  pay  the  bills.  If  we  make  any 
(Quickly.)  which  isn't  likely,  I'll  go  shares  with  you. 
That's  pretty  liberal.  You  approve  of  that,  I  sup 
pose? 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  chair  c. — firmly)  No,  Mr. 
Johns,  I  don't  approve. 

JOHNS.     (R.  of  chair  c.)    What  do  you  mean? 

DAVID.     Why,  man ? 

GEORGE.     (At  chair  L.)    Why,  Austin! 

AUSTIN.  I  don't  approve  of  that  idea  of  educa 
tion.  I  don't  want  the  nonsense  taken  out  of  girls. 
fJoHNS  looks  at  him.)  No  man  does.  I  don't  want 
them  educated  to  be  sensible,  and  husky. 

JOHNS.  Well,  bless  my  soul,  how  do  you  want 
them  to  be  educated? 

AUSTIN.  (Calmly)  I  want  them  educated  to  be 
charming. 

JOHNS.     Charming? 

AUSTIN.  Yes,  charming — charming  in  the  best 
sense — well-mannered,  low-voiced,  well-dressed, 
feminine,  able  to  meet  all  situations.  That's  what 
we  all  want  girls  to  be — why  not  educate  them  to 
be  it? 

JOHNS.  (R.  and  F.  of  chair  c.)  You  can't  teach 
'em  those  things. 

AUSTIN.  (F.  and  L.  of  chair  c.)  You  can't, 
maybe.  My  aunt  couldn't.  Perhaps  that's  why  she 
left  the  school  to  me. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  33 

JOHNS.  She  didn't  leave  it  to  you — if  she  had 
she  should  have  spent  the  best  of  her  days  in  a  luna 
tic  asylum. 

AUSTIN.  You  think  I'm  not  a  fit  person  to  run 
a  girls'  school  ? 

JOHNS.     You're  about  the  most  unfit  I  ever  saw. 

AUSTIN.  There  you're  wrong.  I  am  fitted  to  run 
a  school — much  better  fitted  than  my  aunt  was,  first, 
because  I  am  a  businessman 

JOHNS.     What! 

AUSTIN.  Don't  interrupt,  please.  Now  the  great 
principle  which  has  made  the  success  of  the  press 
and  the  theater  has  never  been  applied  to  educa 
tion 

JOHNS.     What  principle  do  you  mean? 

AUSTIN.  The  principle  of  giving  your  public 
what  it  wants. 

JOHNS.     Giving  the  girls  what  they  want? 

AUSTIN.  No,  no  one  cares  about  the  girls — the 
parents — the  parents  are  my  public. 

JOHNS.     Your  public? 

DAVID.  (R.C.I.)  Austin,  you  don't  mean  you'll 
ever  go  near  the  place  yourself? 

AUSTIN.  Not  go  near  it,  Dave.  I  shall  live  there 
and  direct  it  just  as  my  aunt  did,  but  not  in  the 
same  direction. 

JIM.  (A.L.  of  T.C.)  Why,  Austin,  your  face 
would  wreck  a  thousand  ladies'  seminaries. 

DAVID.  (R.C.I.)  Who  ever  heard  of  a  man  of 
your  age  running  a  girls'  school  ? 

AUSTIN.  Dave,  you  ought  to  get  over  the  idea 
that  because  a  thing  is  new  it's  wrong. 

JOHNS.     But  what  do  you  know  about  education? 

AUSTIN.  Nothing  at  all,  just  like  everybody  else. 
(Tunis  to  L.cJ 

JOHNS.  (Crossing  to  AUSTINJ  Now,  wait  a 
minute,  wait  a  minute,  young  man.  Do  you  think 


34  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

that  any  parent  who  had  ever  seen  you  would  send  a 
girl  to  your  school  ? 

AUSTIN.  Yes,  I  do,  Mr.  Johns,  for  it  is  to  par 
ents  that  I  should  especially  appeal.  Sit  down,  Mr. 
Johns.  ( JOHNS  laughs.  GEORGE  sits,  chair  L.  DAVID 
sits  arm  of  easy  chair.  JIM  stands  up  L.  of  T.C. 
AUSTIN  takes  the  chair  up  L.CV  brings  it  down, 
stands  holding  its  back,  L.  of  JOHNS. )  Now  what  is 
it  that  every  parent  who  sends  a  girl  to  boarding- 
school  really  wants? 

JOHNS.  (Sits  F.  of  B.L.,  puts  hat  on  chair  c.)  To 
get  rid  of  her. 

AUSTIN.  Very  true — but  that's  not  all.  It's  no 
good  to  get  rid  of  her  for  four  or  five  years  and  then 
have  her  back  on  their  hands  forever.  Parents  want 
girls  made  into  attractive  women — they  don't  dare 
say  this — they  talk  a  lot  of  bunk  about  cultivation 
and  womanliness,  but  what  they  really  mean  is  at 
tractiveness — they  want  their  daughters  to  be  charm 
ing  and  have  beaux  that  mean  business 

JOHNS.     Eh ! 

AUSTIN.  Of  course,  they  do.  Well,  my  scheme 
is  to  meet  the  parents  half-way.  To  come  boldly  and 
say  that  the  object  of  my  school  is  to  teach  charm. 
And,  by  Heavens !  I'll  teach  'em — have  'em  taught, 
that  is.  ('AUSTIN  replaces  the  chair,  holds  it  for  a 
moment.) 

JOHNS.  By  constant  personal  contact  with  the 
pupils  ? 

AUSTIN.  (Coming  to  L.  of  JOHNS  J  On  the  con 
trary — I  shall  hold  myself  aloof.  I  shall  be  an  un 
seen  power.  Of  course,  I  shall  address  the  as 
sembled  school  now  and  then.  Because  you  see  that 
when  an  old  woman  like  my  aunt  told  them  to  stand 
up  straight  and  lower  their  voices,  they  didn't  pay 
much  attention,  to  her,  but  when  a  young  man  of 
my  age  says  it — or  suppose  I  get  Jack  Barry  more 
to  come  and  lecture  on  the  drama,  and  he  mentions 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  35 

that  Juliet's  voice  was  low  and  thrilling,  you  bet  the 
voices  of  the  school  will  be  a  lot  lower  and  thrillinger 
at  once.  Or  if  Lucille  or  some  other  great  dress 
maker  told  them  how  much  better  good  clothes  look 
on  a  straight  back  than  a  crooked  one,  they'd  stand 
up  straight.  Do  you  see  ?  Do  you  get  my  idea  ? 

JOHN.  Yes.  I  think  I  get  your  idea.  But  one 
objection  occurs  to  me.  School  girls  are  notoriously 
silly  creatures.  Suppose  they  all  took  it  into  their 
heads  to  fall  in  love  with  you — your  appearance,  you 
know — if  I  may  say  so 

AUSTIN.  Since  you  ask  me,  I  think  it  would  be 
better  taste  not  to  mention  it. 

JOHNS.  Well,  all  right,  take  it  on  the  score  of 
age,  then,  you're  rather  young  to  run  a  girls'  school. 

GEORGE.     I  should  say  he  is. 

AUSTIN.  It's  a  question  of  character,  not  age. 
I've  known  a  lot  of  old  men  I  shouldn't  care  to 
trust  in  my  school. 

JOHNS.     (Looks  at  him)    Eh  ! 

AUSTIN.  But  as  a  matter  of  fact,  I'm  not  a  man 
who  inspires  affection. 

JOHNS.     You  surprise  me. 

DAVID.     (Rises)    You  are,  man,  you  are. 

AUSTIN.  Thank  you,  David.  ( DAVID  sits  again, 
arm  of  easy  chair.)  And  anyhow,  I'm  only  doing 
it  because  I'm  in  love  with  another  girl,  and  am  in 
hopes  of  getting  enough  money  to  marry  her  before 
her  mother  finds  a  better  match  for  her  daughter. 

JOHNS.     Oh,  I  see 

AUSTIN.  But  supposing  you're  right  and  one  of 
them  did  fall  in  love  with  me.  All  the  better.  We 
should  simply  sublimate  her  emotion  into  love  of 
her  work. 

JOHNS.     You'd  what  ? 

AUSTIN.  Sublimate  her  emotion — not  familiar 
with  the  works  of  Freud? 

JOHNS.     Never  heard  of  him. 


36  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

AUSTIN.  Mercy,  what  a  sheltered  life  you've  led ! 
Well,  the  point  is  that  if  one  of  the  girls  should  de 
velop  a  sentiment,  I'd  make  her  work  all  the  harder 
for  it. 

JOHNS.  I  see.  Pass  her  college  examinations  for 
love  of  you  ? 

AUSTIN.  College !  I  shouldn't  allow  my  girls  to 
go  to  college. 

JOHNS.  The  Fairview  School  has  always  made  a 
specialty  of  college  examinations. 

AUSTIN.     Yes,  and  look  at  the  mortgage  on  it. 

JOHNS.  Do  you  think  you  know  more  about  edu 
cation  than  people  who  have  given  their  lives  to  it? 

AUSTIN.  I  know  more  about  girls  than  a  lot  of 
old  women  do. 

JOHNS.     Miss  Hays  isn't  old. 

AUSTIN.     Miss  Hays? 

JOHNS.  Yes.  The  lady  I  spoke  of — the  lady  I 
wish  left  in  charge. 

AUSTIN.  Now,  you  see,  Mr.  Johns,  I  don't  ask 
you  to  lend  me  money  to  carry  out  these  ideas  .  .  . 

JOHNS.     No,  you  have  some  glimmerings  left. 

AUSTIN.  But  what  I  do  ask  is  this — that  you 
leave  your  money  in  the  school  for  a  time,  and  that 

you  won't  withdraw  your  niece fJoHNS  looks 

at  him  suspiciously.)  At  least,  till  the  end  of  the 
term. 

JOHNS.  (Suspicious — quickly)  Did  you  ever  see 
my  niece? 

AUSTIN.  No,  no,  she's  nothing  but  a  pupil  to  me 
.  .  .  but  it'd  be  a  terrible  black  eye  to  the  new  man 
agement  if  you — such  a  prominent  patron  of  the 
school  .  .  . 

JOHNS.     (Looking  at  him)    Eh? 

AUSTIN.     Were  to  be  the  first  to  remove  a  pupil. 

DAVID.  (Rises,  earnestly)  Austin,  for  goodness* 
sake,  give  up  this  idea.  Let  Mr.  Johns  take  over 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  37 

the  school.     You  can't  lose  anything-  and  you  may 
make  a  dollar  or  two.     (Comes  down  R.cJ 

('JOHNS  looks  at  DAVID — approving.) 

AUSTIN.  Dave,  there  isn't  anything  anyone  could 
say  could  make  me  give  it  up. 

JOHNS.  (Rises — to  R.  of  AUSTIN,)  All  right, 
young  man,  all  right,  you're  a  fine  salesman  and  a 
good  talker.  We'll  go  along  your  own  lines.  I'll 
leave  my  niece. 

GEORGE.  (Rises)  I  wouldn't  do  that  if  I  were 
you,  sir. 

JOHNS.     How  about  your  sister  Sally,  George? 

GEORGE.  Oh,  it's  all  right  about  Sally,  but  I  don't 
want  Austin  teaching  Elise. 

JOHNS.  (To  AUSTIN )  This  is  my  new  proposi 
tion  :  I'll  leave  my  niece  and  I'll  leave  my  money  on 
two  conditions. 

AUSTIN.     Good — what  are  they  ? 

JOHNS.     First,  that  no  one  falls  in  love  with  you. 

AUSTIN.     I  guarantee  that  absolutely. 

GEORGE.  I  don't  see  how  you  can  guarantee  a 
thing  like  that. 

JIM.  CU.L.  of  i.e.)  Speaking  for  myself — that 
would  be  impossible. 

JOHNS.  Remember  that  if  anyone  falls  in  love 
with  you,  I'll  foreclose. 

AUSTIN.  If  one  of  the  girls  did  fall  in  love  with 
me,  it  would  ruin  the  school!  Well,  you  bet  your 
life  I  won't  let  that  happen.  What's  your  other 
condition? 

JOHNS.  That  you  retain  Miss  Hays  as  second  in 
command. 

AUSTIN.     Oh,  I  don't  know  about  that. 

JOHNS.  (Beginning  to  be  angry)  What  do  you 
mean?  What  objection  have  you  to  Miss  Hays? 


38  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

You  have  to  have  some  woman  there.  I  suppose 
even  you  will  admit  that. 

AUSTIN.  Yes.  I  must  have  a  woman  in  charge. 
But  I'm  not  sure  that  she  would  be  the  best. 

JOHNS.     What  have  you  got  against  Miss  Hays? 

AUSTIN.     She's  not  a  relative  of  yours,  is  she? 

JOHNS.  Well,  she's  a  sort  of  connection — by  mar 
riage. 

AUSTIN.  Well,  I  understand  that  she  has  been 
divorced. 

JOHNS.  (Bursting  out)  Well,  what  if  she  has? 
Are  you  going  to  hold  it  against  a  woman  if  she  was 
once  silly  enough  to  allow  herself  to  be  teased  into 
marrying  a  bad-tempered  cuss  that  no  one  could 
get  along  with? 

AUSTIN.     You  knew  her  husband  then? 

JOHNS.     Yes,  I  know  a  lot  about  him. 

AUSTIN.     And  you  think  it  was  all  his  fault? 

JOHNS.  Yes,  I  do—  (A  slight  pause.)  Al 
most  all. 

AUSTIN.  The  question  is — would  that  have  a 
good  influence  on  my  girls? 

GEORGE.     (Standing  at  chair  Lj     Your  girls! 

JOHNS.  (Suddenly  chuckling)  Well,  it  might 
have  a  very  good  influence  on  her. 

AUSTIN.    On  her? 

JOHNS.     To  have  a  male  boss  for  a  few  months. 

AUSTIN.    A  few  months? 

JOHNS.  You  don't  suppose  you  are  going  to  last 
longer  than  the  end  of  the  term,  do  you? 

AUSTIN.  Mr.  Johns,  I  expect  to  live  and  die  as 
the  successful  principal  of  the  Fairview  School  for 
girls!  (Walks  firmly  to  the  telephone  on  bureau.) 

('JOHNS  gestures  "Hopeless."     Crosses  to  chair  RV 
sits.    DAVID  crosses  up  R.C.  to  R.  of  AUSTIN .) 

GEORGE.     What  are  you  going  to  do,  Austin? 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  39 

AUSTIN.  (In  phone)  Hullo  Central!  Are  all 
the  wrong  numbers  busy?  Well,  get  me  Western 
Union,  please.  (During  the  following '  conversation 
he  sends  his  message.)  Western  Union?  This  is 
Grammercy  4442 — Fairview  School,  Westchester 
County.  Will  arrive  to-morrow  morning  to  inspect 
the  School.  Signed — Austin  Bevans — Repeat  that 
message,  please.  (When  JOHNS  speaks,  "Oh,  Mr. 

Bevans " )  And  charge  it  to  this  number,  etc. 

(End  of  message.) 

JIM.  Oh,  come  on,  don't  let  the  food  get  cold. 
(Exits  to  kitchen,  carries  plate.) 

DAVID.  (To  JOHNS,)  Mr.  Johns,  you're  a  sen 
sible  man,  won't  you  make  Austin  drop  these  plans 
of  his  ? 

("GEORGE  Crosses  to  L.  of  DAVID J 

JOHNS.     For  the  Charm  School? 

DAVID.  Yes,  you  don't  mean  you  think  he  can 
make  a  success  of  it? 

JOHNS.  Certainly  not,  Mr.  McKensie,  but  when 
an  obstinate  man  has  got  hold  of  something  that  you 
want  yourself,  sometimes  the  quickest  way  to  get  it 
away  from  him  is  to  let  him  ruin  it  his  own  way. 

GEORGE.  (L.  of  DAVID)  But  you  don't  really  ap 
prove  of  Austin  having  the  instruction  of  a  girl  like 
Elise.  (Quickly  apologising.)  Of  course,  it's  noth 
ing  to  me,  Mr.  Johns 

JOHNS.  Oh,  no,  of  course  not,  George,  but  why 
don't  you  apply  for  a  job  there  yourself?  fJiM  en 
ters — kitchen — to  L.C.  TIM  follows  in  to  L.  of  bench 
L.)  Girls  ought  to  understand  ho\v  to  balance  a 
check-book.  (Rises.  Going  to  L.  of  chair  c. 
GEORGE  sits  F.  of  bench  R.)  Oh,  Mr.  Bevans. 

AUSTIN.     And  charge  it  to  Grammercy  4442 — 


40  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

No,  I'm  not  stuttering,  4442.    (Hangs  up  receiver, 
conies  down  L.C.J 

("DAVID  goes  above  table  c. — sits.) 

JOHNS.  I  was  just  saying,  that  you  ought  to  get 
George  to  give  a  course  in  household  accounting. 
Women  should  understand  such  things. 

AUSTIN.  (-L.  of  JOHNS,)  Yes.  They  certainly 
ought. 

JIM.  (To  L.  of  AUSTIN,)  Oh,  Austin,  if  you  give 
George  a  job,  when  I  need  one  so  terrifically. 

AUSTIN.  (Crossing  to  mantel)  Nothing  doing, 
Jim. 

JIM.  (L.  of  JOHNS )  Oh,  Mr.  Johns,  speak  to 
him.  We  need  a  job  worse  than  anybody  else. 

TIM.  (To  R.  of  JOHNS )  Our  father  has  stopped 
our  allowance  until  we  find  one. 

JOHNS.  (Crossing  to  L.  of  AUSTIN,  R.cJ  Come 
now,  Mr.  Bevans,  aren't  you  a  little  inconsistent  to 
refuse  your  friends?  If  girls  are  to  learn  charm, 
so  much  better  from  you  than  from  your  aunt,  why 
shouldn't  they  learn — (Turns  to  TWINS.,) — what  is  it 
you  teach,  young  gentlemen? 

JIM.     (L.  of  TIM)     I  am  a  dancing  instructor. 

TIM.  (F.  of  B.Lj  And  I  am  amateur  tennis 
champion  of  Poughkeepsie,  and  I  play  the  ukulele! 

JOHNS.  Poughkeepsie — the  Smith  Brothers  with 
out  the  beards.  (R.C.)  There  you  are, — dancing, 
athletics,  and  the  ukulele  from  these  young  men. 

AUSTIN.  ("&.)  Ah,  you're  none  of  you  serious, 
but  I  am. 

JOHNS.  (Looks  at  him)  By  Gad,  I  believe  you 
are. 

AUSTIN.  You  bet  I  am.  I'm  going  there  to 
morrow  to  take  over  the  entire  management. 

JOHNS.     (Chuckling)    I  wish  I  could  be  there. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  41 

AUSTIN.  I  wish  you  could.  I  wish  you'd  come 
with  me. 

JOHNS.  Oh,  no.  (Seriously.)  I  can't  do  that. 
(A  slight  pause.)  How'll  you  go  about  it? 

AUSTIN.  I  shall  have  the  whole  school  assem 
bled,  and  make  them  a  short  address  describing  my 
aims  and  methods.  Then  I  shall  have  a  little  chat 
with  the  teachers,  make  up  my  mind  which  will  be 
suitable  to  my  ideas 

JOHNS.  (Chuckling)  I'd  give  ten  years  to  be 
there. 

AUSTIN.  Why  don't  you  come  and  introduce 
me? 

JOHNS.  By  George!  I  believe  I  will!  I'll  tell 
you  what  I'll  do.  I'll  motor  you  up.  I'll  call  for 
you  to-morrow  morning  at  9 : 30. 

AUSTIN.     Right,  9:  30.     (The  bell  rings  off  I.) 

DAVID.     Answer  the  bell,  Jim,  since  you're  up. 

TIM.  (Hastily  sitting  down)  But  I'm  not  up, 
Dave.  (On  F.  of  B.L.  of  T.C.) 

(]IM  slides  up  L.C.  out  of  the  way.    DAVTD  Crosses 
above  to  D.L.J 

GEORGE.  (To  L.  of  JOHNS)  I  can  go  with  you, 
too,  Austin,  look  over  the  books  and  give  you  some 
idea  of  your  financial  position. 

JOHNS.  Why,  he  hasn't  got  any  financial  posi 
tion. 

('DAVID  opens  door.) 

AUSTIN.  (R.)  But  I  will  have.  (Goes  to  man 
tel) 

(As  soon  as  the  TWINS  see  ELISE  they  show  sur 
prise,  they  slip  the  aprons  off.    JIM'S  on  chair 


42  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

U.L.C.  TIM  rises  L.  of  T.C.,  drops  his  apron 
there.  DAVID  opens  door  L.  Steps  back,  puts 
on  coat,  then  closes  door.  ELISE  is  standing 
there.  She  is  small,  very  gentle,  and  hides 
under  timidity  the  will  of  iron.) 

ELISE.  I  beg  your  pardon.  (Timidly.)  Is  Mr. 
Johns  here? 

GEORGE.  (Turns,  sees  ELISE,  crosses  eagerly  to 
her,  hand  outstretched,  JOHNS  comes  to  c.)  Why, 
Elise! 

ELISE.  Hello,  George!  (TWINS  take  a  good 
look  at  GEORGE'S  sweetheart.) 

JOHNS,  (x.  to  L.C.  Peering  at  her)  What  are 
you  doing  here? 

ELISE.  Oh!  Uncle, — (Crossing  toward  JOHNS.) 
I've  been  waiting  hours  and  hours  downstairs  in  the 
motor — the  chauffeur  said  he  was  to  meet  you  here 
at  six. 

JOHNS.  Why  aren't  you  at  school  where  you  be 
long? 

ELISE.  Well,  I  thought  I'd  like  to  go  to  the  thea 
ter  to-night,  uncle  darling. 

JOHNS.  There  must  be  fine  discipline  at  your 
school. 

ELISE.  There  isn't  any,  when  Miss  Hays  is 
away. 

JOHNS.     Where  is  Miss  Hays? 

ELISE.     She's  gone  home  for  a  few  days. 

JOHNS.     Gone  home! 

ELISE.     Yes,  her  mother's  very,  very  ill. 

JOHNS.    Hu ! 

ELISE.  And,  of  course,  we  can  do  anything  we 
like  with  Miss  Curtis. 

AUSTIN.    Ah ! 

JOHNS.  (Beginning  to  shout)  Well,  you  can't 
do  anything  you  like  with  me. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  43 

ELISE.     Oh,  yes,  I  can. 

JOHNS.     You'll  go  straight  back  there  to-night. 

ELISE.  Oh,  no,  no,  no,  not  to-night,  (Patting  his 
cheeks.)  Uncle  darling. 

JOHNS.  By  the  next  train.  I  never  heard  such 
nonsense. 

GEORGE.  (Steps  forward)  Oh,  do  please  let  her 
stay,  Mr.  Johns,  and  we'll  all  go  to  the  movies. 

TIM  and  JIM.  (Come  forward,  to  L.  of  JOHNS,) 
Ah,  please  do,  Mr.  Johns. 

JOHNS.  (Crossing  to  DAVID — L.I.)  Mr.  McKen- 
sie,  what  do  you  think  of  this?  ( ELISE  follows  to  R. 
of  JOHNS.,) 

DAVID.  (Solemnly)  Well,  I  think  in  principle 
the  young  lady  ought  to  go  back  to  her  school.  (The 
BOYS  glare  at  DAVID  for  suggesting  such  a  thing.) 

ELISE.  Oh!  Mr.  MacKenzie !  (Smiles at  DAVID 
— DAVID  weakens.) 

DAVID.  But  in  view  of  the  circumstances,  I 
should  make  an  exception. 

ELISE.  (Beaming  on  DAVID,)  Oh,  that  is  nice  of 
you.  (Shakes  hands  with  DAVID J  How  do  you 
do?  (Turns  to  the  TWINS.  GEORGE  shakes  hands 
with  DAVID.,) 

JOHNS.  (Crosses  to  AUSTIN  at  mantel — ELISE 
follows  him)  And  what  do  you  think  of  this? 

AUSTIN.  (Comes  down  R.C.  Very  stern)  I 
think  she  ought  to  go  back. 

ELISE.  (Reproachfully)  Oh!  (Stamps  her 
foot.) 


CURTAIN 
(First  Picture:) 

JOHNS.     (Taking  his  hat)     That  settles  it,  back 
you  go!    (ELISE  remonstrates.)    JOHNS  hurries  her 


44  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

to  door  L.)    No,  no.    (^GEORGE  hurries  to  door,  opens 
it  as  JOHNS  hurries  ELISE  out.) 

CURTAIN 
(Second  Picture:) 

^GEORGE,  DAVID  and  the  TWINS  are  grouped  around 
the  door — looking  off.  They  turn  to  AUSTIN — 
sitting  chair  c. — he  rises,  goes  R.) 

CURTAIN 
(Third  Picture:) 

(The  BOYS  are  grouped  L.  of  chair  c. — AUSTIN  R.C. 
— ELISE  and  JOHNS  enter — stand  inside  door 
way.) 


CURTAIN  FALLS 


ACT  II 

SCENE:  The  main  hall  of  the  School  in  one  of  the 
fine  old  Colonial  houses  of  Wcstchester  County, 
New  York. 

Everything  about  the  set  shows  the  best  taste, 
but  executed  in  a  quiet,  simple  manner. 

On  L.  above  the  return  is  a  fireplace  built 
into  the  set,  about  18  inches  above  the  mantel  is 
a  fiat  extending  across  stage  to  R. 

On  R.  above  the  return  is  a  fireplace  built  into 
the  set.  Both  sides  of  the  set  below  the  flat  are 
exactly  alike. 

This  flat  is  divided  into  three  equal  sections, 
by  two  posts.  Two  high  arches,  and  the  space 
on  the  R.  contains  a  glass  door  which  swings 
down  and  off,  leading  into  another  section  of 
the  house  and  L.  of  this  door  a  low,  broad  stair 
way  of  six  steps  running  straight  up  stage  to  a 
platform — then  off  to  R.  There  is  a  high,  nar 
row  windozv  above  platform.  Back  of  the  tivo 
arches — c.  and  L. — is  a  rectangular  space  about 
8  by  20  feet ;  in  the  wall  side  on  L.  is  a  door. 
Swinging  up  and  off.  In  the  back  flat  on  L. 
proportioned  to  the  arch  L.  is  a  large  Colonial 
glass  door,  swinging  up  stage  and  on,  with  nar 
row  side  windows.  The  rest  of  back  flat  is 
blank,  with  a  side  piece  coming  down  stage  to 
the  post  R.C. — The  partition  between  the  stairs 
and  this  section  of  the  set.  The  above  glass 
door  is  the  general  entrance  from,  outside. 
Above  this  is  a  porch  and  rail — backed  by  a 
45 


46  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

landscape  drop — trees,  shrubs,  etc.,  in  blossom 
— as  it  is  springtime.  The  door  on  L.  is  backed 
by  an  interior  backing — on  R.  by  an  interior 
backing. 

SCENE    I:     Time — noon,  the  following  day. 
SCENE  II:    About  two  weeks  later. 

DISCOVERED:  Miss  CURTIS  is  at  desk  L. — going 
over  her  account  book,  adding  up  figures,  evi 
dently  very  much  distressed.  As  she  holds  her 
head  in  her  hands — "hopelessly,"  SALLY  enters 
— running  down  the  stairs  R.  with  "The  Satur 
day  Evening  Post"  She  stumbles  and  falls 
above  and  to  L.  of  sofa  R.  On  seeing  Miss  CUR 
TIS  she  hides  the  "Post"  behind  her. 

Miss  CURTIS.     (Startled)     Oh,  Sally! 

SALLY,  f  On  her  knees — U.L.  of  sofa — R.)  Shall 
I  be  in  your  way  if  I  study  in  here,  Miss  Curtis  ? 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Not  looking  up)  No,  of  course 
not,  child.  What  are  you  studying,  Sally? 

SALLY.  (Selecting  a  large  atlas  on  sofa  R.  and 
settling  the  magazine  inside  of  it — sits  on  sofa  R.J 
Physical  geography,  Miss  Curtis.  (Continues  to 
read  her  story — comes  to  a  very  exciting  part.)  Oh ! 

Miss  CURTIS.     Is  it  so  hard,  dear? 

SALLY.     Not  very. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Because  if  it  is,  you  may  bring  it 
to  me — but  don't  disturb  me  if  you  can  help  it — 
I'm  so  anxious  to  get  these  books  in  order  before 
Mr.  Bevans  arrives. 

SALLY.  Too  bad  he's  coming  the  very  day  Miss 
Hays  is  away. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Yes,  isn't  it? — But  she'll  be  here. 
I  telegraphed  her  yesterday. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  47 

SALLY.  What  do  you  suppose  Mr.  Bevans  will 
be  like,  Miss  Curtis? 

Miss  CURTIS.  I  haven't  the  least  idea,  Sally,  but 
I'm  sure  of  one  thing — any  relation  of  dear  Mrs. 
Bevans  is  bound  to  be  a  Christian  gentleman. 

SALLY.     (Drearily)    I'm  afraid  so. 

(MURIEL  and  ETHEL  enter  room  R.  ETHEL  goes  to 
piano  and  sits.  She  is  wearing  very  large  tur 
quoise  comb  in  her  hair,  on  R.  side.  MURIEL  to 
L.  of  SALLY,  looking  over  her  shoulder.) 

MURIEL.  What  are  you  reading,  Sally  ?  I'm  go 
ing  to  tell  on  you. 

SALLY.     (Driving  her  away)     Shhss — shut  up ! 

(ETHEL  strikes  a  low  note  on  piano.  Miss  CURTIS 
jumps.  MURIEL  goes  to  piano,  sits  on  bench, 
below  ETHEL.  They  start  practicing  the  scale 
and  singing.  Miss  CURTIS  nearly  goes  mad. 
She  is  holding  her  head  as  if  it  would  burst. 
ELISE  appears  on  stairs  and  takes  in  the  situa 
tion.  SALLY  rises,  carrying  the  Atlas,  she  also 
sings  the  scales,  mocking  the  girls,  and  crosses 
to  above  post  L.cJ 

ELISE.  Muriel!  Ethel!  (R.  of  them.)  You  are 
almost  driving  poor  Miss  Curtis  mad.  (They  stop.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (X.F.  up  to  commode)  Oh,  no, 
Elise,  don't  stop  them !  It's  very  silly  of  me  not  to 
be  able  to  work  while  they  practice. 

MURIEL.  (Bobbing  her  head  at  ELISE  j  I've  got 
to  do  my  scales.  Elise. 

ELISE.     Do  them  in  the  music  room. 

MURIEL.     It's  so  chilly  there. 

ELISE.     That's  what  a  music  room  is  for. 

(ELISE  goes  to  c.     The  GIRLS  again  rim  the  scales 


48  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

and  sing.  Three  times — stop.  SALLY  goes  to 
sofa  L.  Lounges  on  it.  Still  absorbed  in  her 
story.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Comes  down  L.  of  ELISE,  who  has 
come  to  c.)  I'm  so  anxious  to  get  these  books  in 
order  before  Mr.  Bevans  arrives — and  he  may  be 
here  any  moment  now. 

ELISE.  ( R.  of  Miss  CURTIS,)  What  do  you  think 
he'll  be  like,  Miss  Curtis? 

^SALLY  remains  reading — on  sofa  'L.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  I  haven't  the  least  idea — but  do 
you  know — whenever  I'm  in  doubt  I  always  consult 
the  Bible — just  open  it  anywhere  and  put  my  finger 
on  a  verse.  I  did  it  this  morning,  and  what  do  you 
suppose  the  verse  was ? 

ELISE.     What  was  it  ? 

Miss  CURTIS.  — What  the  Queen  of  Sheba  said 
to  Solomon :  (Crosses  F. — to  L.  of  D.L.J  "Verily, 
the  half  was  not  told  to  me." 

( ELISE  crosses  to  sofa  R. — kneels  on  it,  reaches  over 
to  desk  R.  ETHEL  runs  scale  and  sings  to  show 
MURIEL  the  way  it  should  be  done.) 

SALLY.  (Dispassionately — is  lounging  on  sofa  L. ) 
I  suppose  you  know  the  furnace  man  is  drunk  again, 
Miss  Curtis. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Shocked)  Good  gracious,  Sally, 
that  can't  be. 

SALLY.  You  mean  they  can't  get  it  any  more. 
Oh,  yes,  they  can — the  wise  guys. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (More  firmly)  I  mean,  you 
shouldn't  know  anything  about  such  things. 

SALLY.    Well,  how  can  I  help  knowing  about  it, 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  49 

when  he's  been  rowing-  with  the  cook  all  the  morning 
under  my  window.  Ha !  I  never  heard  such  names 
as  he  called  her. 

ELISE.  (Rises  and  runs  to  SALLY'S  Rj  Give 
us  a  tell?  ( SALLY  rises,  leaves  book  on  sofa  L. 
SALLY  whispers  it  to  ELISE.  ETHEL,  and  MURIEL 
turn  to  her — on  bench.)  Oh!  (Crosses  to  sofa  L., 
kneels  on  it.) 

ETHEL  and  MURIEL.  (Rise,  go  to  SALLY'S  R.J 

Tell  us!  Tell  us (SALLY  whispers  it  to  them, 

MURIEL  first — then  to  ETHEL.J 

MURIEL.     Tell  me ! 

ETHEL.     (Horrified)    Did  he  say  that  ?    Hu ! 

MURIEL.  (Crossing  to  sofa  R. — sits)  I  don't 
call  that  anything.  My  father  calls  our  cook  much 
worse  every  time  dinner  is  late. 

(A  terrible  racket  is  heard  off  stage  U.L.,  followed 
by  angry  voices.  LILLIAN.,  MADGE  and  ALIX 
enter — on  stairs  u.R.J 

SALLY.  (Runs  up  to  door  U.L. — looks  off — turns 
to  the  GIRLS,  delighted)  Ha,  ha.  I  guess  she  got 
him  that  time.  (Coming  down  L.  of  c.  Sh  Giving 
them  how  it  was  done.)  She  caught  him  and  shook 
him  and  threw  him  down,  then  she  kicked  him. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  Sally,  Sally,  Sally.  (Rising) 
I  must  go  and  stop  them.  I'm  sure  I  haven't  the 
least  idea  what  to  say.  (L.C.) 

ELISE.     Shall  we  go,  Miss  Curtis? 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Shocked  into  action,  going  to 
door  u.L.c.J  Certainly  not,  my  dear — (Turns.) 
That  wpuld  be  most  improper. 

(Miss  CURTIS  exits.  ELISE  to  sofa  L. — sits.  MU 
RIEL  crosses  to  R.  of  T.R.  Kneels  on  chair — dips 
pen  in  ink  and  shakes  ink  on  floor — tries  to 


50  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

write — again  dips  pen  in  ink  and  repeats  the 
business.  MADGE  and  ALIX  cross  to  sofa  R.  and 
sit — LILLIAN  goes  to  R.  of  piano.  ETHEL  sits — 
piano  bench.  Song:  "Left  All  Alone  Again" — 
Blues — Night  Boat.  MURIEL  starts  to  sing 
slowly.  ETHEL  picks  it  up  on  piano,  other  girls 
slowly  come  in.) 

SALLY.  >( F.  of  post — L.cJ  It  seems  as  if  school 
got  rottener  every  day. 

ETHEL.  (Sitting — p.B.J  It  always  seems  worse 
in  Spring. 

MURIEL.  (Kneeling  on  chair — R.  of  D.R.)  Cer 
tainly  the  food  is  rottener. 

SALLY.  Food!  I  haven't  seen  any  real — what  I 
call  food — since  I  came  here.  (Slides  down — sits  on 
floor — F.  of  post  L.c.j 

LILLIAN.  (Going  to  c.$)  I  shouldn't  mind  so 
much,  if  they  taught  us  anything  really  useful — 
(To  L.,  whirls  about,  jumps  on  u.  arm  of  sofa  L.j 
like  a  new  step  in  dancing.  { ELISE  rises — sits  on  top 
of  piano.) 

(Song:  "I  Might  Be  Yours  Once  in  a  While.") 

MADGE.  (Rises — going  to  piano)  Oh,  what's  the 
use  of  knowing  how  to  dance  if  there  aren't  any 
boys  to  dance  with?  (Sits  on  bench  below  ETHEL.J 

( ETHEL  commences  to  play,  the  GIRLS  sing  16  bars 
of  "I  Might  Be  Yours  Once  in  a  While") 

MURIEL.  (Sits — chair  Rj  I  feel  as  if  I  should 
die,  if  I  didn't  see  an  attractive  man  within  twenty- 
four  hours. 

SALLY.     Any  kind  would  do  me. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  51 

ALIX.  (Sitting  on  sofa  R. — to  MURIELJ  But — 
but — but 

LILLIAN.  (On  sofa  L.J  Quiet,  there,  quiet! 
(ETHEL  stops  playing.)  Alix  is  trying  to  say  some 
thing  in  English. 

( ETHEL  slides  down  on  bench,  shoves  MADGE  off. 
MADGE  stands  at  post  R.  of  piano.) 

ALIX.  But  I  heard — they  say  in  France  that  que 
les  jeunes  filles  Americaines — the  American  girls 
they  do  not  like  men. 

MADGE.  (R.  of  pj  Mustn't  believe  all  you  hear, 
Alix. 

SALLY.     Where  did  you  get  that  stuff  ? 

ETHEL.     Alix,  why  don't  you  like  men? 

ALIX.  (Rises,  crosses  A.  to  L.  of  desk  L.)  I — oh, 
yee-es — I  like  the  men,  I  like  them — very,  very 
much 

ETHEL.  So  do  I  like  men,  a  different  one  every 
day.  (Turns  to  piano.) 

SALLY.     Ethel,  I  call  that  flirting.     (Plays.) 

(MADGE  sits  sofa  R.  LILLIAN  sits  sofa  L.  SALLY 
at  post  L.C.  ALIX  L.  of  desk  L.  MURIEL  sits  R. 
of  desk  R.J 

ELISE.  No,  you're  all  wrong,  Sally,  that's  not 
flirting 

(MADGE  sofa  RV  sits.    ETHEL  starts  to  play  on  the 
piano.     ELISE  sings.) 

"WHEN    I    DISCOVER    MY    MAN" 

It  is  not  flirting,  you'll  agree 

To  take  a  lot  of  time  and  trouble 


52  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

To  find  the  man  who  will  for  me 

Make  sorrow  half  and  pleasure  double. 

It  seems  as  though  I'd  changed  my  mind 
And  loved  first  one  man,  then  another, 

But  no,  I  merely  try  to  find 

The  one  man  worth  all  the  bother. 

("SALLY  lifts  ELISE'  arm.) 

REFRAIN : 

I  would  not  marry 

Tom  or  Dick  or  Harry, 
Bill  or  Phil  or  Larry 

Oh,  no,  (Stop.) 

But  oh,  it  worries  me  so 

To  pick  the  right  sort  of  beau         (Hum.) 
He  must  be  like  Apollo 

Not  a  little  Rollo 
To  discover  him  is  my  plan 

And  he  won't  get  out  of  my  sight 
For  a  night 

When  I  discover  my  man. 

ELISE.     If  perchance  a  man  can  dance 
GIRLS.     That  enhances  the  romance 
ELISE.     He  should  make  the  first  advance 
GIRLS.     And  they  all  learnt  how  in  France 
ELISE.     And  I  rather  like  them  breezy 
And  easy 
In  finance. 

GIRLS.     And  if  he  doesn't  fill 
ELISE.     What  some  people  call  the  bill 
GIRLS.     There  are  many  others  will 
ELISE.     You  had  better  wait  until 

You  re-discover  your  lover, 
Perhaps  the  new  one  is  the  true  one. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  53 

(At  finish  of  dance  ALL  are  sitting  on  the  floor. 
ELISE  c.2 — MURIEL  R.C.L. — MADGE  L.  of  R.c.2. 
LILLIAN  R.  of  0.3 — SALLY  c.  above  ELISE,  ALIX 
L.  of  L.C.L. — ETHEL  L.c.2 .) 

LILLIAN.  (Crawls  to  ELISEJ  I  know  a  school 
where  they  have  a  regular  dance  with  boys  every 
Saturday  night. 

MADGE.     I  should  adore  that. 

LILLIAN.     How  divine. 

SALLY.     (Crawls  forward)     Some  school. 

ETHEL.  (Crossing  above  to  below  SALLYJ  I  won 
der  if  we  couldn't  introduce  that  idea  here. 

SALLY.     With  Miss  Hays?     I  guess  not. 

ETHEL.  Oh,  no,  Sally,  with  the  new  principal. 
Perhaps  we  could  put  it  over  with  Mr.  Bevans. 

SALLY.  In  the  long  run  you  can  usually  put  any 
thing  over  with  a  man. 

ELISE.  Particularly  an  old  man.  I  can  do  any 
thing  I  like  with  my  uncle. 

SALLY.  Hy !  He  wouldn't  let  you  stay  in  town 
last  night. 

ELISE.  Oh,  that  wasn't  my  uncle.  That  was  a 
most  wonderful  man. 

GIRLS.     (Ad  lib,  crawl  forward)    Who  was  it? 

LILLIAN.     What's  his  name? 

ELISE.  I  don't  know  his  name.  But  he  was  tall 
and  beautiful  and  stern  and  when  all  the  others 
begged  my  uncle  to  let  me  stay,  he  simply  said,  "I 
think  she  ought  to  go  back." 

SALLY.     And  you  liked  that? 

ELISE.  Oh,  Sally,  he  was  divine.  He  was  like  a 
king. 

(Enter  Miss   CURTIS  D.U.L.C. — talking  to  herself.) 
Miss  CURTIS.     Children — children.     (The  GIRLS 


54  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

crowd  around  her.  ELISE  and  ALIX  L.  of  Miss  CUR 
TIS.  ) 

SALLY.  (R.  of  Miss  CURTIS,)  Wasn't  he  spiffed, 
Miss  Curtis? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Do  you  know,  dears,  I  don't  be 
lieve  men  would  ever  take  that  horrid  stuff  if  they 
knew  how — uncontrolled  it  made  them  appear. 

(ELISE  L.  of  Miss  CURTIS.,) 

MURIEL.  (Crossing  toward  her)  Did  you  set 
tle  him,  Miss  Curtis? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Yes,  I  quieted  him.  He  seemed 
to  fall  into  a  sort  of  stupor. 

MURIEL.     That's  a  new  name  for  it. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (A  gong  sounds  off  U.L.J  There's 
the  eleven  o'clock  recess.  (Crossing  F.  to  L.  of 
desk  L.J 

ELISE.  (The  GIRLS  start  for  D.R.  ad  lib.  Starts 
with  GIRLS,  comes  back  to  c.)  Can't  I  help  you, 
Miss  Curtis  ?  I'm  not  much  good  at  figures,  but 

SALLY.  (At  D.R. — to  c.)  Come  on,  Elise,  we 
have  a  senior  class  meeting.  Have  you  forgotten? 
And  you  senior  president! 

ELISE.  (R.  of  0.3 )  Can  I  help  you?  (To  SALLY,) 
Shss — don't  be  so  noisy. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Crosses  F.  to  R.  of  D.R.  Carries 
a  ledger  and  sheet  of  paper,  lays  the  ledger  on  the 
desk. — After  a  pause — picks  up  something  on  floor 
R.c.J  Thank  you,  dear.  I'll  get  along  somehow — 
but  I  do  wish  Miss  Hays  were  here.  ^MURIEL 
throws  dart.)  Those  children  are  about  six  years 
old,  every  one  of  them.  (Goes  on  murmuring  as  she 
works.  The  GIRLS  go  out  D.R. — SALLY  goes  to 
ELISE,  grabs  her  hand  and  drags  her  out  D.R.  JOHNS 
enters  D.U.L.C.,  wears  cap  and  automobile  coat,  comes 
down  to  €.3 — Miss  CURTIS  springs  up  and  ap- 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  55 

proaches  JOHNS.J  Oh,  Mr.  Bevans!  We've  been 
expecting  you.  I'm  so  sorry  Miss  Hayes  isn't  here. 
I  am  Miss  Curtis,  the  School's  Secretary. 

JOHNS.  (c.$)  I  am  not  Mr.  Bevans,  Miss  Cur 
tis. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (R.  of  JOHNSJ  No?  Oh,  do  ex 
cuse  me,  you  see  we're  expecting  our  new  principal 
to-day.  Are  you  a — are  you  a  parent? 

JOHNS.     No,  I'm  not.     My  name  is  Johns. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Backing  away)  Johns,  Johns! 
Not — not — not 

JOHNS.     Homer  Johns  is  my  name. 

^AUSTIN  enters  D.U.L.C.,  carries  derby  hat,  and  wears 
overcoat.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  good  gracious !  But  what  are 
you  doing  here? 

JOHNS.  I  came  to  bring  you  your  new  principal. 
fMiss  CURTIS  places  the  dart  she  has  in  her  hand 
on  desk  R.  AUSTIN  comes  down  L.  of  JOHNS. ) 
Miss  Curtis,  this  is  Mr.  Bevans. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Tunis,  sees  AUSTIN.  Gives  a 
low  cry)  Heavenly  day — him !  (Corrects  herself.) 
He !  '(Backs  to  U.E.  of  sofa  *.) 

AUSTIN.  (Seeing  the  time  has  come  to  assert 
himself.  Crosses  to  her.  JOHNS  goes  down  L.cJ 
Miss  Curtis,  I  should  like  to  inspect  the  buildings 
and  grounds,  and  then  later  in  the  morning.  I  wish' 
you  would  assemble  the  entire  school,  so  that  I  can 
speak  to  them  all. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (R.  of  c.)  Oh,  I  don't  quite  see 
how  that  can  be  possible.  You  see,  they  are  all  in 
classes. 

AUSTIN,  (c.)  They  must  be  gotten  out  of  their 
classes. 

Miss  CURTIS.     Yes,  yes,  of  course.     (To  door.) 


56  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

Oh,  dear,  oh,  dear.  Will  you  just  wait  here  a  mo 
ment,  please?  f  Miss  CURTIS  goes  to  door  R. — turns 
about,  confused.)  Just  a  moment,  please 

^AUSTIN  watches  her  out — looks  at  JOHNS — goes  to 
sofa  R. — looks  at  painting  on  wall  above  mantel 
on  R. — the  portrait  of  his  late  aunt.) 

JOHNS.  (Comes  to  L.  of  c.)  So  you  are  going 
to  be  a  tyrant,  eh? 

AUSTIN.  Most  people  like  their  orders  better 
when  they're  clear. 

JOHNS.  Young  man,  you  have  some  sound  ideas, 
but  if  I  were  about  to  address  fifty  giggling  girls,  I 
should  be  nervous. 

AUSTIN.     They  won't  giggle. 

(Re-enter  Miss  CURTIS — D.R. — looking  at  AUSTIN, 
hardly  able  to  speak.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Crosses  to  c. — indicating  door  L.) 
I  wonder,  would  you  mind  waiting  in  that  room — 
just  a  moment — please.  If  you  don't  mind — (^AUS 
TIN  crosses  to  D.L. — turns  to  her.  JOHNS  crosses  to 
R.c.J  you  see,  I  fear  it  would  be  somewhat  of  a 
shock  to  the  girls  if  they  should  see  you  ( AUSTIN 
turns  to  her)  unexpectedly.  ^AUSTIN  bows.) 
Thank  you. 

AUSTIN.     Thank  you.     (Exits  D.L.J 

JOHNS.  {Crossing  to  D.L.J  I  guess  they'd  bear 
up,  all  right.  (Bows — exits  D.L.J 

("Miss  CURTIS  trying  to  collect  herself — crosses — 
and  closes  door  R. — so  the  GIRLS  will  not  see 
the  "man."  Miss  HAYS  enters — D.U.L.C.,  wear 
ing  hat  and  traveling  dress.) 

Miss  HAYS.     Well,  Theodosia! 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  57 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Tunis,  sees  Miss  HAYS,  goes  to 
her)  Oh,  Eleanor  !  Eleanor !  Thank  Heaven,  you 
have  come!  Oh,  Eleanor,  the  most  dreadful  thing 
has  happened. 

Miss  HAYS.  (c. — Perfectly  calm  and  accus 
tomed  to  Miss  CURTIS^  What  has  happened,  Theo- 
dosia? 

Miss  CURTIS.  (R.  of  Miss  HAYS — pointing  to 
door  Lj  Listen,  Eleanor,  there's  a  young  man  in 
there  who  looks  like  a  Greek  God,  and  says  he  owns 
the  school,  and  wants  to  inspect  it.  (Miss  HAYS  be 
gins  to  smile  at  the  idea.)  Ah,  you  wouldn't  smile, 
my  dear,  if  you  had  seen  him.  I  tell  you  he's  the 
kind  of  a  young-  man  who  should  never  come  into  a 
girls'  school.  Why,  he's  beautiful. 

Miss  HAYS.  (Laughs)  \Vell,  of  course,  Theo- 
dosia,  that's  very  wrong  of  him,  but  if  he  owns  the 
school,  we  can't  very  well  keep  him  out,  can  we? 
(Turns  to  go  to  D.L.)  I'll  go  and  speak  to  him. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  no,  no (Miss  HAYS 

turns  to  her.)  You  can't  do  that,  either.  Because 
another  terrible  thing  has  happened. 

Miss  HAYS.  Now,  what  has  happened,  Theo- 
dosia? 

Miss  CURTIS.  He  was  brought  here  by  your — by 
Mr.  Johns. 

Miss  HAYS.     By  Homer? 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Distracted)  Yes,  yes,  of  course, 
you  can't  see  them.  I'll  have  it  to  do.  You  had  bet 
ter  go  upstairs  and  lock  yourself  in  your  room — 
only  tell  me  what  to  say 

Miss  HAYS.  Lock  myself  in  my  room?  Non 
sense!  If  Mr.  Johns  can  bear  seeing  me,  I  think 
I  can  bear  seeing  him.  I  shall  behave  as  if  he  were 
any  other  parent  or  guardian  of  the  school.  Noth 
ing  will  annoy  him  more  than  that.  (Crosses  A.  to  R. 
of  desk  R.,  removing  gloves,  etc.  Miss  CURTIS  goes 


58  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

up  c.  Looks  off  D.Lj  They  want  to  inspect  the 
school,  do  they?  Very  well,  I'll  take  them  over  it. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  Eleanor,  I  do  think  you're 
brave. 

Miss  HAYS.  Will  you  please  go  and  call  them 
in,  Theodosia? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Yes — yes — I  will.  (Starts  for  D. 
— turns  to  Miss  HAYS.)  I'll  bring  your  smelling 
salts,  you'll  need  them.  fMiss  HAYS  smiles — Miss 
CURTIS  goes  to  D.L.  Calling  off.)  Gentlemen,  will 
you  please  come  this  way  ?  (As  they  appear.)  Miss 
Hays  is  here. 

^AUSTIN  enters,  comes  to  c. — JOHNS  follows  him 
into  L.  of  c.  Miss  HAYS  picks  up  paper  on 
desk  RV  glances  at  it.  Miss  CURTIS  R.  of 
post  L.) 

AUSTIN.     Is  this  Miss  Hays? 

(Miss  HAYS  looks  only  at  AUSTIN.    It  is  a  shock  to 
JOHNS  to  find  her  there.) 

Miss  HAYS.     How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Bevans? 

AUSTIN.  (Noticing  that  she  pays  no  attention  to 
JOHNS,)  I  believe  you  have  met  Mr.  Johns? 

Miss  HAYS.  (Perfectly  civil)  Not  for  some 
years.  (She  tears  the  paper  Miss  CURTIS  has  put 
on  desk  RV  drops  the  pieces  in  waste-paper  basket  in 
front  of  desk — looks  at  JOHNS  J  You  have  taken 

on  weight  since  last  we  met,  Mr.  Johns ( JOHNS 

buttons  his  coat.)  Now,  Mr.  Bevans,  I  understand 
you  want  to  inspect  the  school.  I  am  at  your  dis 
posal.  What  would  you  like  to  see  first? 

AUSTIN.  fR.c.J  I  would  like  to  look  at  the  little 
cottage  where  my  aunt 

JOHNS.     (L.C.,  interrupting)    Before  you  start  on 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  59 

your  tour  of  inspection,  might  I  have  a  word  with 
you  in  private,  Miss  Hays? 

(AUSTIN  turns  up  R.C.  to  piano.) 

Miss  HAYS.  (Calmly  surprised)  I'm  afraid  not, 
Mr.  Johns.  But  if  you  have  anything  to  say  about 
Elise,  Miss  Curtis  is  disengaged,  I  think. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Standing  at  post  L.C.  Very  ob 
liging,  com-es  down  R.  of  JOHNS,)  Oh,  yes,  yes,  of 
course — Elise,  the  dear  child 

JOHNS.  (Ignores  Miss  CURTIS,)  This  isn't  about 
Elise.  ("Miss  CURTIS  shudders,  goes  to  sofa  L.)  It's 
about  the  school — the  general  welfare  of  the  school. 

Miss  HAYS.  (R.  of  desk  R.)  Write  us  a  letter 
about  it,  Mr.  Johns,  and  I'm  sure  Miss  Curtis  will 
send  you  a  prompt  answer. 

Miss  CURTIS.     (Obliging)     Yes,  yes,  of  course. 

fMiss  CURTIS  crosses  to  L.  of  desk  L.    JOHNS,  in  a 
temper,  goes  up — L.cJ 

Miss  HAYS.  (Crossing  F. — L.  of  sofa  n.)  And 

now,  Mr.  Bevans ( AUSTIN  comes  down — R.  of 

C.L.  of  Miss  HAYSJ  You  were  saying  you  wanted 
to  see  your  aunt's  cottage? 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  Miss  HAYS,)  Yes,  I'd  like  to 
know  how  soon  I  can  move  in. 

Miss  HAYS.  (Startled  for  the  first  time)  Move 
in  ?  You  don't  intend  to  live  there  ? 

AUSTIN.  I  certainly  do.  I'd  like  to  see  that  first 
and  then  the  other  buildings — and  then  the  books 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Flustered.  Picks  up  ledger,  holds 
it  in  her  arms)  Oh!  Oh,  yes — yes — the  books — 
(The  books) — I'm  so  sorry,  Mr.  Bevans,  but  you  see 
the  books  are  not  quite  in  order.  ( JOHNS  and  Aus- 


60  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

TIN  exchange  glances.)  You  see  I'm  not  an  ac 
countant. 

AUSTIN.  ( JOHNS  at  R.  of  post  L.c.J  It's  of  no 
consequence,  Miss  Curtis,  my  lawyer  will  be  here  in 
a  few  minutes  with  an  expert  accountant. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  Eleanor,  isn't  that  nice,  we  are 
to  have  an  expert  account — (Catches  JOHNS'  eyef  as 
he  is  glancing  at  her.) — ant.  (Replaces  ledgers  on 
desk  L.) 

AUSTIN.  And  now,  Miss  Hayes,  if  there  are  any 
special  problems  of  the  school  that  you  would  like 
to  bring  to  me,  I  should  be  delighted  to  take  them 
up  with  you. 

Miss  HAYS.  fR.cJ  One  moment,  Mr.  Bevans, 
you  don't  mean  that  you  intend  personally  to  have 
anything  to  do  with  the  management  of  this  school  ? 

AUSTIN.  (R.  of  c.)  I  certainly  do — with  the 
organization,  the  finances,  and  the  general  scheme. 
You  see,  Miss  Hays,  I  have  some  very  decided  views 
on  the  subject  of  the  education  of  girls.  I  think 
that  girls 

JOHNS.  (F.  of  post  L.C. — comes  down  L.  of  AUS 
TIN  )  I  believe  that  I  could  explain  Mr.  Bevan's 
views  to  you — if  you  would  let  Miss  Curtis  show 
him  over  the  buildings. 

Miss  HAYS.  {Crossing  to  R.  of  JOHNS )  Thank 
you,  I  prefer  to  hear  them  from  Mr.  Bevans,  him 
self.  He  can  tell  me  as  we  go.  (Going  up  D.U.L.C. 
Miss  CURTIS  rises.) 

AUSTIN.  (Joining  Miss  HAYS — on  her  R.j  Cer 
tainly.  You  see,  Miss  Hays,  my  idea  is  that  girls 

should  be  educated  to  be  charming (Both  exit 

D.U.L.C.  ) 

Miss  HAYS.     To  be  what? 

AUSTIN.  Educated  to  be  charming (Exit 

both.) 

JOHNS.     (L.  of  post  L.C. — to  Miss  CURTIS.    Miss 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  61 

CURTIS  goes  to  him  U.L.  of  desk  L.)    Well,  I  sup 
pose  we  might  as  well  tag  along  -  ? 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Goes  to  his  L.)  Oh,  yes,  I  own 
I  am  interested  to  hear  Mr.  Bevans'  views  on  edu 
cation.  (Starts  for  door  —  JOHNS  stops  her.) 

(SALLY  is  seen  peeking  through  door  R.  —  MURIEL 
and  the  other  GIRLS  are  behind  her.) 

JOHNS.  Oh,  I  can  tell  you  —  he  wants  girls  edu 
cated  to  be  charming. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Charming  —  that  would  be  original. 
But  how? 

JOHNS.  (Going  up  to  D.U.L.C.  )  I  don't  know,  but 
I  suppose  you  can  knock  anything  into  their  stupid 
little  heads  if  you  try  hard  enough.  The  idea  is 
that  -  (They  go  out,  talking,  D.u.L.cJ 


runs  up  to  door,  followed  by  MURIEL,  they 
look  off  after  them,  the  other  GIRLS  run  in,  look 
at  each  other  —  ad  lib.  ETHEL  sits  on  sofa  R.  — 
LILLIAN  goes  to  sofa  L.,  sits  —  ALIX  goes  R.  of 
desk  R.  —  MADGE  goes  above  desk  R.) 

MURIEL.  (Turning  to  GIRLS  )  Did  you  ever  hear 
anything  like  that?  (Runs  back  to  R.C.) 

SALLY.  (Disapprovingly,  at  D.U.L.C.  Looking 
off)  So  that's  him,  is  it?" 

MURIEL.  (Calling  off  door  R.)  Elise,  Elise,  come 
here!  Something  awful  has  happened. 

(Enter  ELISE  door  R.) 
ELISE.     (To  L.  of  sofa  R.)    What  is  it? 
(LILLIAN  rises  —  to  R.  of  c.) 

MURIEL.  (L.  of  ELISE)  Mr.  Bevans  has  come, 
and  he's  perfectly  horrid. 


62  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

ELISE.     What's  he  like? 

MURIEL.     Oh,  he's  old  and  he  looks  cross 

SALLY.  And  he's  as  big  as  a  red  barn.  (Coming 
down  L.  of  MURIEL.  LILLIAN  sits,  sofa  L.j 

MURIEL.  And  he  wants  us  educated  to  be  charm 
ing. 

ELISE.     He  doesn't  think  us  charming  already? 

ALIX.  (R.  of  desk  R. — ad  lib.  French)  Char- 
mant.  Charmant,  comment  charment. 

ETHEL.  (Sitting  on  sofa  R.)  How's  he  going  to 
do  that,  I  should  like  to  know. 

MURIEL.  (R.  of  c.)  He  doesn't  know — but  he 
says  he  can  knock  it  into  our  stupid  little  heads 

ELISE.  What!  Knock I  don't  like  the 

sound  of  that  at  all. 

SALLY.  (L.  of  M  URIEL  J  I  think  that's  simply  in 
sulting — what's  an  old  feller  like  that  know  about 
being  charming? 

ELISE.  Girls,  I  think  we  will  teach  that  old  man 
a  lesson. 

ETHEL.  ("MADGE  R.  of  ELISE,)  But  what  shall 
we  do,  Elise? 

ELISE.  (Crossing  R.C.)  Let's  see!  What  can 
we  do.  (Very  determined.)  We'll  strike. 

GIRLS.     Yes,  yes.    Strike! 

ALIX.     What  is  strike? 

ELISE.  (L.C.)  Every  member  of  the  senior  class 
will  simply  return  to  her  home. 

SALLY.  That's  all  very  well — but  our  parents 
would  send  us  right  straight  back  again. 

ELISE.  (To  SALLY — MURIEL  to  sofa  R.  MADGE 
A.D.Rj  No,  they  wouldn't,  Sally  Boyd,  not  when 
we  told  them  a  horrid,  cross  old  man  was  trying  to 
teach  us  charm.  My  uncle  wouldn't  stand  that  for  a 
minute. 

MURIEL.     I  think  we'd  better  put  it  to  a  vote. 

ELISE.     That's  a  good  idea.    ( x.  to  L.  of  D.S .) 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  63 

GIRLS.  (Ad  lib.)  Yes,  yes,  etc.  (GIRLS  very 
noisy — ad  lib.) 

( MURIEL  and  ETHEL  draw  the  piano  bench  forward 
to  c. — then  sit  on  it.  MURIEL  on  F.  end.  LIL 
LIAN  is  sitting  on  sofa  L.  ALIX  sits  on  lower 
end  of  sofa  R.  MADGE  sits  upper  end  of  sofa 
R.  SALLY  sits  tip  end  of  sofa  L.  ) 

SALLY.  (Kicking  LILLIAN  off  sofa  L.)  Off  my 
sofa,  woman — oft"  my  sofa. 

("LILLIAN  sits  on  bench.     ELISE  seats  herself  with 
dignity  and  raps  with  paper  knife,  on  desk  L.) 

ELISE.     Order — order— order 

SALLY.  (Lounging  on  sofa  Lj  Oh!  Shush 
yourself 

ELISE.  (To  SALLY J  I  won't  shush.  You  shush 
when  I  tell  you  to  shush.  Now  shush.  Sally,  take 
your  feet  off  the  sofa,  and  read  the  minutes  of  the 
last  meeting. 

SALLY.  (Coming  to  life)  Oh,  I'm  awfully  sorry, 
Elise,  I  lost  'em. 

ELISE.     You  lost  the  class  records? 

SALLY.     Yep. 

ELISE.     Sally,  what  did  you  do  with  them  ? 

SALLY.  Well,  I  think  I  cleaned  my  shoes  with 
them,  but  I'm  not  sure.  Now,  Elise,  we  didn't  do 
anything  at  the  last  meeting  that  amounted  to  much 
anyway.  I  move 

ELISE.  (Interrupting)  Kindly  rise  when  you 
address  the  chair,  Miss  Boyd. 

SALLY.  (Rising  reluctantly)  I  move  that — we 
dispense  with  the  reading  of  the  minutes.  (Sits 
again.) 

MURIEL.     (Rises)    Second  the  motion. 


64  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

GIRLS.     (To  MURIEL,)    Sit  down!    ( 
ELISE.     You    have    heard    the    motion — all    in 
favor 


SALLY.     Let's- 


GIRLS.     (Ad  lib.)    Aye. 

ELISE.  Contrary.  It  is  carried.  Treasurer's  re 
port? 

GIRLS.  (To  MURIELJ  You're  the  treasurer — get 
up — etc. 

MURIEL.     (Rises)    I'm  not  the  treasurer. 

("LILLIAN  slides  down  to  F.  end  of  bench  as  MURIEL 
rises.) 

SALLY.     Sure  you  are,  Muriel. 

MURIEL.  Oh,  am  I?  (Steps  forward  L.c.J 
Well,  we  haven't  any  money. 

ELISE.     Absolutely  none,  Muriel? 

MURIEL.     Where  would  we  get  any  from  ? 

ELISE.  Very  well.  If  there  is  no  objection  I  will 
accept  the  treasurer's  report  as  read.  (  MURIEL  goes 
to  upper  end  of  bench)  Now  the  object  of  this 

meeting? — Oh,  I  forgot (Officially)  Is  there 

any  unfinished  business  to  come  before  the  meet 
ing? 

ETHEL.  (Sitting  u.  end  of  bench)  I  don't  even 
know  what  that  is. 

( ELISE  raps  on  desk  for  order,  then  raps  SALLY  on 
head  for  laughing.) 

ELISE.  If  not  we  will  take  up  the  question  for 
which  the  meeting  was  called.  Girls,  shall  we  all 
go  home  ? 

GIRLS.     (Ad  lib.)    Oh,  yes,  sure.    Yes— yes,  etc. 

SALLY.     Yes-s-s. 

MURIEL.     (To  L.C.J     I  don't  mean  to  stay  here. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  65 

ELISE.  (Rapping  on  desk)  Oh,  girls,  do  be  more 
parliamentary.  You're  such  a  bad  example  to  the 
younger  class  meetings.  Will  someone  please  make 
a  motion? 

MURIEL.     (Crosses  F.  toward  R.)    I  move  we  go. 

ELISE.  Any  discussion?  f  MURIEL,  as  she  is 
crossing  R.,  gestures  —  "I'm  going  anyway!')  If  not, 
are  you  ready  -  (  SALLY  gets  up.)  Oh,  gee  ~?hiz- 
Sally,  are  you  going  to  make  a  speech? 

SALLY.     Yes,  I  am. 

("LILLIAN  swings  around  on  the  bench,  facing  R. 
GIRLS  ad  lib.) 

ETHEL.     Oh,  Elise,  don't  let  Sally  make  a  speech. 
ELISE.     She  has  a  perfect  right  to  if  she  wants 
to.    What  is  it,  Miss  Boyd? 

('SALLY  bows  to  ELISE  —  clenches  her  hands,  makes 
grimace  at  ETHEL.  ELISE  raps  on  desk.  SALLY 
stands  L.C.  —  gestures  —  spread-eagle  style.) 

SALLY.  Well,  I  think  this,  that  we  must  really 
stick  together  —  not  back  down,  you  know.  If  we 
decide  to  leave  —  and,  of  course,  that's  what  we're  go 
ing  to  decide  —  we  must  stick  to  it  whatever  hap 
pens.  We  musJ  make  our  parents  and  teachers  and 
this  old  ff'Jow  r-vho's  coming,  feel  that  our  decision 
is  ir-re-ztfxr-able 

MURIEL,     f  Stands  F.  of  desk  R.)    Hear,  hear,  ir- 


SALLY.  We  are  like  that  man  in  American  His 
tory  who  said:  "We  must  all  hang  together  or  we 
shall  all  hang  separately." 

MURIEL,     (R.C.)     Question. 

GIRLS.     Question  —  question  ! 

ELISE.     Ready   for  the  question?     It   has  been 


66  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

moved  and  seconded — was  it  seconded? — oh,  yes,— 
that  we  all  leave  this  afternoon — all  those  in  fa 

GIRLS.     (Ad  lib.)    Aye — aye 

SALLY.  Oh,  you'd  better  put  that  in  about  it's 
being  ir-re-^oc-able. 

ELISE.  Oh,  yes,  and  that  our  decision  in  the  mat 
ter  is  ir-re-z/oc-able. 

(Miss  HAYS  enters,  D.U.L.C,  with  a  gesture  of  irri 
tation,  on  seeing  the  GIRLS. ) 

Miss  HAYS.  (Comes  down  R.  of  SALLY,?  What 
is  this?  A  senior  meeting? 

(The  GIRLS  all  rise  as  they  see  Miss  HAYS,  LILLIAN 
R.C. — MADGE  at  sofa  R. — MURIEL  F.  of  desk  R. 
— ALIX  F.  of  sofa  R.) 

ETHEL.  (R.  of  Miss  HAYS,)  When  did  you  get 
back,  Miss  Hays? 

Miss  HAYS.  (Taking  a  very  large  comb  out  of 
ETHEL'S  hair,  takes  it  off  stage  when  she  goes)  Oh, 
Ethel,  Ethel ("ETHEL  attempts  to  recover  it.) 

ELISE.  (F.  of  D.L. — with  dignity)  Miss  Hays, 
we  have  just  reached  an  important  decision. 

SALLY.     Yes,  Miss  Hays,  and  it's  ir-re-voc-able. 

Miss  HAYS.  Oh,  Sally,  Sally — that  word  is  pro 
nounced  irrevocable.  (Crosses  to  sofa  L. — SALLY 
L.  of  c.) 

ELISE.  We  shouldn't  have  reached  it,  Miss  Hays, 
if  you  had  been  left  in  charge,  but  we  understand 
that  Mr.  Bevans  has  arrived 

SALLY.  (To  R.  of  Miss  HAYS,)  And  that  he's 
going  to  teach  us  to  be  charming. 

Miss  HAYS.     How  did  you  hear  that  r 

SALLY.  (Pompously)  As  the  say  is:  "111  news 
travels  fast." 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  67 

Miss  HAYS.     (Pleased)    And  you  girls  don't  ap 
prove  of  that  method  of  education? 
OMNES.     Certainly  not! 

('ETHEL  kneels  on  upper  end  of  bench.) 

ELISE.  No,  indeed,  Miss  Hays.  We  mean  to 
strike — we  mean  to  go  home. 

Miss  HAYS.  (As  usual,  calm)  To  go  home! 
Well,  girls,  I  think  you  had  better  tell  that  to  Mr. 
Bevans  himself.  (The  OTHERS  rather  shrink  at 
this,  but  ELISE  is  undaunted.) 

C SALLY — LILLIAN — ETHEL   join    the   other  girls — 
they  group  at  and  below  sofa  R.) 

ELISE.     (F.  of  sofa  L.J    I  ask  nothing  better. 

(The  GIRLS  talk  it  over,  do  not  see  AUSTIN  at  fir  si 
as  he  enters.  "I'll  tell  him,"  etc.  Miss  HAYS 
goes  toward  door,  U.L.C.,  and  calls  to  MR.  BEV- 

ANS.J 

Miss  HAYS.  Will  you  come  here  a  moment, 
please?  ("AUSTIN  enters.  Miss  HAYS  is  between 
him  and  the  GIRLS.  AUSTIN  is  followed  by  Miss 
CURTIS.  She  now  plainly  worships  him.  She  goes 
to  L.  of  desk  L.  Miss  HAYS  R.  of  post  L.C.J 
Mr.  Bevans,  you  said  just  now  that  if  any  little 

Troblem  arose  in  the  school 

(PHONE.) 

AUSTIN.  (F.  of  post  L.C.  Very  bland)  Yes,  I 
remember. 

(ELISE  turns  to  AUSTIN .) 

Miss  HAYS.  A  little  problem  has  arisen.  In 
fact,  the  senior  class  has  decided  to  go  home  in  a 
body. 


68  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

AUSTIN.     Why  ? 

Miss  HAYS.  They  will  tell  you  themselves. 
Girls? 

GIRLS.     (Turning  to  her)    Yes,  Miss  Hays. 
Miss  HAYS.     This  is  Mr.  Bevans! 

( The  GIRLS  give  various  cries,) 

SALLY.     Ye  Gods! 

ALIX.     (F.  of  sofa  R. )    Oh,  la,  la ! 

(OTHERS  ad  lib,  except  ELISE,  who  throughout  the 
scene  stands  silently  devouring  AUSTIN  with  her 
eyes.  AUSTIN  has  a  moment  of  weakness.) 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  Miss  HAYS,)  Oh,  don't  you 
think  for  the  present,  Miss  Hays,  it  would  be  better 
if  you  dealt  with  this  sort  of  thing? 

Miss  HAYS,  (c.4)  No,  indeed.  This  is  essen 
tially  a  problem  for  the  head  of  the  school.  It  is 
not  easy  to  be  the  head  of  a  school,  Mr.  Bevans. 
(She  moves  towards  the  staircase.) 

AUSTIN.  (Starts  toward  her)  But  you're  not 
going  to  leave  me,  are  you? 

Miss  HAYS.  (L.  of  staircase)  I'm  sure  you  are 
quite  competent  to  deal  with  your  own  problems  your 
own  way.  (Phone.  She  goes  upstairs  smiling.) 

(ELISE  slowly  goes  to  AUSTIN'S  L.  entrance.  ETHEL 
comes  to  his  R. — simpering.  The  other  GIRLS 
move  up  R.C.  toward  him.  The  telephone  rings 
on  desk  L.  Miss  CURTIS  answers  it.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (In  'phone)  Who — oh — it's  for 
you,  Mr.  Bevans. 

AUSTIN.  (Looks  from  ETHEL  to  ELISE,  not  quite 
sure  of  himself.  While  the  GIRLS  all  watch  him  in- 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  69 

tently.  To  ELISE — recognises  her  as  the  girl  he  met 
yesterday)  How  do  you  do.  (Crosses  to  above  desk 
L. — takes  phone.  ELISE  goes  to  F.  of  post  L.cJ 

ELISE.  (Thinks  to  herself— not  spoken)  "That 
is  the  man  I  saw  yesterday."  (She  stands  silent, 
watches  his  every  move,  lips  parted — she  hardlv 
breathes.  The  GIRLS  hurry  to  positions  and  listen 
eagerly.) 

AUSTIN.  (At  phone — puts  his  hat  on,  corrects 
himself,  puts  hat  on  upper  end  of  desk  L.J  Oh, 
hullo ( ELISE  is  leaning  against  post  L.C.  MU 
RIEL  goes  to  piano.  ETHEL  goes  to  P.B. — sits.  SALLY 
stands  R.C.I.  ALIX  sits  on  sofa  R. — MADGE  stands 
F.  of  desk  R. — LILLIAN  stands  R.  of  MURIEL  at 
piano.)  Is  that  you,  George? — Where  are  you?  At 
the  station?  Good.  What's  the  matter  with  the 
school  bus  ?  Oh,  go  to  thunder.  Use  your  legs !  I 
say,  walk — yes,  walk.  (Listens  a  moment  in  phone, 
his  expression  changes  to  one  of  disapproval — shakes 
his  head,  at  phone.  He  hangs  up  receiver.)  My 
lawyer  and  my  accountant  will  be  here  at  once. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Standing  L.  of  desk  L. — below 
AUSTINJ  Oh.  isn't  that  a  comfort? 

SALLY.  (Turns  to  MADGE — sotto  voce)  More 
men ! 

AUSTIN.  (To  L.  of  desk — turns  to  the  GIRLS — 
picks  up  paper  knife)  Now,  young  ladies. 

GIRLS.     (Very  eagerly)     Yes,  sir. 

AUSTIN.  (Taps  on  desk  with  paper  knife,  "at 
tention")  What  was  it  you  wished  to  say?  You 
are  all  leaving,  is  that  it?  (Looks  at  MURIEL.  J 
Come  here 

ETHEL.  (Is  sitting  on  P.  bench — She  leans  for 
ward — "smitten  at  first  sight."  Simpers)  Me-e? 

AUSTIN.  (To  Miss  CURTIS )  What  do  I  call 
them? 

Miss  CURTIS.     /  call  them  by  their  first  names. 


70  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

AUSTIN.  (Finally  indicating  MURIEL — who  is 
standing  F.  of  piano)  What's  that  one's  name? 

Miss  CURTIS.     That  is  Muriel  Doughty. 

AUSTIN.  (Sitting  L.  of  desk  ~L.)  Come  "here, 
Muriel.  (MURIEL  goes  to  L.C. — SALLY  sits  P.B. 
ETHEL  turns,  facing  L.)  Muriel,  why  are  you  leav 
ing? 

MURIEL.  (R.  of  U.E.  of  sofa  Lj  Leaving! 
(Looks  at  GIRLS — undecided)  Oh — I  did  intend  to 
leave,  Mr.  Bevans — but  I've  decided  to  stay. 

AUSTIN.  (Very  serious)  Why  did  you  change 
your  mind? 

MURIEL.  (Opens  her  mouth  with  no  answer  com 
ing.  She  pulls  herself  together  and  becomes  very 
glib.)  Oh,  I  didn't  think  I  was  being  perfectly  truth 
ful  with  my  parents  in  not  letting  them  know  that  the 
school  wasn't  being  perfectly  well  managed — but  I 
didn't  think  of  my  duty  to  my  school — my  school  at 
which  I  have  been  so  long — and  which  has  taught  me 
all  I  know 

SALLY.  (Rises — to  MURIEL,)  Not  such  a  heap, 
after  all,  Muriel. 

AUSTIN.  (Rises — taps  on  desk.  To  SALLY,)  Just 
a  moment,  young  lady. 

( ALIX  goes  to  BV  stands  above  ETHEL — SALLY  sits — 
F.  end  of  P.B.    AUSTIN  sits  again.) 

MURIEL.  (To  SALLY,)  I  do  believe  in  being  loyal. 
(To  AUSTIN.)— And  so  I  have  decided  to  stay.  Loy 
alty  is  so  important. 

( AUSTIN  motions  her  away  by  a  wave  of  his  hand. 
MURIEL  goes  L.  of  LILLIAN  front  of  piano.) 

AUSTIN.  (Indicating  ALIX,)  And  this  young 
lady? 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  71 

Miss  CURTIS.     This  is  Alix. 

AUSTIN.  (To  ALixJ  Alix.  (ALIX  comes  to  U.R. 
of  sofa  L. — curtsies.  AUSTIN  starts  to  rise — but 
recovers  himself.)  You  are  leaving  us? 

ALIX.  (Unable  to  express  herself  in  English) 
Yes,  sir!  No,  sir!  I  did,  I  mean,  I  was,  I  had,  I 
mean — I 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Tapping  a  chair  zvith  pencil) 
Parlez  Frangais,  Alix. 

ALIX.  (In  very  rapid  French  gestures)  Enfin 
oui  monsieur  le  proffesseur,  il  est  vrai  javais  1'  in 
tention  de  quitter  1'e'cole  mais  apres  y  avoir  re'fle 
chi,  jai  change'  dj  avis.  Bien  zut. 

(AUSTIN  doesn't  understand  a  ivord.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  Of  course,  you  understand  French, 
Mr.  Bevans? 

AUSTIN.     Was  that  French? 

SALLY.  (Stepping  forward)  Sit  down,  Alix,  he 

doesn't  get  you ("AUSTIN  rises,  taps  on  desk. 

ALIX  sits  P.B.U.  end.)  Mr.  Bevans ! 

Miss  CURTIS.     This  is  Sally  Boyd. 

AUSTIN.     George  Boyd's  sister. 

SALLY.     How  do  you  do? 

AUSTIN.  (Freezes  her — sits)  How  do  you  do? 
— You  are  leaving  us,  Sally? 

SALLY.  ( Has  recovered  from  the  shock  of  seeing 
him)  Well,  Mr.  Bevans,  I  did  think  it  was  every 
one's  duty  to  keep  in  good  physical  health.  I  have 
been  brought  up  by  my  parents  to  believe  that. 

AUSTIN.  You  look  as  if  you  had  acted  on  your 
belief,  Sally. 

SALLY.  And  when  I  found  I  wasn't  getting 
enough  to  support  life  I  thought  it  was  my  duty  to 
go  home.  But  on  thinking  it  over (She  stops.) 

AUSTIN.     Yes,  on  thinking  it  over? 


72  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

SALLY.  (Pompously — gestures)  I  see,  Mr.  Bev- 
ans,  that  the  mind  is  more  important  than  the  body, 
and  that  if  my  mind  is  fed,  I  shall  be  quite  content 
here. 

AUSTIN.  Your  mind  needs  to  be  fed,  Sally- 
forcibly  fed — (Motions  her  away.) — meat.  (^ETHEL 
rises.  SALLY  goes  to  piano.  ELISE  looks  at  her  a 
moment,  then  indicates  ETHEL. )  And  this  young 
lady? 

Miss  CURTIS.     This  is  Ethel 

(As  ETHEL  rises  and  goes  to  L.C. — LILLIAN  sits  on 
P.B.     MURIEL  goes  to  sofa  R.) 

AUSTIN.     Ethel 

ETHEL.  (Simpering — and  ready  to  cry  for  ef 
fect — wringing  her  hands)  Oh,  I — I  thought  I 
couldn't  stay — I  loved  your  dear  aunt  so  much — that 

when — she  died (Kneels  on  sofa  and  gradually 

leans  toward  AUSTIN .)  But  now  I  see  that  the  best 
way  of  paying  tribute  to  her  dear  memory  is  to  stay 
on  and  do  the  best  I  can  for  the  school.  (As  she 
leans  forward,  AUSTIN  moves  his  hat,  so  she  will  not 
crush  it,  placing  it  on  lower  end  of  desk  L.J 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Affected)  Oh,  isn't  that  a  beau 
tiful  thought? 

AUSTIN.  (To  Miss  CURTISJ  There  is  great 
power  of  invention  in  the  senior  class,  Miss  Curtis. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Shocked)  I  know  you  don't 
mean  it,  but  I  fear  you  are  giving  the  girls  the  im 
pression  that  you  don't  quite  believe  what  they 

say (^ETHEL  rises,  goes  to  R.  of  ELISE.  Miss 

CURTIS  going  up  back  of  AUSTIN  to  L.  of  post  L.cJ 
Shall  I — shall  I  dismiss  them  to  their  study  now? 

AUSTIN.  (Rises)  No,  I  want  to  say  a  word  to 
them  first (Takes  off  his  coat,  lays  it  on  L.U.E. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  73 

of  sofa  L. — Looks  at  ELISE — goes  L.  of  desk  i^.) 

Young  ladies 

GIRLS.     (Very  quickly  and  eagerly)    Yes,  sir! 

(ELISE  is  at  post  L.C.  Miss  CURTIS  at  L.  of  post 
L.C. — ETHEL  between  ELISE  and  SALLY — SALLY 
A.P.B. — ALIX  sitting — P.B. — lower  end. — MU 
RIEL  R.P.B.  LILLIAN  sitting  P.B. — MADGE  R.C.I.R. 
— AUSTIN  stands  L.  of  desk  L.J 

AUSTIN.  (Taps  quickly  on  desk  "Attention."  As 
he  speaks  he  puts  his  thumbs  in  the  armholes  of  his 
vest)  Let  me  give  you  a  piece  of  advice  that  you 
will  find  very  useful  in  future  life.  When  you  want 
people  to  believe  anything  that  isn't  true,  don't  be 
too  terribly  sincere  about  it,  and  above  all  don't  be 
so  infernally  glib.  (Looks  down,  sees  zuhere  his 
hands  are  and  corrects  his  position.)  Everyone  of 
you  ought  to  take  a  course  in  listening  to  an  office- 
boy  trying  to  get  away  to  a  baseball  game.  There's 
a  look  of  almost  divine  innocence  that  comes  over 
his  face — it's  been  on  everyone  of  your  faces  for  the 
last  ten  minutes. 

MURIEL.  (Standing  R.C.L. — with  a  look  of  inno 
cence)  Mr.  Bevans,  I  hope  you  don't  mean  that 
you  don't  believe  us? 

AUSTIN.  Muriel,  thank  Heavens,  I  have  some 
common  sense,  and  I  know  quite  well  that  there  isn't 
a  word  of  truth — not  one — in  all  you  have  been  say 
ing. 

MURIEL.     Oh,  Mr.  Bevans! 

AUSTIN.  (Tapping  on  desk)  Muriel!  I  don't 
know  what  you  have  really  been  up  to — why  you 
wanted  to  go — or  why  you  mean  to  stay.  But  it's  all 
right.  You're  going  to  stay.  That  will  be  all,  Miss 
Curtis. 

( ETHEL   moves   toward   AUSTIN,   who   quickly  re- 


74  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

moves  hat  from  top  of  desk.     GIRLS  ad  lib, 
smother  "Oh!") 

Miss  CURTIS.  Come,  girls.  fMiss  CURTIS  sends 
them  out  door  R. — closing  the  door.  ELISE  does  not 
go  off  with  the  girls  but  holds  her  position  at  the 
post. — She  has  never  once  removed  her  eyes  from 
AUSTIN,  standing  as  though  in  a  trance.  AUSTIN 
takes  up  his  coat  and  hat — looks  at  ELISE,  turns  to 
ward  door  L. — Miss  CURTIS  re-enters — sees  that 
ELISE  is  watching  AUSTIN  closely.  Miss  CURTIS 
goes  to  ELISE,  touches  her  arm.)  Elise,  my  dear! 
^ELISE  starts  as  though  waking  up.  Miss  CURTIS 
motions  her  to  go  with  other  GIRLS.  ELISE  crosses 
quickly  to  door  R. — eyes  still  on  AUSTIN. )  Oh,  Mr. 

Bevans ("AUSTIN  replaces  the  hat  and  coat  on 

the  sofa  and  conies  down  L.C.  Miss  CURTIS  is  L. 
of  P.B.  ELISE,  as  soon  as  Miss  CURTIS'S  back  is 
turned,  slips  tip  the  stairs,  hides  out  of  sight  until 
Miss  CURTIS'S  exit.)  I'm  so  sorry  to  bother  you,  so 
soon,  but  would  you  mind  seeing  Sally  and  Muriel — 
they  are  so  distressed — poor  dears.  You  see,  they 
feel  you  don't  quite  believe  what  they  said,  and  they 
want  to  explain 

AUSTIN.     (R.  of  sofa  L.)    No,  Miss  Curtis. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (L.  of  P.  bench — Surprised)  No? 
But  they  only  want  to  explain. 

AUSTIN.  They're  great  little  explainers.  I  must 
make  it  a  point  never  to  see  the  girls  individually. 
All  such  matters  I  leave  to  you  and  Miss  Hays. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  how  right  you  are,  how  right 
you  are. — They  will  be  terribly  dis —  (As  she  turns 
to  go  R.  she  stumbles  over  the  piano  bench  in  her 
confusion,  crossing  F.  to  door  R.) — tressed — poor 
dears,  but  I'll  tell  them—  (She  goes  off,  shaking 
her  head,  murmuring  at  door  RV  turns  to  him.)  How 
right  you  are! 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  75 

f AUSTIN  goes  to  sofa  L. — picks  up  hat  and  coat,  goes 
toward  door  L.  Looks  after  Miss  CURTIS. 
"Rather  a  peculiar  person."  As  soon  as  Miss 
CURTIS  is  gone,  ELISE,  who  has  been  hiding 
upstairs,  comes  down.) 

ELISE.  (F.  of  post  L.cJ  Mr.  Bevans,  may  I 
speak  to  you  ? 

AUSTIN.  (Coming  back,  to  above  sofa)  No! 
(Turns  toward  door  Lj 

ELISE.  I  beg  your  pardon,  sir,  but  did  you  say, 
did  you  say,  No  ? 

AUSTIN.     Yes. 

ELISE.     Just  for  a  moment,  please? 

AUSTIN.  (Comes  to  above  desk  L.J  Anything 
you  have  to  say  to  me  can  be  said  to  Miss  Hays — or 
your  parents. 

ELISE.  (Goes  to  L.  of  post  L.cJ  But,  sir, — I 
haven't  any  parents.  I'm  an  orphan. 

AUSTIN.     (To  L.  of  post  L.cJ     So  am  I. 

ELISE.  Isn't  that  strange?  That  we  should  both 
be  orphans  ?  It's  terribly  lonely  sometimes,  being  an 
orphan,  isn't  it  ? 

AUSTIN.  (Lays  coat  and  hat  on  sofa — goes  to  L. 
of  desk)  What  was  it  you  wished  to  speak  to  me 
about,  Miss  Benedotti? 

ELISE.  (Hurt)  Oh!  Mr.  Bevans.  (Kneels  on 
sofa  L.) 

AUSTIN.     What's  the  matter? 

ELISE.  You  called  Ethel  and  Muriel  and  Sally  by 
their  first  names. 

AUSTIN.  (With  his  hand  on  the  desk,  leans 
slightly  forward.  Convicted  of  making  a  difference) 
Yes,  I  know — but  I  seem  to  have  forgotten  what 
your  first  name  is. 

ELISE.  (Kneeling  on  sofa  L.,  leans  forward) 
Elise. 


76  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

AUSTIN.    Oh 

ELISE.     Won't  you  please  say  it  for  me? 

AUSTIN.     (Softly)     Elise. 

ELISE.  Oh,  thank  you,  sir.  Isn't  it  a  pretty 
name?  I  never  knew  how  nice  it  was  before. 

AUSTIN.  (Severely;  sits)  Elise,  what  was  it  you 
wished  to  speak  to  me  about  ? 

ELISE.  (As  she  is  about  to  sit  on  upper  arm  of 
the  sofa,  she  feels  AUSTIN'S  hat  under  her.  She 
takes  it  up  and  holds  it  in  her  arms  while  she  speaks f 
sitting  on  arm)  Oh ! 

AUSTIN.     I  should  have  worn  a  cap. 

ELISE.  I'm  so  sorry Oh !  This.  The  rea 
son  I  changed  my  mind  about  staying  at  school. 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  desk)  You  had  made  up  your 
mind  to  go,  too? 

ELISE.     Yes — but  I  changed  it 

AUSTIN.  Because  you  thought  it  more  loyal,  or 
because  you  found  the  mind  was  more  important 
than  the  body — or  because  you  wished  to  pay  a  trib 
ute  to  my  dear  aunt's  memory. 

ELISE.  (Solemnly)  No,  sir — because  you're 
here. 

AUSTIN.  (Trying  to  be  a  schoolmaster)  My 
dear  child,  you  must  learn  not  to  be  quite  so  per 
sonal  in  your  judgments.  This  school  is  a  good 
school  whether  I'm  here  or  not. 

ELISE.  Yes,  I  know,  sir,  but  I  only  wanted  to 
stay  after  you  came. 

AUSTIN.  Well,  it  wasn't  necessary  for  you  to 
come  here  and  tell  me  that. 

ELISE.  Oh,  yes,  it  was — I  didn't  want  you  to 
think  I  was  making  up  stories  like  Muriel  and  Sally 
— I  wanted  to  tell  you  the  truth.  ( Miss  CURTIS  en 
ters  door  R.  in  time  to  hear  the  last  words,  carrying 
three  composition  books.)  You  mustn't  scold  me  for 
that. 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  77 

CURTIS  goes  to  R.  of  desk  R.,  lays  books  down 
there  which  she  has  brought  in.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  Scold  you!  (Crossing  to  ELISE, 
places  her  arm  about  her.)  Why,  Mr.  Bevans,  this 
is  Elise  Benedotti,  one  of  our  dearest  girls.  I'm 
sure  there's  nothing  you  need  scold  her  for  unless 
perhaps  it  is  her  hand 

AUSTIN.     Her  hand — what's  the  matter  with  it? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Her  handwriting,  I  mean.  It  is 
not  always  legible,  so  her  writing  teacher  reports. 
And  her  punctuation  and  spelling  are  not  all  they 
ought  to  be. 

AUSTIN.  I'm  sorry  to  hear  it.  I  want  every  one 
of  my  girls  to  write  a  legible,  correct  note.  I  tell 

you  what  you  do ^ELISE  hurries  to  sofa  L., 

kneels.)  You  write  a  note  to  Miss  Curtis,  every  day 
from  now  till  the  end  of  the  term  and  she'll  correct 
it  and  return  it  to  you. 

Miss  CURTIS.  fR.  of  ELISE,  horrified)  Oh,  no, 
not  to  me,  please,  Mr.  Bevans.  You  see,  I'm  only 
the  school  secretary,  and  I'm  not  very  accurate  my 
self. 

ELISE.  (L.  of  P.B.J  Oh,  no,  I  wrote  a  note  once 
to  Miss  Curtis,  and  I  spelt  hope,  h-o-p,  and  she 
never  noticed  it.  Did  you,  Miss  Curtis? 

Miss  CURTIS.     (Laughs,  confused)     No-o! 

AUSTIN.  She  was  too  kind-hearted  to  mention  it 

probably ("Miss  CURTIS — happy  that  AUSTIN 

speaks  so  nicely  of  her — smiles,  self-consciously, 
plates  her  hand  to  her  face.  "She  must  be  blush 
ing"  and  crosses — bench  bus. — F.  to  R.  of  desk  R. — 
sits.)  Write  to  Miss  Hays,  then.  (Goes  above  desk 
to  pick  up  hat  and  coat.) 

ELISE.  (Goes  to  him)  Mr.  Bevans,  you — you 
wouldn't  be  too  kind-hearted,  would  you,  sir? 

AUSTIN.     I  ? 


78  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

ELISE.  (E.  of  post)  I  mean  if  I  wrote  those  notes 
to  you — instead  of  Miss  Hays — you  would  be  much 
severer  than  Miss  Hays,  and  I'm  sure  I  should 
learn  a  great  deal  more  if  I  wrote  them  to  you. 

AUSTIN.     To  me? 

ELISE.     Would  it  be  too  much  bother? 

AUSTIN.  It  wouldn't  be  any  bother  at  all.  (Cor 
recting  himself.)  I  mean — I'm  thinking  what  would 
do  you  most  good. 

ELISE.  (L.  of  post)  It  would  do  me  most  good 
to  write  to  you. 

AUSTIN.     Write  to  me,  then. 

ELISE.     Oh,  thank  you,  sir. 

AUSTIN.  (Takes  up  his  coat  and  hat,  after  a 
pause  in  a  more  severe  manner)  And  I  will  correct 
your  notes  and  return  them  to  you.  (Turns  toward 
door  L.) 

ELISE.  (Moving  toward  R.c.J  Oh,  thank  you, 
sir,  thank  you,  so  much.  (Comes  back.)  Oh,  Mr. 
Bevans,  but  what  shall  I  write  about  ? 

AUSTIN.  (Turns,  comes  to  L.  of  post)  Anything 
you're  thinking  about. 

ELISE.     (F.  of  post  L.cJ    Or  any  person? 

AUSTIN.     (L.  of  ELISE)     Or  any  person. 

ELISE.  (F.  of  post)  Even  if  it  were  always — 
the — same — person  ? 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Busy  working  on  her  books) 
Why,  Elise,  you  wouldn't  always  be  thinking  about 
the  same  person,  would  you  ? 

ELISE.     Oh,  yes,  I  would. 

(As  they  stand  looking  at  each  other,  Miss  HAYS 
enters — down  the  stairs  R.) 

Miss  HAYS.  (Coming  to  c.)  Well,  Mr.  Bevans, 
have  you  solved  your  little  problem? 

AUSTIN.     (Who    has    forgotten    all    about    it) 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  7^ 

What?     Oh (Lays  coat  and  hat  on  U.E.   of 

sofa — comes  down  to  L.  of  desk.)  The  senior  strike? 
Oh,  yes,  there  was  nothing  to  that. 

(Miss  HAYS  looks  disappointed,  catches  ELISE'S  eye. 
Motions  her  to  go  upstairs.  ELISE,  guilty — 
caught  talking  to  MR.  BEVANS,  catches  AUS 
TIN'S  eye — crosses  A. — Exit  R.u. — the  stairs — 
Miss  HAYS  watches  her  off.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Rises — goes  to  R.  of  P.E.)  Oh, 
Eleanor,  I  wish  you  could  have  heard  Mr.  Bevans. 
The  moment  he  spoke  to  the  girls  they  realized  how 
wrong  they  were.  Even  Muriel  felt  she  had  been 
disloyal  to  the  school.  She  spoke  so  beautifully,  with 
tears  in  her  voice. 

Miss  HAYS.  (L.  of  P.B.  Disgusted)  You  mean, 
they  all  backed  down? 

Miss  CURTIS.  At  once — oh,  they  were  a  little 
afraid  of  Mr.  Bevans — say  what  you  will. 

AUSTIN.  (Crossing  slowly  to  L.  of  bench)  I 
understand  you're  not  much  of  a  believer  in  men, 
Miss  Hays. 

Miss  HAYS.  (L.  of  P.  bench)  I'm  not  a  blind 
admirer  of  your  sex,  Mr.  Bevans. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (R.  of  P.  bench)  But  I  do  think 
that  girls  will  listen  to  a  man  sometimes  when  they 
wouldn't  listen  to  another  woman. 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  Miss  HAYS,)  Exactly.  Those 
are  the  very  ideas  on  which  our  new  plans  were 
founded. 

Miss  HAYS.  Our  plans?  Your  plans,  Mr.  Bev 
ans. 

AUSTIN.  Do  you  mean  that  you  are  not  in  sym 
pathy  with  my  ideas  of  education? 

Miss  HAYS.  The  idea  that  girls  should  be  taught 
to  be  charming?  Certainly  not.  (Crossing  to  R. 


80  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

of  desk  R.  Miss  CURTIS  goes  to  F.  of  piano.)  They 
think  too  much  about  it  already.  In  fact,  Mr.  Bev- 
ans,  I  may  as  well  be  quite  frank  with  you,  I  don't 
approve  of  your  presence  here  at  all. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  Eleanor — (L.  of  post  Rj— 
Please  don't  say  that. 

Miss  HAYS.  (R.  of  desk  R.J  I  believe  it  will 
ruin  the  school,  and  if  you  will  take  that  statement 
as  my  resignation,  why 

AUSTIN.  No,  I  won't.  (Crossing  to  R.c.J  I 
don't  want  you  to  resign.  Mr.  Johns  and  I  are 
fully  agreed  that  you  should  remain — as  second  in 
command. 

Miss  HAYS.  Mr.  Johns?  Was  this  all  Mr. 
Johns'  plan  ? 

AUSTIN.  (Trying  to  be  flattering)  Mr.  Johns 
thinks  very  highly  of  you,  Miss  Hays. 

Miss  HAYS.     (Looks  at  him)    Really? 

AUSTIN.     As  an  educator. 

Miss  HAYS.     Oh,  does  he,  indeed? 

JOHNS.  (Voice  heard  outside  door  L. — he  en 
ters,  shouting,  comes  down  L.  of  P.B.  Miss  CURTIS 
starts  to  post  R.c.J  Well — how  much  longer  am  I 
to  be  kept  kicking  my  heels  in  there?  Come  on, 
Bevans — ( AUSTIN  crosses  A. — picks  up  his  coat  and 
hat — puts  on  the  coat — goes  down  L.  of  desk  L.  to  F.) 
—I  want  to  be  getting  back  to  town.  (He  suddenly 
thinks  he'll  try  it  once  more  with  Miss  HAYS.J  Oh, 
Miss  Hays,  before  I  go,  could  I  have  just  a  word 
with  you  about  the  general  policy  of  the  school? 

Miss  HAYS.  (R.  of  desk  R.)  I  have  nothing  to 
do  with  the  general  policy  of  the  school,  Mr.  Johns, 
I  am  only  second  in  command. 

JOHNS.  (Crossing  to  sofa  Rj  If  you  would  just 
let  me  say  a  word  to  you  in  private 

("Miss  CURTIS  starts  upstairs.) 


^m 


THE   CHARM    SCHOOL  81 

Miss  HAYS.  Theodosia!  Don't  go ('Miss 

CURTIS  stops.  To  JOHNS,  sarcastically  indicating 
AUSTIN.^  Say  it  to  the  gentleman  you  have  se 
lected  for  the  head  of  this  school. 

JOHNS.     But  that's  just  it,  you  don't  understand ! 

fMiss  HAYS  turns  from  him.    Enter  GEORGE  D.U.L.C. 
— wearing  an  overcoat — JOHNS  turns  up  R.c.) 

GEORGE.  (Comes  down  R.  of  AUSTIN — L.cJ 
Austin,  have  you  known  how  far  it  is  from  here  to 
the  station  ? 

AUSTIN.  Miss  Hays,  this  is  my  head  bookkeeper, 
Mr.  Boyd,  and  Miss  Curtis. 

fEusE  enters — down  the  stairs  R.     Crosses  above 
JOHNS  to  his  L.) 

GEORGE.     (Bowing  to  them)     How  do  you  do? 
fMiss  CURTIS  comes  down  R.C.,  bows  to  him.) 

Miss  HAYS.     How  do  you  do? 
Miss  CURTIS.     (Tunis  to  Miss  HAYS,)    A  book 
keeper  ! 

f  DAVID  enters  D.U.L.C. — wearing  overcoat.     GEORGE 
sees  ELISE  and  hurries  to  her,  shakes  hands.) 

DAVID.  (Coming  down  R.  of  AUSTIN,  turns  down 
trousers)  If  I  had  known  I  had  to  climb  a  hillside 
I  wouldn't  have  worn  my  Sunday  clothes !  (Fives 
trousers.) 

AUSTIN.  (F.  of  sofa  L.)  My  lawyer,  Mr.  Mac- 
Kensie,  Miss  Hays,  Miss  Curtis.  (Turns,  going 
F.  of  desk  L.) 

DAVID.     (Bowing  to   them)     How   do  you   do? 


82  THE   CHARM    SCHOOL 

('Miss  CURTIS  bows  to  him,  goes  above  desk  R.> 

Miss  HAYS.     How  do  you  do  ? 

( DAVID  goes  to  JOHNS  and  ELISE  up  R.  of  c. — 
Shakes  hands  with  JOHNS.J 

AUSTIN.  (Turning,  sees  GEORGE  and  ELISE  to 
gether)  George,  George!  I  wish  you  would  go 
over  the  books  and  draw  off  a  trial  balance! 
("TWINS  enter  D.U.L.C. — wearing  overcoats — JIM  R. 
of  TIM.  GEORGE  crosses  A.  to  L.  of  desk  L.  Sits. 
To  TWINS J  Who  told  you  to  come? 

JIM.  (Comes  down  L.c.)  Oh,  Austin!  Haven't 
you  got  a  job  for  us? 

TIM.  (Comes  to  above  sofa  L.)  We  don't  want 
to  go  back  to  Poughkeepsie ! 

(At  this  moment  there  is  a  repetition  of  the  racket 
made  by  the  furnace  man.  SALLY  rushes  on — 
down  the  stairs — followed  by  LILLIAN,  ALIX, 
MADGE,  appearing  at  door  Rj 

SALLY.  Miss  Hays,  Miss  Hays.  (TwiNS  turn, 
see  SALLY — smile.)  The  furnace  man  has  come  to 
and  he's  chasing  the  cook  all  over  the  laundry  with  a 
pitchfork ! 

AUSTIN,  (F.  of  desk  L.)  There  you  are,  Twins ! 
( SALLY  turns,  sees  TWINS,  smiles  and  goes  slowly  to 
ward  them.'}  Go  and  rescue  the  cook!  (They  do 
not  hear  him.)  Twins!  (They  turn  to  him.)  The 
cook!  (They  turn  reluctantly  from  SALLY,  go  to 
ward  door  U.L.C. — still  looking  at  her — TIM  slowly 
exits — JIM  stays  at  L.  of  post  L.C. — watching  SALLY. 
AUSTIN  follows  them  up  L.cJ 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  83 

Miss  CURTIS.     (Above  desk  R.)     Oh,  Eleanor, 
isn't  it  a  comfort  to  have  a  man  in  the  house? 

( AUSTIN  turns  to  Miss  CURTIS,  sees  ELISE  stand 
ing  in  front  of  him  and  above  bench.) 


CURTAIN 


ACT  II 

SCENE  II :     Same  as  Scene  One.    Two  weeks  later. 
The  BOYS  are  in  AUSTIN'S  office  waiting  for 
him.    There  is  a  gardenia  on  his  desk. 

TIM  at  piano  playing  softly,  GEORGE  looks  at 
watch,  then  at  door  L .) 

DAVID.  (Sitting  on  sofa  R.  Rises,  goes  to  L.  of 
post  L.CV  glancing  at  watch)  I  wonder  what's  keep 
ing  Austin? 

GEORGE.  (Sitting  sofa  L.)  I  have  a  class  in  ten 
minutes.  (Takes  out  a  cigarette  case.) 

DAVID.  (Coming  to  c.2)  George,  no  smoking  in 
study  hours.  ^GEORGE  puts  it  back.)  I've  a  lot  of 
work  on  that  history  course  of  mine.  (~R.  of  desk 
R. — sits.) 

GEORGE.  History  course!  I  thought  you  had 
given  it  up. 

JIM.  (Leaning  against  R.  of  piano)  He  give  it 
up?  Not  much!  It's  the  girls  who  are  giving  it 
up. 

DAVID.  The  poor  creatures  are  not  accustomed 
to  working  their  minds.  They  send  a  delegation  to 
Austin  every  day  to  ask  to  be  allowed  to  drop  it. 
(Goes  to  desk  R.J 

JIM.  That's  funny,  my  dancing  class  is  simply 
crowded.  ( DAVID  sits  chair  Rj  It's  the  personality 
of  the  instructor  that  really  counts,  David. 

DAVID.     You  go  to  blazes 

JIM.     David!    David! 

DAVID.  Well,  that's  not  language  for  a  professor, 
84 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  85 

but  the  reason  your  class  is  more  popular  than  mine 
is  that  girls  would  rather  use  their  feet  than  their 
heads. 

TIM.  (Boastfully — Crossing  to  desk  R.)  Well, 
look  at  my  special  lectures — one  hundred  per  cent 
attendance  and  last  week  when  Tappe  was  lecturing 
on  the  philosophy  of  head  gear  there  wasn't  an  empty 
seat 

DAVID.     Aye — but  many  empty  heads. 

(MURIEL  and  ETHEL  enter,  coming  downstairs  R., 
each  carrying  her  history  paper.) 

MURIEL.     Good  morning,  Professor. 

DAVID.     Good  morning,  young  ladies. 

MURIEL.     (To  BOYS,)    Good  morning. 

BOYS.     Good  morning. 

GEORGE.  Good  morning (DAVID  taps  on 

desk.) 

MURIEL.     My  history  paper,  Professor. 

DAVID.     (Taking  paper)    Thank  you. 

MURIEL.  You're  quite  welcome.  (Goes  up  and  to 
door  R. — TIM  opens  door — she  exits.)  Thank  you, 
Professor. 


Professor. 

ETHEL.     Good  morning,  Professor. 

DAVID.     Good  morning 

ETHEL.     (To  BOYSJ    Good  morning. 

BOYS.     Good  morning. 

GEORGE.  Good  morning.  (ETHEL  hands  paper 
to  DAVIDJ 

DAVID.     Thank  you. 

ETHEL.  It's  a  pleasure.  (Goes  to  door  R.  TIM 
opens  door  for  her.  She  exits  giggling.) 

TIM.     Did  you  ever  see  girls  so  improved? 

DAVID.     Improved  !    Oh,  my  word. 

GEORGE.     All,  except  poor  old  Sally. 

TIM.     Oh,  it  would  be  a  pity  to  change  Sally. 


86  THE   CHARM    SCHOOL 

GEORGE.     Pity,  why  you  couldn't  do  it. 

TIM.     What? 

GEORGE.  (Rises)  Oh,  well,  Sally's  all  right,  but 
she  isn't  much  on  looks 

TWINS.  Not  much  on  looks !  (]IM  crosses  to  sofa 
L. — TIM  sits  at  piano.)  Why,  you  poor  fish — 

GEORGE.  You  don't  think  her  good-looking,  do 
you? 

TWINS.     I  certainly  do.    (JiM  sits  sofa  ~L.) 

GEORGE.  Well,  let  me  tell  you,  she's  no  heiress, 
but  speaking  of  improvement,  have  you  noticed  Miss 
Curtis  ? 

TIM.  Did  you  ever  see  anything  as  alluring  as 

Miss  Curtis?  Why,  she  has  a  new  dress  on 

("GEORGE  whistles,  "Look  Out,  She's  Coming!') 

( Miss  CURTIS  enters  D.U.L.C. — she  is  very  tastefully 
dressed  and  her  hair  is  quite  beautifully  done. 
She  has  a  bunch  of  flowers  in  her  hand,) 

Miss  CURTIS.     Good  morning,  Professors. 

OMNES.  Good  morning,  Miss  Curtis — etc.  (JiM 
rises,  goes  to  sofa  L.  DAVID  half  rises,  tries  to  look 
at  her  around  GEORGE,  who  is  standing  in  between 
them.  Miss  CURTIS  also  tries  to  look  at  DAVIDJ 

DAVID.     Good  morning,  Miss  Curtis. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Good  morning.  (  GEORGE  looks  at 
DAVID,  then  moves  up  c.  Comes  down  L.  of  desk  L. 
— looks  with  disfavor  at  the  gardenia.)  Does  this 
gardenia  belong  to  any  of  you  gentlemen?  ("BoYS 
shake  their  heads.  Takes  it  out  of  its  bowl — Crosses 
A. — and  lays  it  on  upper  end  of  piano — TIM  picks  it 
up,  shows  it  to  GEORGE  and  places  it  on  lower  end  of 
piano — JIM  goes  up  toward  D.U.L.C  J  It  has  such  a 
heavy,  disagreeable  perfume,  I  always  think.  I'm 
sure  Mr.  Bevans  can't  like  it. 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  87 

GEORGE.  (Insinuatingly)  I  notice  it's  there  every 
morning. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Crossing  A.  to  L.  of  desk  L.)  Yes, 
I  always  take  it  away — it  must  give  him  a  head 
ache.  fJiM  to  R.  of  post  L.c.J 

GEORGE.     He  always  brings  it  back. 

Miss  CURTIS.     (Sighing)    Yes,  I  believe  he  does. 

GEORGE.  (Rises — more  pointedly)  I  wonder 
where  it  comes  from.  (Goes  above  piano.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Tossing  her  head)  I  haven't  the 
least  idea.  Some  silly  girl,  I  suppose.  (Sits  L.  of 
desk — puts  her  own  flowers  in  the  bowl.  GEORGE 
looks  at  DAVID — "I  know" — goes  up  c.) 

DAVID.  (Half  rising,  looking  around  GEORGE  who 
is  c.)  Miss  Curtis,  could  you  tell  us  why  Mr.  Bev- 
ans  has  called  us  together  this  morning? 

Miss  CURTIS.  I  have  no  idea,  Professor  Mac- 
Kenzie — I'm  only  his  secretary,  you  know.  He'll  be 
here  immediately. 

JIM.  (Leaning  against  F.  of  post  L.C. )  I  bet  it's 
a  calldown  for  someone.  1  hope  it's  not  me,  this 
time. 

GEORGE.  (Looks  at  wrist  watch — going  to  sofa 
L.)  I  don't  think  he  has  any  right  to  keep  us  wait 
ing  like  this. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Pleadingly)  Ah,  Professor 
Boyd,  he  has  so  much  on  his  mind,  so  many  calls  on 
his  time  and  attention,  that  really  sometimes,  I  don't 
see  how  he  gets  through  the  day.  Do  you  know  he 
was  up  at  six  o'clock  this  morning,  taking  the  fur 
nace  man  to  the  priest  to  sign  the  pledge  not  to  beat 
his  wife  any  more — no  one  but  Mr.  Be  vans  could 
make  him  go.  And  then  there  were  five  parents 
here  insisting  on  seeing  him — parents  are  so  incon 
siderate,  I  always  think 

JIM.  (R.  of  post  L.C.)  You  certainly  said  some 
thing  that  time. 


88  THE   CHARM   SCHOOL 

Miss  CURTIS.  ( GEORGE  to  L.  of  piano.  Crossing 
to  A.  desk  with  pad  of  the  reports — places  one  on 
desk  R. — Crosses  DAVID)  And  then  the  decorators 
and  the  carpenters,  and  I  hope  you  won't  mind  my 
saying  so,  Professor  MacKenzie,  but  a  great  deal  of 
his  time  is  wasted  by  delegations  of  pupils  who  want 
to  drop  your  history  class. 

("AUSTIN   enters — door  L. — goes  to  L.  of  desk  Lj 

AUSTIN.  I'm  sorry  to  keep  you  waiting,  gentle 
men.  I  wanted  to  get  a  report  from  the  doctor. 
Miss  Hays  was  afraid  we  had  a  scarlet  fever  case, 
but  it  turned  out  to  be  nothing  but  indigestion. 
(Sits  L.  of  desk  L.J 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Stands  at  sofa  R. — Crosses  to 
sofa  L,.)  Oh,  wasn't  that  fortunate 

AUSTIN.    That  will  be  all,  Miss  Curtis. 

('Miss  CURTIS,,  "crushed"  crosses  and  exits  door  R 
TIM  goes  slowly  toward  R.U. — JIM  sits  at  piano  t 
slowly  hitting  the  same  low  key.  AUSTIN  sits 
down  at  desk,  but  his  eye  begins  roving  about, 
looking  for  gardenia.  He  sees  it  on  the  piano, 
he  crosses  FV  gets  the  gardenia — TIM  stops 
striking  the  key — The  BOYS  all  watch  AUSTIN 
as  he  returns  to  his  desk  L. — placing  the  gar 
denia  on  the  desk  (he  does  not  put  it  back  in 
the  bowl).  The  BOYS  exchange  knowing  glances 
except  DAVID.  GEORGE  makes  up  his  mind  to 
have  an  understanding  with  AUSTIN — starts  to 
ward  him.) 

GEORGE.     Say,  look  here 

DAVID.  (Rises  quickly — seeing  GEORGE'S  inten 
tion — Crosses  F.  to  above  desk  L.)  Austin.  They 
are  all  trying  to  drop  my  history  course.  Now,  it's 


THE   CHARM    SCHOOL  89 

a  splendid  course.  (Going  above  sofa  L.  TTM  goes 
doum  R.  of  R.  desk.) 

AUSTIN.  (Sitting  at  desk  L.j  It's  a  corker  Dave. 
I  mean,  it  is  an  excellent  course,  and  I  won't  let  one 
of  'em  drop  it.  (Rises.)  Gentlemen,  one  of  you 
has  been  taking  a  pupil  to  the  movies.  (They  all 
turn  to  him.) 

JIM  and  TIM.  fJiM  comes  down  to  c.2 — TIM 
goes  to  F.  of  sofa  R. )  I  can  explain  it,  Austin.  (To 
each  other — TIM  goes  R.  of  JIM.)  What,  did  you 
take  a  girl  to  the  movies? 

AUSTIN.     Explain  it,  then. 

JIM.  (JL.  of  TIM;  Well— I  feel  that  the  movies 
are  one  of  the  great  modern  methods  of  education, 
and  when  I  found  one  of  my  pupils  had  never  been 
to  the  movies — I 

GEORGE.  (Laughing — at  R.  of  post  L.c.j  Oh,  go 
on,  where  would  you  find  a  girl  nowadays  that  hadn't 
been  to  the  movies  ? 

AUSTIN.     (Reproving)     George 

JIM.     I  thought  it  was  my  duty  to  have  her  go — • — 

TIM.  (Crossing  to  sofa  L.)  I  didn't  think  a 
clever  girl  like  Sally  ought  to  grow  up 

JIM.  Sally!  Was  Sally  the  girl  you  took  to  the 
movies  ? 

GEORGE.  (With  a  shout — comes  down — between 
them)  Sally,  and  did  she  tell  you  she'd  never  been? 
(Laughs.)  Pretty  good !  She's  been  going  regu 
larly  ever  since  she  was  born. 

AUSTIN.  I  should  think  you  fellows  could  see 
that  it  isn't  square  to  me.  It's  so  cheap  to  behave 
like  that.  That's  just  what  everyone  would  say 
would  happen — turn  five  men  loose  in  a  girl's  school 
and  they'd  all  be  making  love  to  the  pupils 

DAVID.  Not  me,  Austin.  I  swear  it.  (BOYS  look 
at  DAVID. ) 

AUSTIN.     Oh,  I  know  you  didn't  mean  any  harm, 


90  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

but  that  sort  of  thing-  musl   not  happen.     And  by 
Heaven,  it  sha'n't. 

("DAVID  goes  up  L.cJ 

JIM.  (Crossing  to  sofa  L. — TIM  goes  up  to  R.  of 
post  L.C. — GEORGE  steps  down  c.)  Oh,  very  well, 
very  well,  but  how  about  you  yourself  ?  How  about 
these  continual  flowers  on  teacher's  desk? 

AUSTIN.  These  ?  Why,  these  are  out  of  my  own 
garden.  Miss  Curtis  is  kind  enough  to  bring  them 
in  every 

JIM.  Yes,  but  that  gardenia  is  not  out  of  your 
own  garden  and  Miss  Curtis  doesn't  bring  that  in 
every  day. 

AUSTIN.     I  don't  know  where  that  comes  from. 

JIM.  You  haven't  happened  to  notice  any  of  the 
pupils  who  wear  gardenias  ? 

AUSTIN.     No.     1  don't  notice  that  sort  of  thing. 

JIM.  (Slamming  his  hand  on  desk)  Well,  then, 
let  me  tell  you 

AUSTIN.  (Rises)  Jim,  you  have  more  important 
jobs  than  to  stand  here  gossipping  about  flowers. 
("JiM  turns  angrily  toward  door  R.  TIM  goes  toward 
door  u.L.cJ  Jim,  there's  a  telegram  from  Lucille. 
("JiM  goes  toward  door  U.L.C. — GEORGE  starts  toward 
door  Rj  Wait,  George.  ("GEORGE  comes  down  R.C. 
to  front  of  sofa  R .) 

TIM.  (As  they  exit  door  U.L.C J  I  didn't  know 
you  took  Sally  to  the  movies. 

JIM.     When  did  you  take  Sally  to  the  movies? 

("DAVID  starts  to  x.  to  desk  R.,  picks  up  some  papers.) 

AUSTIN.  You  wait,  too,  David.  ("DAVID  replaces 
papers — returns  to  A. — sofa  L.J  Now,  I  don't  want 
to  be  unjust,  George. 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  91 

GEORGE.  (Is  just  sitting  on  F.  arm  of  sofa  R, — 
Rises  quickly)  Unjust  to  me?  What  have  I  been 
doing? 

AUSTIN.  George,  you  hang  about  the  halls  when 
ever  Elise  Benedotti  is  changing  classes. 

GEORGE.     (At  F.  sofa  R.)    Sure,  I  do. 

AUSTIN.  Well,  that  isn't  right.  I  know  you're 
in  love  with  her,  and  Heaven  knows  it's  natural — 

GEORGE.  Do  you  think  it's  natural  to  be  in  love 
with  her,  too  ? 

AUSTIN.  Yes — no!  You  didn't  let  me  finish. 
What  I  meant  to  say  was  that  being  in  love  with 
her,  it's  natural  that  you  should  want  to  speak  to 
her.  But  you  mustn't.  It's  breaking  the  pledge  you 
gave  me  when  I  offered  you  the  job.  Isn't  it,  David  ? 

DAVID.     (A.  sofa  L.)    In  my  opinion,  it  is. 

GEORGE.  What  do  you  suppose  I  came  here  for 
at  all,  but  to  see  Elise? 

AUSTIN.  To  see  her — to  be  near  her,  but  not  to 
speak  to  her. 

(DAVID  at  desk  L.) 

GEORGE.  Well,  I  hardly  spoke  to  her,  I  just  said, 
"Oh,  Elise,  won't  you  marry  me?" 

AUSTIN.  (Too  much  interested)  And  what  did 
she  say? 

GEORGE.  (Smiling  happily)  She  said:  "Oh, 
George,  don't  be  tiresome !" 

AUSTIN.  (Relieved)  Now,  don't  you  see  how 
wrong  that  is? — I  consider  it  a  point  of  honor  with 
all  of  us  not  to  have  the  least  personal  communica 
tion  with  any  of  the  pupils (Enter  Miss  CUR 
TIS  door  R. — She  has  a  letter  in  her  hand.)  None, 
do  you  understand?  (GEORGE  starts  to  speak.) 
None !  ^GEORGE  goes  up  to  R.  of  post  L.C.  AUSTIN 
sits.) 


92  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

Miss  CURTIS.  (To  post  R.C .)  Excuse  me  for  in 
terrupting,  but  this  is  Elise's  letter. 

GEORGE.  (Turns  quickly,  R.  of  post  L.c.J  Elise's 
letter ! 

AUSTIN.  (Coldly — is  sitting  L.  of  desk  L.)  Put 
it  on  the  desk,  please. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Crossing  to  desk  LV  lays  the  let 
ter  on  the  desk — as  she  crosses  GEORGE  comes  down 
on  her  R.)  Yes,  her  daily  letter.  She's  so  punctual 
about  it,  dear  child.  Every  morning-  at  nine  it's  al 
ways,  "Miss  Curtis,  will  you  give  this  to  Mr.  Bev- 
ans,  please?"  She  never  misses 

AUSTIN.     That  will  be  all,  Miss  Curtis 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Starts  to  take  the  gardenia)  Mr. 
Bevans,  wouldn't  you  like  me  to  take  that  gardenia 
away? 

AUSTIN.     That  will  be  all,  Miss  Curtis. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Crosses  to  R.cJ  Such  a  heavy 
perfume.  I  didn't  know  but  it  might  give  him — 
(Exiting  door  R. — muttering) — a  headache 

GEORGE.  (To  sofa  L .)  No  personal  communica 
tion  with  any  of  the  pupils,  eh? — Oh,  no! 

AUSTIN.  ('L.  of  desk  L. — takes  the  letter,  starts 
to  open  it)  This  is  an  exercise  in  English  composi 
tion. 

GEORGE.     (Turns  to  c.i.)    Ah-h 

DAVID.  (At  desk  L.j  Yes,  I  can  tell  from  her 
history  papers  that  her  writing,  spelling,  and  punc 
tuation  are  very  defective. 

GEORGE.  (Angrily — to  sofa  L.)  Are  they,  in 
deed?  Well,  I  never  found  them  so.  I  think  her 
letters  are  perfect — only  she  hardly  ever  writes  to 
me.  But  to  you  she  writes  every  morning — every 
morning — at  nine  o'clock. 

AUSTIN.  George,  you  don't  mean  you  doubt  my 
word  when  I  tell  you  that  this  letter  is  merely  an 
English  exercise? 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  93 

GEORGE.  (Tunis  to  L.  of  c.  Back  to  audience) 
Of  course,  I  doubt  it. 

DAVID.     George,  how  can  you? 

AUSTIN.  (Hands  letter  to  DAVIDJ  Read  it, 
Dave.  (DAVID  starts  to  read  it  to  himself.) 

DAVID.     Out  loud? 

AUSTIN.     Of  course. 

DAVID.  Now,  George,  you'll  be  sorry  for  what 
you  said.  (Reading.)  "Dear  Mr.  Bevans :  Did  you 
see  the  moon  last  night?" 

GEORGE,     (c.)    Hy! 

(During  the  reading,  GEORGE  keeps  trying  to  catch 
AUSTIN'S  eye  to  show  what  he  thinks  of  the  let 
ter,  while  AUSTIN  remains  detached,  looking 
steadily  front.) 

DAVID.  "It  came  out  suddenly  from  a  black  cloud 
with  silver  edges."  (Speaking.)  Now  that's  pret 
tily  put. 

GEORGE.     Yes-r 

DAVID.  (Reading)  "It  must  have  shone  in  at 
your  window.  I  watched  it  a  very  long  time,  and 
hoped  that  you  were  not  missing  such  a  very  lovely 
sight." 

AUSTIN.  (Calmly — looking  F.J  She  used  "very" 
too  much. 

DAVID.  (Reading)  "You  can't  imagine  how  my 
love  of  poetry  has  increased  in  the  last  few  weeks. 
We  are  reading  Shelly  now,  and  some  of  his  lines 
ring1  in  my  head  day  and  night.  'I  never  thought 
before  my  death  to  see  youth's  vision  thus  made 
perfect.' ' 

GEORGE.     Gu!    (Goes  to  sofa  Rj 

DAVID.  "I  say  that  over  and  over  to  myself.  Re 
spectfully  yours,  Elise." 

GEORGE.     (L.  of  c.i.)    Elise! 


94  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

DAVID.     Now,   I  call  that,  a  very  good  letter — 
though  she  should  not  spell  hope  with  two  p's. 
AUSTIN.     Make  a  note  of  it,  will  you? 

(DAVID  takes  pencil  from  desk  LV  makes  note  on 
letter.) 

GEORGE.     Why,  it's  a  love  letter. 
DAVID.     Why,  man,  you're  crazy.     There  isn't  a 
word  of  love  in  it. 

^AUSTIN  rises,  takes  the  letter — looks  at  it.) 

GEORGE.  (To  sofa  L.)  There  is,  there  is,  too. 
Don't  you  see  when  she  says  "Youth's  vision  made 
perfect,"  she  means  Austin? 

AUSTIN.     Me?     Why,  George,  don't  be  absurd. 

GEORGE.  (At  R.  end  of  sofa  L.j  And  what  about 
the  moon,  too 

(Enter  Miss  CURTIS  door  R.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Comes  to  post  R.c.J  Oh,  excuse 
me  for  interrupting  you  again,  Mr.  Bevans.  But 
Professor  McKenzie's  course  in  Constitutional  His 
tory  has  been  waiting  fifteen  minutes — (DAVID 
crosses.) — and  they're  getting  so  impatient. 

DAVID.  (Crossing  quickly  to  door  Rj  Impa 
tient  for  my  course,  do  you  hear  that,  Austin? 
(Exit  door  R.  GEORGE  goes  up  L.cJ 

Miss  CURTIS.  And  Prof.  Boyd's  class  in  book 
keeping — is  waiting  also. 

GEORGE.  (Glares  at  AUSTIN,  then  goes  out  after 
DAVID,  door  R J  Moon ! 

("AUSTIN  stops  Miss  CURTIS,  who  has  started  for 
the  door.) 

AUSTIN.     (Comes  F.  to  L.  of  c.i. — Miss  CURTIS 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  95 

goes  to  his  R.  Puts  letter  in  breast  pocket)  Miss 
Curtis,  when  Mr.  Boyd  gives  his  individual  instruc 
tions  in  bookkeeping,  you  are  always  present — aren't 
you? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  yes,  yes — indeed,  I'm  always 
there. 

AUSTIN.     Just  how  does  he  proceed? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Once  a  week  he  gives  a  lecture  on 
the  general  theory,  and  then  he  takes  each  girl  aside 
for  about  ten  minutes  and  shows  her  how  to  balance 
her  bank  book,  or  to  draw  checks.  Such  a  helpful 
course  I  always  think. 

AUSTIN.    Where  has  he  been  giving  it  ? 

Miss  CURTIS.     In  my  little  office. 

AUSTIN.  In  the  future,  I  prefer  to  have  him  give 
it  here.  Go  now  and  tell  him  to  finish  the  hour  here. 

(Miss  CURTIS  goes  to  door  RV  turns,  looks  at  him — 
smiles,  exits.  AUSTIN  goes  to  U.R.  end  of  sofa 
L.,  picks  up  gardenia  and  stands  looking  at  it — 
ELISE  enters  P.  down  the  stairs f  wearing  a  gar 
denia.) 

ELISE.     Mr.  Bevans 

AUSTIN.  (U.R.  end  of  sofa — very  severe)  Elise, 
you  know  perfectly  well,  it's  against  the  rules  for 
you  to  come  here  like  this. 

ELISE.  Yes,  I  know,  sir,  but— do  you  like  gar 
denias? 

AUSTIN.     (Firmly)     No. 

ELISE.     No? 

AUSTIN.     The  perfume  is  too  heavy. 

ELISE.  (Goes  to  E.  of  sofa  R. — throws  it  into 
waste-basket)  There,  then ! 

AUSTIN.  (Hides  his  in  drawer  of  desk  L.J  Now, 
Elise,  you  must  go.  (To  L.  of  desk  -L.) 


96  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

ELISE.  (Crossing  to  sofa  Lj  But,  Mr.  Bevans, 
I  want  to  speak  to  you  about  my  letter. 

AUSTIN.     (L.  of  desk  L.)    Your  letter? 

ELISE.  Didn't  you  receive  my  letter  this  morn 
ing? 

AUSTIN.  Oh,  yes,  I  believe  I  did.  (Pretends  to 
look  for  it  on  the  desk.) 

ELISE.     Perhaps  you  put  it  in  your  pocket. 

AUSTIN.  Yes,  perhaps  I  did.  (Goes  through  his 
breast  pocket,  and  at  last  reluctantly  produces  it. — 
He  takes  the  letter  out  and  reads  it — ELISE  watches 
him  out  of  the  corner  of  her  eye.) 

ELISE.  You  see,  I  spelled  a  word  wrong.  Oh, 
Mr.  Bevans — don't  you  think  that  is  a  wonderful 
line?  (She  recalls.)  "I  never  thought  before  my 
death  to  see  youth's  vision  thus  made  perfect." 

AUSTIN.  (Reading  the  letter — comes  to  F.  and 
sits  up  F.  arm  of  sofa  L.j  It's  all  right,  now,  Elise, 
run  along. 

ELISE.  (Sits  on  sofa  L. — close  to  him)  Do  you 
mind  very  much  if  I  sit  here? 

AUSTIN.  No,  not  at  all.  (Rises — still  reading 
the  letter  and  crosses  to  sofa  R. — sits  on  F.  arm.) 

ELISE.  (Sits  sofa  L.)  Do  you  suppose  that's  the 
way  everyone  feels  when  they  fall  in  love? 

AUSTIN.     Go  to  your  class. 

ELISE.  (Rises,  crosses  to  him)  Just  one  mo 
ment,  Mr.  Bevans.  Don't  you  think  Shelley  is  a 
wonderful  poet? 

AUSTIN.  (Rises,  going  up  R.  of  desk  R. — to  door 
Rj  Leave  this  room. 

ELISE.  (Runs  to  door  RV  stands  with  her  back 
against  it)  Just  a  moment — just  a  moment,  please. 

AUSTIN.     Elise,  you  must  go. 

ELISE.  (Very  sweetly)  Well,  you  can't  exactly 
put  me  out,  can  you  ?  ? 


I 


tfl 


I  • 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  97 

AUSTIN.  Why  can't  I?  I  will,  too,  if  you  don't 
go  yourself. 

ELISE.     Well,  I'm  not  going  myself,  am  I? 
AUSTIN.     All  right,  then 

(Pitts  his  hands  on  her  shoulders  to  shove  her  ant 
when  the  door  opens  quickly — pushing  ELISE 
into  AUSTIN'S  arms — he  catches  her  to  save  her 
from  falling.  GEORGE  hurries  in,  sees  ELISE  in 
AUSTIN'S  arms,  and  throws  ledger  on  floor 
above  sofa  R.  Stands  glaring  at  them.  AUS 
TIN  unconsciously  still  keeps  his  arms  about 
ELISE — not  holding  her  to  him  but  his  arms  are 
rather  awkwardly  outstretched.) 

AUSTIN.  What — what  do  you  mean  by  breaking 
into  a  room  like  that  ? 

GEORGE.  (F.  of  stairs — sarcastic)  I'm  very  sorry, 
but,  of  course,  I  thought  you  were  alone. 

AUSTIN.  (Realising  his  position — angrily  crosses 
down  R.  of  desk,  crosses  to  L.  of  L.cJ  Why  the 
deuce  should  you  think  I  was  alone? 

( ELISE  crosses  above  to  piano.) 

GEORGE.  (Picks  up  ledger.  Crossing  to  R.  of 
desk  R.J  Because,  you  said — because,  I  understood 
— because,  it's  against  the  rules  to  see  pupils 
alone 

AUSTIN.  You  don't  seem  to  understand  that  you 
nearly  knocked  this  young  lady  down — bursting  open 
the  door  like  that. 

ELISE.  fc.3 — with  a  lovely  smile)  Oh,  I  don't 
mind  what  happened.  , 

( GEORGE  shuts  the  account  book  he  carries — "bang" 
glares  at  them.  ELISE  startled,  sits  on  piano 
bench.) 


98  THE   CHARM    SCHOOL 

AUSTIN.  (Looks  at  ELISE — goes  to  F.  of  desk 
L> — turns  to  GEORGE,)  What  are  you  doing  here, 
anyhow  ? 

GEORGE.  (To  F.  of  desk  R.)  What  am  I  doing 
here? 

AUSTIN.    Yes. 

GEORGE.     You  sent  for  me 

AUSTIN.     Eh? 

GEORGE.  (F.  of  desk  R.)  You  sent  Miss  Curtis 
to  tell  me  tc  give  my  course  here 

AUSTIN.  (Irritably)  Oh — hu (Sits  L.  of 

desk  L. — picks  up  book.)  All  right,  go  ahead  with 
your  course. 

GEORGE.  (F.  of  desk  R.)  What!  Right  here  be 
fore  you  ? 

AUSTIN.  Certainly.  Is  there  any  reason  why  you 
shouldn't  give  it  before  me? 

GEORGE.  (Crossing  to  sofa  L.)  No.  I  have 
nothing  to  conceal. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Enters  door  R.  with  composition 
books }  goes  to  R.  of  desk  R.)  Hurry,  Sally ! 

(SALLY  enters  door  R. — a  small  checkbook — goes  to 
R.  of  piano.  ELISE  rises — turns,  sits  P.B.  Starts 
playing  softly.) 

AUSTIN.  Oh,  is  it  only  Sally?  I  mean,  is  it 
Sally? 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Sits  at  desk  R.)  Yes,  Sally  has 
the  first  turn. 

AUSTIN.  (Rising,  crosses  F. — goes  up  L.cJ  Oh, 

well,  I've  got  something  to  attend  to — but  I'll  be 
back. 

(ELISE  is  sitting  on  piano  bench,  catches  his  eye  as 
he  comes  up  L.C.  AUSTIN  exits  door  L.  ELISE 
gets  his  last  words,  "I'll  be  back" — swings 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  99 

around  on  the  bench  and  softly  touches  the  keys. 
Stops  when  SALLY  begins  to  speak.  GEORGE 
crosses  A.  to  L.  of  desk  L.) 

SALLY.  (Laughs  loudly — making  fun  of  GEORGE,) 
Professor!  Hu !  (Crosses  to  sofa  L.)  George — 
the  idea  of  you  giving  me  a  lesson.  (Sits,  sofa  L  j 

Miss  CURTIS.     Sally,  Sally! 

GEORGE.  (Snatching  the  checkbook  from  her, 
runs  through  the  pages  rapidly,  severely — "brother 
and  sister" )  A  very  badly  kept  book,  Miss  Boyd. 

SALLY.  (Laughingly)  I  have  such  trouble  with 
my  account,  Professor. 

GEORGE.     What  is  your  chief  difficulty? 

SALLY.     Keeping  any  money  in  the  bank. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Sitting  desk  R. — busy  writing. 
Gently)  Oh,  Sally,  Sally,  dear,  do  pay  attention  to 
your  lesson. 

GEORGE.  I'm  sorry  to  hear  that.  (Sits — sotto 
voce.)  Listen  to  me,  when  I  teach  Miss  Bene- 

dotti (He  points  at  Miss  CURTIS,  at  the  door, 

meaning  when  I  teach  ELISE,  get  Miss  CURTIS 
azvay.) 

SALLY.     (Loudly)    What's  that? 

GEORGE.  (Turns  away  disgusted — to  SALLY 

again)  Oh!  When  I  teach  Miss  Benedotti 

(Same  business.) 

SALLY.     (Understanding)     Oh,  I  can't. 

GEORGE.     You  could  if  you  tried. 

SALLY.     Can't. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Sally,  Sally,  you  must  never  say 
you  can't  do  anything  your  teachers  ask  of  you. 

SALLY.     All  right,  if  you  say  so,  Miss  Curtis. 

GEORGE.  (Rises,  rapidly)  In  that  case,  this  les 
son  is  over.  Add  up  the  deposits,  add  up  the  checks, 
subtract  the  one  from  the  other,  and  there  you  are. 
(SALLY  grabs  book,  crosses  toward  door  R.  ELISE 


ioo  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

who  is  on  to  the  trick  tries  to  run  out  after  SALLY. 
SALLY  runs  out  door  R.  Very  sweetly.)  Now,  who 
is  the  next  pupil,  Miss  Curtis? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Elise,  Elise — Elise  Benedotti  is 
next. 

GEORGE.     Possibly,  possibly.     (Sits.) 

ELISE.  (At  door  R. — going  to  L.  of  sofa  R.)  Miss 
Curtis,  I  don't  see  any  use  at  all  in  my  taking  this 
course.  My  uncle  would  always  get  me  some  little 
ac-coun-ta-nant  to  balance  my  book ! 

GEORGE.  (Rising)  Perhaps  you  wouldn't  al 
ways  find  a  little  accountant  at  your  beck  and  call. 

ELISE.  (R.C.,  turns  to  GEORGE,  then  turns  back 
to  Miss  CURTIS  J  I  always  have.  (^GEORGE  sits 
crushed.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  But,  Elise,  Mr.  Bevans  thinks  this 
course  is  so  important. 

ELISE.  (Crossing  and  sitting  down  at  once  on  u. 
arm  of  sofa  'L.)  Oh,  if  Mr.  Bevans  thinks  so. 
("GEORGE  rises — takes  her  book.) 

GEORGE.  (Looking  through  her  book)  Tuh — tsh 
— tsh — this  is  no  way  to  keep  a  record  of  your  ex 
penditures,  Miss  Benedotti.  (Very  sugarly) — to  self 
— to  self — to  self — why,  you  never  enter  what  you 
spent  your  money  for 

ELISE.  Sometimes  I  do (Finds  the  place  in 

the  checkbook.)  There's  one — for  George's  Christ 
mas  present 

GEORGE.  It  was  a  wonderful  present.  (Senti 
mentally — tries  to  hold  her  hand — she  snatches  it 
away.)  I  mean  it  must  have  been  at  such  a  price. 

ELISE.  Miss  Curtis,  do  you  think  Professor  Boyd 
ought  to  comment  on  the  price  I  pay  for  things? 
Is  that  part  of  the  course  ? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Not  exactly,  my  dear,  but  I'm 
sure  nowadays,  we  ought  to  be  very  grateful  to  any 
one  who  can  tell  us 


THE   CHARM    SCHOOL  101 

( SALLY  enters  door  R.,  calls  loudly.) 

SALLY.     Miss  Curtis! 

Miss  CURTIS.     Yes,  Sally,  dear. 

SALLY.  You're  wanted  on  the  long  distance  tele 
phone. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Rises — flustered)  Dear  me,  now 
— who  can  that  be?  (Reaches  for  phone  on  lower 
end  of  desk  R.) 

SALLY.  (Beats  her  to  -it — grabs  the  phone. 
GEORGE  writes  on  piece  of  paper  "balance  sheet" — 
lays  it  on  top  of  desk — ELISE  looks  at  it)  Don't  use 
that  one 

Miss  CURTIS.     Sally — dear! 

SALLY.  The  operator  said  that  there  was  some 
thing  wrong  with  the  switches,  and  that  if  you  used 
any  telephone  but  the  one  in  the  pantry,  you'd  lose 
your  connection. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Why,  how  very  strange!  (Goes 
up  R.C.) 

( ELISE  runs  to  back  of  Miss  CURTIS.^ 

SALLY.  (R.  of  desk  R. — still  holds  the  phone) 
That's  just  what  she  said. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Above  sofa  R.,  to  GEORGE,)  Did 
you  ever  hear  of  such  a  thing? 

GEORGE.  (Has  come  to  c.2)  Oh.  yes — yes,  in 
deed.  It  happens  quite  often,  when  the  earth  cur 
rents  are  running — (Illustrates  by  holding  hand  out 
straight.) — or  I  should  say  tending  to  run  in  an — 
(Bends  his  fingers.) — opposite  or  negative  direc 
tion 

(Miss  CURTIS  moves  toward  GEORGE.J 
SALLY.     (R.  of  desk  R.)     I'm  afraid  you'll  lose 


102  THE   CHARM    SCHOOL 

your  call,  Miss  Curtis.     (Miss  CURTIS  hurries  out 
door  R.     SALLY  going  up  R.  to  door  R.)     Fixed  it 
for  you,  sweetie !     (ELISE  starts  for  her.) 
ELISE.     I  think  I'd  better  go. 

(SALLY  exits  door  R. — quickly.     ELISE  attempts  to 
follow  her  out.) 

GEORGE.     (Passionately)    Elise!    Elise! 

ELISE.     Oh,  what  do  you  want? 

GEORGE.  Can't  you  see  that  man  is  in  love  with 
you? 

ELISE.  (Gasping)  Oh,  George,  what  do  you 
mean? 

GEORGE.  (L.  of  c.)  Bevans  is  in  love  with  you, 
don't  you  see  it?  Can't  you  feel  it? 

ELISE.  (R.  of  GEORGE,)  Oh,  George,  what  makes 
you  think  so? 

GEORGE.  I  don't  think,  I  know.  If  you'd  seen 
his  face  just  now  when  you  were  in  his  arms 

ELISE.  Oh,  I  wasn't  in  his  arms,  George.  It  was 
because  you  opened  the  door  so  roughly. 

GEORGE.     The  point  is,  he  liked  it.    He  loved  it. 

ELISE.     (Enraptured)    Are  you  sure? 

GEORGE.  Of  course,  I'm  sure.  I've  known  Aus 
tin  a  long  time — I  tell  you  he's  wildly  in  love  with 
you.  That's  why  he  makes  you  write  to  him  every 
day. 

ELISE.  Oh,  no,  George,  that's  to  improve  my 
handwriting. 

GEORGE.  That's  what  he  tells  you,  darling,  but 
it's  really  because  he's  in  love  with  you.  Why,  you 
should  have  seen  his  face  light  up  when  Miss  Curtis 
brought  in  your  note  this  morning. 

ELISE.     Did  it,  George,  did  it  light  up? 

GEORGE.  Yes,  it  did.  (ELISE,  enraptured,  turns 
to  R.C.  GEORGE  follows  her.)  He  ought  to  be 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  103 

ashamed  of  himself.  Why,  he's  practically  engaged 
to  Susie  Rolles. 

ELISE.  (Laughs,  sits  on  arm  of  sofa  R.J  Prac 
tically  engaged — what  sort  of  an  engagement  is 
that? 

GEORGE.  Well,  I  heard  him  tell  your  uncle,  that 
the  only  reason  he  took  the  school  was  to  make 
enough  money  to  get  married.  He's  all  wrapped  up 
in  her. 

ELISE.  But  how  can  he  be  all  wrapped  up  in  her, 
if  he's  in  love  with  me? 

GEORGE.  What  do  you  mean — he's  in  love  with 
you? 

ELISE.  (Rises,  goes  to  him)  You  just  this  mo 
ment  said  he  was. 

GEORGE.  (Confused)  Well,  I  mean  he  was 
wrapped  up  in  her  and  he  would  be  still,  if  you'd 
let  him  alone. 

ELISE.  (Shocked)  Let  him  alone!  Why, 
George!  (Crossing  to  L.  of  desk  L.J  You  don't 
think  I'd  do  anything 

GEORGE.  (Hastily — F.  of  sofa  L.)  Oh,  no,  no, 
dear.  I  didn't  mean  that.  I  know  you  are  too  timid 
to  give  him  the  least  encouragement.  But,  if  you 
(Gestures.)  wouldn't  stir  him  up. 

ELISE.     Stir  him  up? 

GEORGE.  (Gestures)  If  you'd  just  avoid  him  for 
a  little  while. 

ELISE.  (Struck  with  the  idea — looking  F.)  Oh ! 

I  might  do  just  one  thing  and  then  the  other 

(Imitates  GEORGE'S  gestures.)  First  stir  him  up  and 
then  avoid  him.  That  sometimes  works  wonder 
fully. 

GEORGE.  No,  no,  dear.  Just  avoid  him,  just  avoid 
him,  then  he'd  forget  you. 

ELISE.  (Laughs)  Oh,  George,  you  are  so  funny. 
That's  what  I  do  with  you — and  look  at  the  re- 


104  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

suit f GEORGE  turns  to  c.)    You  never  give  me 

back  a  balance  sheet  without  writing  "I  love  you" 

all  over  it (Gets  it,  on  desk  L.)    Like  this  one 

this   morning — look   all   over  this    side (She 

hands  it  to  GEORGE.J 

("AUSTIN  enters  door  L.  as  the  paper  is  under  dis 
cussion.) 

AUSTIN.  (Comes  down  L.C. — between  them) 
Let  me  see  that  paper. 

GEORGE.  (L.  of  c. — shoves  it  up  under  his  coat) 
No,  I  won't. 

AUSTIN.     Give  it  to  me. 

GEORGE.     I  will  not. 

AUSTIN.  George!  (^GEORGE  hands  it  to  him. 
Between  GEORGE  and  ELISE — reading.)  "I  love  you 
so  much  that  I  cannot  bear  him  even  to  look  at 
you!" 

ELISE.  (F.  of  sofa  L. — L.  of  AUSTIN )  Now,  who 
do  you  think  he  means  by  that  him?  Mr.  Bevans? 

AUSTIN.  (Looks  from  ELISE  to  GEORGE.  To 
GEORGE,)  Is  this  your  idea  of  a  lesson  in  account 
ing? 

GEORGE,  (c.i.)  About  as  good  as  your  idea  of 
a  lesson  in  composition. 

AUSTIN.  (Crossing  to  F.  of  desk  L.)  You  ought 
to  be  ashamed  of  yourself. 

ELISE.  Oh,  Mr.  Bevans,  don't  be  so  angry.  It 
really  doesn't  make  the  least  bit  of  difference. 

AUSTIN.     There,  I  disagree  with  you. 

fMiss  CURTIS  enters  door  R. — goes  R.  of  desk  R. — 
GEORGE  goes  up  to  post  L.C.,) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Talking  as  she  enters)  There 
wasn't  a  soul  on  the  wire  and  Central  kept  saying 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  105 

"Number,  please.    Number,  please/5    I  do  think  it's 
so  annoying. 

( ELISE  sits  sofa  L.) 

AUSTIN.  (Portentously  advancing  to  c.)  Miss 
Curtis.  ^ELISE  sits,  sofa  L.)  I  believe  I  was  per 
fectly  clear  a  moment  ago  when  I  told  you  that  I 
wished  you  to  remain  in  the  room  during  Mr. 
Boyd's  lessons. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Crossing  F.  to  AUSTIN'S  R.J  Oh, 
yes,  Mr.  Bevans,  perfectly  clear. 

AUSTIN.     You  understood  my  directions? 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Almost  in  tears)  Perfectly,  per 
fectly,  Mr.  Bevans. 

AUSTIN.  May  I  ask  then,  why  I  find  Miss  Bene- 
dotti  entirely  unchaperoned  ? 

Miss  CURTIS.  I  was  called  to  the  long  distance 
telephone 

AUSTIN.     The  telephone?    The  telephone  is  here. 

ELISE.  (To  GEORGE,)  Tell  him  it  wasn't  her 
fault. 

GEORGE.  (Coming  down  L.  of  AUSTIN,)  Why, 
Austin,  I — I (Returns  to  post  L.c.J 

AUSTIN.  (Hardly  waits  for  ELISE  and  GEORGE'S 
lines)  Miss  Curtis,  I  feel  a  very  deep  responsi 
bility  in  these  matters.  Unless  you  can  obey  my  di 
rections,  I  must  find  someone  who  can. 

Miss  CURTIS.    Oh ! 

("Miss  CURTIS  goes  to  desk — sits,  head  in  her  hands 
— weeping.) 

ELISE.     (Rises)     Oh,  Mr.  Bevans,  please  don't 
be  so  angry  with  her,  it  wasn't  her  fault. 
.  AUSTIN.     Whose  fault  was  it? 
ELISE.     It  was  Geo — it  was  Prof.  Boyd's.    He'll 


io6  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

explain  it.  (Goes  to  door  R. — opening  it.)  Don't 
cry,  Miss  Curtis,  Mr.  Boyd  will  explain.  (She  leads 
Miss  CURTIS  away — they  exit  door  R.  GEORGE  goes 
down  c.) 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  desk)  You  ought  to  be  ashamed 
of  yourself — after  all  I  said  to  you 

GEORGE.     Indeed.     Well,  how  about  you? 

AUSTIN.     I  wasn't  making  love  to  the  girl. 

GEORGE.     It  looked  like  it. 

AUSTIN.  It's  just  low-minded  to  think  that  be 
cause  I'm  alone  with  a  girl  for  five  minutes  I'm  mak 
ing  love  to  her. 

GEORGE.  (R.  of  sofa  L.)  Why  isn't  it  low-minded 
then  for  you  to  think  that  I  was. 

AUSTIN.  Hold  on.  You  were.  That's  the  dif 
ference.  You  were.  And  I  won't  have  it,  George. 
You  leave  my  school. 

GEORGE.  (To  sofa  L.J  No,  I  won't  get  out  and 
leave  you  a  clear  field. 

AUSTIN.  On  the  level,  George,  if  I  should  find 
that  one  of  these  girls  was  developing  a  sentiment 
for  me,  I'd  stop  it  like  a  shot. 

(ELISE  enters  door  RV  she  goes  straight  to  R.  of 
GEORGE  .) 

ELISE.  (To  R.  of  GEORGE  L.  of  c.)  George,  go 
away  and  leave  this  to  me. 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  GEORGEJ  Do  nothing  of  the 
kind,  George. 

ELISE.  George,  if  you  don't  go  instantly,  I'll 
never  speak  to  you  again,  so  help  me —  (^GEORGE 
goes  out  at  once  door  R. — ELISE  advances  to  AUS 
TIN.  )  I  want  to  speak  to  you,  Mr.  Bevans. 

AUSTIN.  (Angry — F.  of  desk  L,.)  Yes,  and  I 
want  to  speak  to  you.  You  ought  to  be  ashamed  of 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  107 

yourself — the  president  of  the  senior  class.  You 
ought  to  set  a  good  example  to  the 

ELISE.  (Trembling  with  fear,  F.  of  sofa  L.)  Mr. 
Bevans 

AUSTIN.  (F.  of  D.L.J  I  say  you  ought  to  set  a 
good  example  to  the  younger  pupils.  What  I  ob 
ject  to  is  that  it's  so  common — it's  so  second  rate 

ELISE.     Oh,  please  don't  be  silly. 

AUSTIN.     Silly! 

ELISE.  Yes,  what  difference  does  it  make  whether 
George  writes  me  letters  or  not?  He  doesn't  mat 
ter.  I — I  don't  care  for  him. 

AUSTIN.  (F.  of  desk  L.J  It's  no  affair  of  mine 
whether  you  care  for  him  or  not.  But  it  is  my  affair 
that  you  shall  not  use  my  school  to  carry  on  a  clan 
destine  correspondence.  (Crossing  to  F.  of  desk  R.J 
It  makes  no  difference  to  me  what  your  feelings 
are 

ELISE.  (Gasping,  goes  to  L.I.  of  sofa  R.J  Oh,  is 
that  true? 

AUSTIN.  (Turning  to  her — F.  of  desk  R.J  Is 
what  true? 

ELISE.  That  you  don't  care  what  my  feelings — 
are? 

AUSTIN.  What  are  you  trembling  so  for?  Are 
you  afraid  of  me? 

ELISE.  No,  no,  not  a  bit.  Yes,  I  am,  terribly,  but 
that's  not  why  I'm  trembling.  It's  because  I  love 
you,  I  love  you  terribly. 

AUSTIN.     (Trying  to  be  calm)   My  dear  child 

ELISE.  (Trembling,  L.  of  lower  end  of  sofa  R.) 
Oh,  please  don't  say  any  of  those  things  you  think 
you  ought  to  say  about  my  being  a  child  and  not 
knowing  what  love  is.  I  have  so  little  time  to  tell 
you.  George  doesn't  matter.  Nothing  matters  but 
you — I've  been  silly  sometimes,  about  actors  and 
singers  and  thought  I  was  unhappy,  but  I  wasn't. 


io8  THE   CHARM    SCHOOL 

I  enjoyed  it.  But  I  don't  enjoy  this —  (She 
trembles  so  as  she  talks  that  she  can  hardly  speak.) 
I  can't  eat,  I  can't  sleep.  I  have  no  peace  except 
when  I'm  with  you,  and  then  that  excites  me  so  it 
almost  kills  me. 

AUSTIN.  (Protestingly — going  up  R.  of  desk  R.) 
Elise,  Elise. 

ELISE.  (L.  of  sofa  R.)  What  shall  I  do,  Mr. 
Bevans,  what  shall  I  do? 

AUSTIN.     Now,  just  wait  a  minute — please 

ELISE.     Do  you  hate  me  to  love  you  like  this  ? 

AUSTIN.  (R.  of  desk  R.)  Let  us  be  absolutely 
honest  about  this.  Nobody  hates  to  be  loved.  And 
no  man  hates  to  be  loved  by  a  lovely  little  creature 
like  you.  As  for  me,  no  one's  ever  cared  about  me 
much,  except  David  and  my  mother,  and  I  don't 
remember  her  very  well 

ELISE.  (At  sofa  R.)  Oh,  I'm  so  glad.  I  mean 
that  no  one  has  loved  you,  because  if  they  had,  that 
would  mean  that  you  had  cared  for  someone  and 
then  you'd  be  absolutely  irresistible. 

AUSTIN.  But  we're  not  going  to  have  anything 
more  like  this  at  all.  You've  got  to  get  over  this 
fancy,  and  get  over  it  at  once. 

ELISE.  Mr.  Bevans,  when  I'm  an  old,  withered 
woman,  I  shall  love  you  just  as  I  do  to-day. 

AUSTIN.     (Crossing  to  L.  of  c.i.)    Nonsense. 

ELISE.  (Goes  to  his  R.)  Or  a  little  bit  more,  be 
cause  I'll  know  more  about  it  then. 

AUSTIN.  (Turns  to  her)  Elise,  you  must  stop 
loving  me. 

ELISE.     (R.  of  AUSTIN )    I  can't. 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  c.i.)  You  can  if  you  try.  Now 
try. 

ELISE.  (Gaspingly)  I  don't  mean  to  try.  (Raises 
her  hands — with  difficulty  restrains  herself  from 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  109 

thr oiving  her  arms  about  his  neck.)  Don't  you  love 
me  at  all? 

AUSTIN.  (Firmly,  untruthful)  No.  (Goes  to  F. 
of  desk  L.) 

ELISE.  (Steps  toward  him)  Are  you  engaged  to 
someone  else  ? 

AUSTIN.  (Attempting  to  quiet  her)  My  dear 
child,  what  difference  can  that  possibly  make  to 
you? 

ELISE.  (Frantically)  Can't  you  see  what  differ 
ence  it  makes  to  me?  Are  you?  Are  you?  Are 
you? 

("Miss  HAYS  enters  door  R.,  takes  in  the  situation.) 
AUSTIN.     Well,  not  exactly. 

(ELISE,  sobbing  hysterically,  leans  her  head  against 
post  L.C.J 

Miss  HAYS.  (Above  sofa  R.J  There  are  two 
ladies  to  see  you,  Mr.  Bevans. 

AUSTIN.     (To  L.  of  desk  L.j     Parents? 

Miss  HAYS.     No,  just  ladies (Comes  down 

c.2.; 

(ELISE  gives  a  long  sob.    Miss  HAYS  goes  to  L.  of 
sofa  R.) 

AUSTIN.  (To  her  L.)  Elise,  do  try  and  get  hold 
of  yourself. 

ELISE.  (Hysterically)  I  don't  want  to  get  hold 
of  myself.  (Runs  out  door  RV  sobbing  hysterically.) 

( Miss  HAYS  looks  after  ELISE — turns,  looks  at  AUS 
TIN — pause.) 

Miss  HAYS.     (R.C. — scornfully)    Well,  Mr.  Bev- 


i  io  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

ans,  it  seems  that  Charm  is  like  a  good  rule,  it  works 
both  ways. 

AUSTIN.  (Goes  toward  her  L.J  Miss  Hays,  it 
wasn't  my  fault. 

Miss  HAYS.     Oh,  don't  say  that. 

AUSTIN.  (c.$)  You  mean  you  think  I  wanted 
to — that  I  tried 

Miss  HAYS.  (R.C.$)  When  you  introduced  five 
young  men  into  a  girls'  boarding  school  you  took 
the  responsibility  of  everything  that  might  happen. 
You  were  obstinate  and  ignorant 

AUSTIN.     Miss 

Miss  HAYS.  Oh,  I  know  that  determined  and  in 
experienced  sounds  better,  in  other  words,  you  were 
a  man  and  a  young  one,  and  so  you  went  on  your 
own  way — and  you  ruined  this  school — this  thing 
for  which  I  worked  and  thought  and  planned  for 
fifteen  years.  You  take  it  up  like  a  toy  and  break  it 
for  your  own  amusement !  (Crossing  F.  to  R.  of 
desk  R.)  Without  a  thought. 

AUSTIN.  You're  quite  wrong.  I've  given  it  a 
great  deal  of  thought 

Miss  HAYS.  (R.  of  desk  R.)  Very  well,  then, 
you've  given  a  great  deal  of  thought  to  ruining  it. 
I  gave  the  best  years  of  my  life  to  building  it  up. 
And  I  love  it,  like  a  child — and  I've  had  to  stand 
aside  and  see  you  do  one  mad  thing  after  another. 
Mr.  Bevans,  give  it  up.  Give  it  up  to  me  now.  I 
can  still  save  it. 

AUSTIN.  I'll  do  nothing  of  the  kind.  Why, 
the  school  is  doing  well.  Look  at  the  results.  Look 
at  the  waiting  list.  My  aunt  never  had  a  waiting 
list  like  that.  Isn't  that  true? 

Miss  HAYS.  Oh,  yes,  that's  true.  (Sits  R.  of 
desk  R.) 

AUSTIN.  All  the  parents  are  satisfied,  and  the 
girls  are  certainly  satisfied.  And  look  at  the  im- 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  in 

provement  in  them — in  their  voices,  in  their  manners, 
in  their  dress — do  you  deny  that? 

Miss  HAYS.  No,  I  don't  deny  that  some  of  your 
ideas  are  good,  and  have  proved  more  practical  than 
I  expected. 

AUSTIN.     What  do  you  object  to  then? 

Miss  HAYS.  To  you,  to  you  and  these  other  boys. 
Do  you  know  how  easy  it  is  to  kill  a  school  ?  One 
breath  of  scandal 

AUSTIN.     Of  scandal? 

Miss  HAYS.  What  parents  call  scandal.  I  dare 
say  you  don't  know  half  of  what  is  going  on  in  the 
school.  Do  you  know  that  those  twins — what  is  their 
names,  Simpkins — send  Sally  flowers  every  day? 
That  George  Boyd  follows  Elise  about  like  a  little 
dog?  That  every  girl  in  school  is  taking  snapshots 
of  you — and  that  a  good  photograph  of  you  com 
mands  any  price 

AUSTIN.  (Turning  to  L.c.iJ  I'll  confiscate  every 
kodak  in  the  school.  It  will  be  forbidden  to  take  a 
picture. 

Miss  HAYS.  It's  too  late — they  all  have  them  on 
their  dressing  tables  in  silver  frames. 

AUSTIN.  (Comes  to  c.2)  You  must  order  them 
off  their  dressing  tables. 

Miss  HAYS.  I  did.  I  said  that  photographs  of 
men  were  not  allowed,  but  they  say  their  teachers 
are  different.  Oh,  I've  worried  myself  sick  over  the 
whole  thing,  and  I  can't  bear  it  any  longer.  I  resign, 
I  can't  stand  by  passively  and  see  things  like  this 
going  on. 

AUSTIN,     (c.2)    Like  what? 

Miss  HAYS.  Like  what  is  happening  to  little 
Elise  Benedotti,  for  instance. 

AUSTIN.  Miss  Hays,  I  am  just  as  eager  to  pro 
tect  that  child  as  you  are — you  make  me  feel  very 
small  when  you  talk  like  that. 


ii2  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

Miss  HAYS.  (Rises,  picks  up  composition  books) 
I'm  afraid  I  can  interest  myself  very  little  in  your 
feelings,  Mr.  Bevans.  (Exits  upstairs  R.J 

(Enter  Miss  CURTIS,  door  R.     She  has  a  letter  in 
her  hand.    AUSTIN  goes  to  L.  of  desk  L.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  Mr.  Bevans,  excuse  me,  I 
thought  Miss  Hays  was  here.  I  have  a  letter  for 
her. 

AUSTIN.  (-L.  of  desk  L.J  Miss  Hays  will  be  right 
back,  Miss  Curtis. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Goes  to  c.)  Mr.  Bevans,  may  I 
speak  to  you?  (^AUSTIN  crosses  F.  to  Miss  CURTIS.^ 
I  feel  that  after  what  happened  this  morning,  I  had 
better  resign. 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  Miss  CURTIS,)  Resign!  You 
want  to  leave  us? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  no,  I  don't  want  to  leave  you, 
but  I  thought  you  were  dissatisfied  with  me,  and  I 
couldn't  bear (She  cant  go  on  with  the  sen 
tence.) 

AUSTIN.  There,  there.  I  suppose  I  was  a  little 
hasty.  Do  forgive  me.  We  really  couldn't  do  with 
out  you.  (Miss  CURTIS  ready  to  cry,  smothers  "Oh, 
MR.  BEVANS. ")  Only  please  don't  cry.  (She  tries 
to  keep  back  the  tears.)  You  won't  cry,  will  you? 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Smiles,  crying  bitterly)  I  can't 
help  it.  It  makes  me  so  happy.  Oh,  Mr.  Bevans, 
working  for  you  has  been  such  a  privilege,  such  an 
inspiration.  You  know,  I  think  I  have  been  waiting 
for  an  inspiration  all  my  life.  (AUSTIN  goes  to  L. 
of  desk  LV  sits.) 

(Miss  HAYS  enters  R.  down  the  stairs.) 
Miss   HAYS.     Theodosia,   when  you   have   time, 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  113 

will (Comes  down  R.U. — AUSTIN  to  L.  of  desk 

L. — sits — Miss  CURTIS  to  post  R.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Going  to  Miss  HAYS'S  L.)  Oh, 
Eleanor.  I  have  a  note  for  you  from  Elise. 

(Miss  HAYS  takes  the  letter,  steps  down  R.C.  Miss 
CURTIS  goes  to  post  R.C.,  dries  her  tears,  then 
goes  to  chair  R.  of  desk  R. — sits.) 

Miss  HAYS.  (Glances  through  the  note)  Oh! 
(Goes  to  c. — controlling  herself.)  Well,  Mr.  Bev- 
ans.  Your  catastrophe  has  arrived.  Elise  Bene- 
dotti  has  run  away. 

Miss  CURTIS.  '(Rising)  Oh,  Eleanor.  (Crosses 
F.  to  R.  of  Miss  HAYS.J 

AUSTIN.  (Rises)  What,  run  away (Goes 

to  L.  of  Miss  HAYS.J  Let  me  see (Takes  the 

letter — reads.)  "I  couldn't  bear  to  live  another  hour 
under  the  same  roof.  I  shall  be  quite  safe  where  I 
am  going," 

Miss  CURTIS.     This  is  terrible. 

AUSTIN.  Nonsense!  She  can't  have  gone  far. 
She  was  here  not  fifteen  minutes  ago. 

Miss  HAYS.  Remember  a  trolley  passes  the  gates 
every  few  minutes,  which  connects  with  all  New 
England. 

AUSTIN.     I'll  bring  her  back. 

Miss  HAYS.  (Coldly — crossing  to  R.  of  desk  R.) 
I  hope  you  may. 

AUSTIN.  I  tell  you  I  will.  (He  goes  to  door  R. 
and  calls.)  David,  George.  (As  AUSTIN  turns  he 
almost  runs  over  Miss  CURTIS,  he  goes  to  door 

U.L.C.J 

Miss  HAYS.  Her  uncle  must  be  telephoned  at 
once.  (In  phone.)  Hello.  Hello. 

AUSTIN.     (Calls  off  door  ux.cj     Tim.     Tim 
Miss  HAYS.     (In  phone)    Hullo.    Hullo. 


114  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

Miss  CURTIS.  (A.  of  sofa  R.)  Oh,  no,  don't  tele 
phone  her  uncle — he  is  so  hard,  so  unforgiving. 

AUSTIN.  (Comes  down  L.  of  c.  Going  to  R.  of 
c.2)  Of  course,  Mr.  Johns  must  be  informed  in 
stantly  of  what  has  happened.  ( DAVID  enters  door 
R.,  goes  to  R.C.3.J  Miss  Hays,  you'll  stay  and  take 
charge  of  everything  while  I'm  gone. 

(JiM  enters  door  U.L.C. — goes  down  R.  of  €.4.) 

JIM.  What's  the  matter,  Austin,  what's  hap 
pened  ? 

(TiM  enters  D.U.L.C. — goes  to  L.  of  AUSTIN. ) 

AUSTIN.  Boys,  boys,  here's  a  fine  state  of  af 
fairs 

(GEORGE  enters  door  RV  goes  to  between  DAVID  and 
JIM.  Miss  HAYS  sits  at  desk  R. — takes  the  ad 
dress  book  and  looks  up  the  possible  places 
where  ELISE  might  go — then  writes  out  tele 
grams.  Miss  CURTIS  is  above  desk  R.,  helping 
her.) 

AUSTIN.  Elise  Benedotti  has  run  away,  and  I'm 
going  to  bring  her  back— 

GEORGE.     (DAVID  is  below  him)    What? 

AUSTIN.     Elise  Benedotti  has  run  away  and 

GEORGE.     What? 

AUSTIN.  George,  that's  a  very  annoying  habit 
of  yours,  saying,  what,  what,  what,  when  you  under 
stood  perfectly.  Elise  Benedotti  has  run  away 
(Crossing  to  L.  of  desk  L.)  and  I'm  going  after  her. 

GEORGE.  (Crosses  to  sofa  L.)  So  am  I.  (DAVID 
crosses — above  desk  L.  TWINS  to  Miss  CURTIS .) 

AUSTIN.  No,  you're  not,  Your  place  is  here 
with  your  classes. 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  115 

(TwiNS  go  to  Miss  CURTIS,  question  her.  She  an 
swers  them,  then  goes  to  above  desk  R.  TWINS 
come  to  c.) 

GEORGE.  You  know  a  lot  about  what  my  place  is. 
I  know  my  own  place,  thank  you. 

AUSTIN.  Prove  it  then  by  sticking  to  your  job. 
David,  I  want  you  to  make  a  point 

flifiss   HAYS  replaces  phone.     Starts  hunting  the 
phone   book   and  writing   telegrams.) 

GEORGE.  Stick  here  and  leave  you  to  go  chasing 
Elise  all  over  the  country.  I'll  go  and  get  her  my 
self. 

AUSTIN.  You  know  where  she  is,  then? 

GEORGE.  No,  but  I  have  means  of  finding  out. 

TWINS.  Sally  will  know. 

AUSTIN.  Good  idea.  Get  Sally,  please,  Miss  Cur 
tis. 

(The  TWINS  run  to  Miss  CURTIS,  she  exits  u.  stairs.) 

JIM.  Yes,  get  Sally,  Miss  Curtis.  (Comes  back 
to  c.2 — TIM  R.  of  €.3.,) 

GEORGE.  fL.c.J  Now,  that's  not  fair.  Sally  is 
my  sister  and  it  was  my  idea 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  desk  L.)  Look  here,  George,  this 
isn't  a  game  of  hide-and-seek.  This  is  a  serious 
matter.  One  of  the  pupils  of  the  Fairview  School 
has  run  away  and  must  be  found  at  once.  David,  I 
want  you  to  make  it  your  business 

GEORGE.  Why  did  she  run  away,  that's  what  I'd 
like  to  know? 

AUSTIN.    We  don't  know.      (To    DAVID   above 


ii6  THE   CHARM    SCHOOL 

sofa  Lj  There  is  a  man  raking  the  road,  ask  him 
if — 

GEORGE.    Well,  I  know. 

AUSTIN.     What  do  you  know? 

GEORGE.     Why  she  ran  away. 

AUSTIN.     Why  did  she  run  away? 

GEORGE.     I  guess  you  know,  too. 

AUSTIN.  (Interrupting,  to  DAVIDJ  Ask  him  if 
he  saw  anyone  pass. 

GEORGE.     Elise  ran  away  because  of  you. 

DAVID.     ( A.  of  sofa  Lj    George,  you're  crazy. 

AUSTIN.  (To  DAVID,)  Never  mind  him,  Dave. 
You  go  and  question  that  man. 

(DAVID  exits  door  ux.c.j 

GEORGE.  I'm  not  crazy.  Elise  ran  away  because 
you  forced  her  to  write  you  letters  every  day 

AUSTIN.  If  you  haven't  anything  more  sensible 
to  say  than  that,  for  Heaven's  sake,  shut  up.  (To 
JiMj  Jim — fJiM  goes  to  above  sofa  L.) — I  want 
you  to  go  to  the  station  and  find  out 

GEORGE.  I  won't  shut  up.  I  say  Elise  ran  away 
because  you  forced  her  to  write  you  love  letters 
every  day. 

AUSTIN.     They  weren't  love  letters. 

GEORGE.     They  were. 

AUSTIN.     They  weren't. 

GEORGE.     They  were. 

AUSTIN.     They  weren't. 

GEORGE.     They  were.     (Continued  ad  lib.) 

AUSTIN.  Oh,  shut  up.  (To  JIM,  who  comes  to 
above  sofa  Lj  Jim,  you  go  to  the  station  and  find 
out  if  she  bought  a  railroad  ticket,  and  also  find 
out  where  the  trolleys  connect  with  the  trains. 

JIM.     Yes,  sir.     (]IM  exits  u.L.cJ 

AUSTIN.     Tim—  (Tin  goes  to  above  sofa  L.)— 


THE   CHARM    SCHOOL  117 

run  around  to  the  garage,  and  get  my  car  up  and  see 
that  the  tank's  filled. 

TIM.     Right-o.     (TiM  runs  out  ux.cj 

(SALLY  is  seen  at  entrance  on  stairs,  overhears.) 

GEORGE.  (Goes  to  F.  of  desk)  I  dare  say  there 
are  worse  things,  things  I  don't  know  anything  about. 
It  must  have  been  something  pretty  bad  to  make  a 
girl  like  Elise  run  away. 

AUSTIN.  (Turning  to  GEORGE,)  George,  you 
get  right  out  of  here. 

GEORGE.  (Backing  towards  cj  I'll  do  nothing 
of  the  sort. 

AUSTIN.  You  leave  this  room,  or  I'll  put  you 
out. 

GEORGE.     You  try,  you  just  try. 

AUSTIN.     That's  exactly  what  I  mean  to  do. 

SALLY.     (Running  down  the  stairs)     George! 

(Miss  CURTIS   enters  after  SALLY,  goes  to  above 
desk  to  Miss  HAYS.     GEORGE  goes  to  SALLY.,) 

Miss  HAYS.  (To  SALLY)  I  shouldn't  interfere, 
my  dear. 

GEORGE.  (L.  of  sofa  R.J  Sally,  where  has  Elise 
gone? 

AUSTIN.     You  tell  me  everything  you  know. 

SALLY.  (Goes  to  AUSTIN'S  Rj  Oh,  I  don't  know, 
I  don't  know 

AUSTIN.  (L.  of  SALLY J  Sally,  remember  I'm 
head  of  this  school. 

GEORGE.  (To  R.  of  SALLY,)  Sally,  remember,  I'm 
your  brother. 

AUSTIN.     You're  concealing  something  from  me. 

SALLY.     Oh,  no,  Mr.  Bevans. 

AUSTIN.  If  you  don't  tell  me  where  she's  gone 
you'll  leave  this  school. 


ii8  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

SALLY.  (Commences  to  cry)  Oh,  Mr.  Bevans, 

you  wouldn't  expel (Runs  to  Miss  HAYS. 

GEORGE  goes  to  above  SALLY. )  Miss  Hays,  Miss 
Hays,  you  wouldn't  let  him  expel  me. 

Miss  HAYS.  My  dear,  Mr.  Bevans  is  the  head  of 
this  school. 

SALLY.     (Turns  to  AUSTIN )    Oh,  Mr.  Bevansr  s 

AUSTIN.  I'd  expel  you  like  a  shot,  unless  you 
tell  me  where  Elise  has  gone. 

GEORGE.  Well,  I  can't  expel  you,  but  I  can  make 
it  hot  for  you  at  home.  (Pinches  her  arm.) 

SALLY.  Oh,  George!  Oh,  Mr.  Bevans,  I  don't 
know,  not  positively,  only  Elise  has  an  old  nurse 
who's  married  and  lives — in 

AUSTIN  and  GEORGE.     Where — where,  Sally? 

SALLY.     In  Bridgeport. 

GEORGE.  Bridgeport,  Bridgeport.  A  time-table 
for  Bridgeport.  (Runs  out  door  L.  Business  with 
Miss  CURTIS,  turns  and  bumps  into  her,  exits.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Rushes  to  desk  L.)  Oh,  yes,  I 
have  one,  I  have  one  right  here. 

AUSTIN.  But  what's  her  name,  Sally  ?  Stop  cry 
ing.  What's  her  name  ? 

SALLY.     M — M — Maggie. 

AUSTIN.  Maggie,  but  I  can't  go  about  Bridge 
port  asking  for  Maggie  the  nurse.  What's  her  last 
name? 

SALLY.  Oh,  everybody's  got  me  so  upset  I  can't 
think,  but  I  do  think  it's  O'Brien. 

AUSTIN.  Maggie  O'Brien,  Bridgeport.  (Hurries 
off  door  R.  SALLY  follows  to  above  sofa  R.  GEORGE 
runs  in  door  L.  Wearing  his  hat.  SALLY  runs  to 
sofa  LV  kneels,  leaning  over  desk.) 

GEORGE.  (To  0.3 )  Have  you  found  it,  Miss  Cur 
tis? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Yes,  yes,  here  it  is.  What  time  is 
it  now  ? 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  119 

GEORGE  an d  SALLY.     What  time  is  it  now  ? 

GEORGE.  (Looking  at  wrist  watch)  Five  minutes 
of  one,  Miss  Curtis. 

SALLY.     Five  minutes  of  one,  Miss  Curtis. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Five  minutes  of  one,  five  minutes 
of  one,  and  here's  one  at  one  six,  now  if  you  hurry 

you  can  catch  it ( GEORGE  starts  for  door  U.L.) 

Oh,  come  back,  Professor,  come  back,  that  train 
doesn't  go  to  Bridgeport  at  all.  But  here's  one  at 
one-fifteen,  a  very  good  train  that  gets  to  Bridgeport 

at ( GEORGE  again  starts  on  a  run  for  the  door.) 

Oh,  wait,  wait  a  moment,  Professor,  come  back, 
that's  the  Sunday  trains  I've  been  looking  at  all  the 
time.  Now  was'n't  that  stupid  of  me,  dear,  dear. 
A.M.  P.M.  ("SALLY  attempts  to  help  her.)  No,  no, 
now  Sally,  let  me  manage  it,  I  understand  time 
tables.  I  always  did.  Here  it  is,  here's  your  train — 
one-twenty — ( GEORGE  again  starts.) — an  excellent 
train,  does'n't  stop  anywhere.  ("GEORGE  again  returns 
to  sofa  L.,  sinks  on  it  tired  out.) 

Miss  HAYS.  Theodosia,  will  you  please  go  up  to 
Elise's  room  and  see  if  she  has  left  any  clew? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  yes,  indeed  I  will.  Wasn't 
it  stupid  of  me  not  to  have  thought  of  it  before? 
(Exits  upstairs.) 

AUSTIN.  (Enters  door  R.  To  Miss  HAYS,)  I'll 
telegraph  you  from  Bridgeport,  Miss  Hays, 

(TiM  enters  door  u.L.J 

TIM.  Car's  ready,  Austin,  want  me  to  go  with 
you? 

AUSTIN.  Certainly  not.  (TiM  exits  door  U.L. 
To  Miss  HAYS.)  I'm  going  in  the  car. 

GEORGE.  (Rises — L.  of  AUSTIN)  I'll  go  with 
you,  Austin. 

AUSTIN.     (Crossing)     You  will  not. 


120  THE   CHARM    SCHOOL 

GEORGE.  All  right,  then,  all  right,  then.  I'll  go 
on  the  train  and  get  there  first. 

AUSTIN.     (Crossing  toward  D.u.L.cJ     We'll  see. 

GEORGE.  (Follows  him)  Oh,  have  you  got  any 
money  ? 

AUSTIN.  Yes,  thanks.  (Exits  door  U.L.C. 
GEORGE  follows  him  up.) 

GEORGE.  (Starts  toward  Miss  HAYS,  about  to 
ask  her  for  money.  Turns  to  SALLY,)  Have  you 
got  any  money? 

SALLY.     No,  but  I'll  get  some. 


f  MURIEL  enters,  downstairs.) 

MURIEL.     Sally,  what's  the  matter? 
SALLY.     Muriel. 
MURIEL.     What  ? 
SALLY.     Got  any  money? 
MURIEL.     Two  dollars. 

SALLY.  Give  it  to  me.  (Takes  it.  MURIEL 
crosses  to  GEORGE  .) 

( ETHEL  enters,  downstairs.) 

ETHEL.     Sally,  Sally,  what's  all  the  excitement  ? 

SALLY.     Got  any  money,  Ethel? 

ETHEL.     Yes. 

SALLY.  Give  it  to  me.  (The  other  GIRLS  have 
entered,  following  ETHEL  on  stairs.  She  gets  money 
from  each.  Goes  to  GEORGE.,)  There  you  are, 
George.  There's  six  dollars  and  eighty-four  cents. 
That  ought  to  take  you  to  Bridgeport. 

GEORGE.  (Takes  it)  Six  dollars  and  eighty-four 

cents.  Won't  take  me  to  Yonkers (Rushes  off 

door  U.L.C.  The  GIRLS  crowd  around  SALLY,  who 
has  gone  up  after  GEORGE,  asking  questions.) 


THE   CHARM    SCHOOL  121 

GIRLS.     What's  happened,  Sally?     Etc. 
SALLY.     Elise  has  run  away. 

fMiss  CURTIS  enters,  down  the  stairs.) 

Miss  CURTIS.     Eleanor,  Eleanor! 

Miss  HAYS.  (Rises)  Did  you  find  anything  in 
her  room? 

Miss  CURTIS.  No,  no,  not  a  thing,  but  I  just  saw 
Mr.  Bevans  driving  down  the  road — so  fast — so 
recklessly.  Oh,  Eleanor,  I'm  afraid  he'll  be  killed ! 

Miss  HAYS.  (Grabbing  the  telephone)  I'm 
afraid  not! 


CURTAIN 


( GIRLS  rush  to  Miss  HAYS,  asking  questions,     ist 
— Miss  CURTIS  hushes  them.) 

Miss  CURTIS.     Children — children — Miss  Hays  is 
phoning. 

fGiRLS  rush  to  SALLY  up  L.C.    Miss  CURTIS  up  to 
window.     Miss  HAYS  sits.) 

(2nd  Curtain — Miss  CURTIS  goes  to  look  off,  goes 
to  sofa  L.,  sits,  crying.) 


CURTAIN 


ACT  III 

TIME  :     Midnight. 

SCENE  I :     On  the  road. 

In  front  of  the  returns  of  Act  II  set,  hangs 
a  wood  drop  painted  very  dark,  about  ten  feet 
of  the  center  is  cut  out  and  gauzed,  showing  the 
road  through  the  woods,  with  arched  trees  on 
each  side.  The  ceilings  of  Act  II  have  been 
raised,  and  a  very  dark  wood  drop  hangs  about 
ten  feet  back  of  the  front  one,  this  drop  hangs 
inside  the  set. 

In  the  center  of  the  gauge  drop  stands  an  old- 
fashioned  buggy,  the  shafts  have  been  cut  off  to 
about  eight  inches  of  the  whiffle-tree  and  are 
close  to  the  gauze.  An  iron  standard  comes  up 
from  the  whiffle-tree  over  which  are  the  reins. 
The  top  of  the  buggy  is  turned  back  enough  so 
as  not  to  interfere  with  the  lights.  A  front 
curtain  to  the  buggy  is  rolled  up,  the  side  ones 
are  down.  The  buggy  stands  up  and  down 
stage,  the  horse  is  presumably  in  front  of  the 
picture  or  in  the  audience. 

LIGHTS  :  The  two  side  lights  of  the  buggy  are  fas 
tened  to  a  board  which  is  attached  to  the  dash 
board;  they  are  close  together  at  first.  A  me 
chanical  arrangement  which  AUSTIN  works  by 
turning  a  small  crank,  slowly  draws  the  lamps 
apart,  at  the  same  time  opening  the  kodak  shut 
ters  which  have  shut  out  the  light,  giving  the 
effect  of  the  carriage  coming  from  a  distance 
straight  ahead.  Two  very  small  lens  lamps  of 

122 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL  123 

forty-watt  power,  lemon-colored,  come  slow 
ly  up  on  dimmer  to  sufficiently  light  up  the 
faces. 

AT  OPENING:  Every  light  in  stage  is  out.  No 
light  in  foots.  It  is  midnight,  and  very  dark. 
In  the  distance  a  very  faint  sound  is  heard  as 
a  horse  trotting  along  slowly.  Gradually  two 
small  lights  are  seen,  at  first  close  together, 
and  gradually  growing  larger  and  drawing 
apart,  while  the  horse  effect  also  increases, 
drawing  nearer.  The  two  lens  lights  are 
sloivly  brought  up  on  dimmer  to  give  suffi 
cient  light  to  play  in. 

The  first  border,  blue,  which  has  been  way 
down,  is  slowly  brought  up  to  give  a  faint 
light  to  the  sky. 

A  MAN  stands  behind  the  buggy,  and  each 
time  AUSTIN  uses  the  ivhip,  says  "Git  up,"  he 
racks  the  buggy  sideways,  AUSTIN  and  ELISE 
sw'ay  and  lurch  ivith  it,  to  have  the  effect  of 
going  over  a  rough  road.  The  horse  effect 
also  keeps  slowing  up,  and  quickening  with 
AUSTIN. 

DISCOVERED:  AUSTIN  and  ELISE  seated  in  the 
buggy,  AUSTIN  on  R.  of  ELISE. 

AUSTIN.  Get  up,  Man  0'  War.  To  come 
down  from  forty  horsepower  to  one.  Get  up. 

SLISE.  The  poor  horse.  He  seems  rather 
tired,  doesn't  he? 

AUSTIN.     I  have  a  fellow  feeling  for  him. 

ELJSE.  What,  are  you  tired,  too,  Mr.  Bev- 
ans?  Then  why  didn't  you  stay  at  the  hotel? 
Though  I  do  think  this  is  great  fun,  to  drive  all 
night.  Oh,  don't  you  think  it's  all  been  fun? 

AUSTIN.  Fun?  To  be  wandering  about 
Bridgeport  when  there  are  twenty  thousand 
Margaret  O'Briens  in  the  darn  town?  And  then 
to  smash  my  car  on  that  curve-— fun ! 

ELISE.     Well,  you  were  driving  it  rather  fast. 


124  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

AUSTIN.     I  was  in  a  hurry  to  get  you  home. 

ELISE.     I  can't  see  why  there  was  any  great  hurry. 

AUSTIN.  You  don't  seem  to  care  about  the 
anxiety  of  your  uncle  and  Miss  Hays. 

ELISE.  Well,  you  telegraphed  them  that  we  were 
starting. 

AUSTIN.  I  telegraphed  them  that  we  started  from 
Bridgeport  at  nine  o'clock  last  night.  They'll 
think— • —  Oh,  I  don't  know  what  they'll  think. 

ELISE.     They  know  I'm  with  you. 

AUSTIN.     Yes,  they  know  that. 

ELISE.  So  they  won't  worry.  Why  should  they  ? 
Anyhow,  we'll  be  back  as  soon  as  they're  all  awake, 
or  very  soon  after. 

AUSTIN.  If  this  brute  doesn't  fall  asleep  on  the 
road.  Get  up. 

ELISE.  You  mustn't  abuse  him,  Mr.  Bevans.  We 
were  very  lucky  to  get  him,  so  far  from  the  railroad 
station. 

AUSTIN.     How  I  hate  to  drive  a  horse.     Get  up. 

ELISE.  You  do?  Then  I  don't  see  why  you  didn't 
leave  your  car  to  be  mended.  The  man  at  the 
garage  said,  if  he  worked  all  night — (Counts  on  her 
fingers) — it  would  be  done  by  six,  or  certainly  by 
seven. 

AUSTIN.  I  couldn't  trust  him,  he  had  a  mean 
face. 

ELISE.  We  could  have  driven  home  in  an  hour 
or  so,  and  you  could  have  had  your  night's  rest  as 
well.  You  needn't  worry  about  me,  because  I  think 
this  is  lovely,  only  you  don't  seem  to  be  enjoying 
yourself  very  much. 

AUSTIN.     I'm  not. 

ELISE.  (Yawns)  It's  kind  of  lonesome,  enjoy 
ing  it  all  by  myself.  (Pause.)  Didn't  you  think  it 
was  a  good  hotel,  Mr.  Bevans? 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  125 

AUSTIN.  An  excellent  hotel,  Elise,  the  kind  all 
your  friends  stay  at. 

ELISE.  They  do?  Then  I  don't  see  why  you 
didn't 

AUSTIN.  Because,  my  dear  child,  respectable 
hotels  don't  take  in  stray  couples  without  luggage, 
especially  if  they  are  not  married. 

ELISE.     But  why  not  ? 

AUSTIN.  Because,  oh,  because  they  think  they 
ought  to  stay  at  home. 

ELISE.  But  I  think  stray  couples  are  just  the  ones 
who  need  to  be  taken  in  most. 

AUSTIN.     Do  you? 

ELISE.  Do  you  mean  to  say  a  hotel  wouldn't  take 
us  in  just  because  we're  not  married? 

AUSTIN.     Yes,  I  do. 

ELISE.  I  think  the  law  should  compel  a  hotel  to 
take  people  in. 

AUSTIN.     Well,  it  doesn't. 

ELISE.  But  it  wouldn't  have  mattered  with  us 
anyway,  don't  you  remember  the  hotel  man  thought 
we  were  married.  He  said :  "Wouldn't  your  wife 
like  a  cup  of  tea?" 

AUSTIN.  I  didn't  hear  him.  (Cracks  the  whip, 
the  buggy  lurches  'violently.)  Get  up.  Get  up. 

ELISE.     We're  going  pretty  fast. 

AUSTIN.     Well,  we're  going  down  hill.     Whoo. 

ELISE.  This  is  better.  I  hate  tea,  but  I  took  it. 
because  he  made  such  a  beautiful  mistake. 

AUSTIN.     A  very  stupid  mistake. 

ELISE.  Mr.  Bevans,  don't  you  think  there's  go 
ing  to  be  a  thunder  storm? 

AUSTIN.     Why? 

ELISE.  It  seems  as  if  there  was  something  in  the 
air,  like  electricity. 

AUSTIN.  (Looking  out)  Perhaps  there  is  a  lit 
tle — something. 


126  THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

(A  low  rumble  of  thunder  is  heard) 

ELISE.  The  hotel  man  didn't  know  you  were 
a  schoolmaster,  did  he,  Mr.  Bevans  ?  He  thought 
you  were  just  a  young  man. 

AUSTIN.  (Exasperated)  Well,  it's  a  lucky 
thing  I'm  not. 

ELISE.     Not  what? 

AUSTIN.     Not  just  a  young  man. 

ELISE.    (Sleepily)  I  wonder. 

AUSTIN.    iElise,  I  must  speak  to  you  seriously. 

ELISE.  Oh,  I  love  it,  when  you  speak  seri 
ously. 

AUSTIN.  You  ought  not  to  go  about  talking 
to  men  as  you  do.  Of  course,  you  are  safe  with 
me,  but  another  man  might  misunderstand  you. 

ELISE.  I  wouldn't  talk  to  any  other  man,  as 
I  talk  to  you • 

AUSTIN.     I  hope  not. 

ELISE.     I  wouldn't. 

AUSTIN.    You  might. 

(Another  rumble  of  thunder  is  heard,  a  little 
nearer,  the  rain  commences  to  fall  gently) 

©LISE.     No,  no. 

AUSTIN.  I'm  not  a  conventional  man  in  my 
ideas  about  the  position  of  women,  but  I  assure 
you  reserve  is  a  charm  in  a  woman,  if  she  waits 
for  the  man  to  make  the  first  advances 

ELISE.  But  supposing  she  did  wait  and  he 
didn't  make  them? 

AUSTIN.  Then  she  ought  to  wait  a  little 
longer. 

(Another  rumble  of  thunder,  coming  closer. 
The  rain  is  a  little  louder) 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  127 

ELISE.     I'm  terribly  sleepy. 

AUSTIN.     Go  to  sleep  then.    The  horse  has. 

ELISE.     I'd  much  rather  stay  awake  and  talk. 

AUSTIN.     Stay  awake  and  talk  then. 

ELISE.  Then  I'm  afraid  if  I  went  to  sleep  my 
head  might  fall  over  on  your  shoulder.  And  I  sup 
pose  that  would  interfere  with  your  Jrivir^. 

AUSTIN.  Yes,  it  would,  but  if  you  i<Sm  jour  head 
against  the  corner  of  the  buggy,  it  won't  happen. 

ELISE.  (Leans  her  head  against  the  side  of 
buggy)  Like  this? 

AUSTIN.     Yes,  like  that. 

ELISE.  (Fidgeting  about)  That's  not  very  com 
fortable. 

AUSTIN.     It's  the  best  you  can  do. 

(There  is  a  heavy  clap  of  thunder,  the  rain  falls  vio 
lently,  the  storm  is  on  them.  AUSTIN  lowers 
the  front  curtain  of  the  buggy.) 


CURTAIN 


ACT    III 

SCENE  II :     The  school  again. 

DAVID  is  sitting  at  the  left-hand  desk,  with 
the  telephone  receiver  at  his  ear.  He  has  evi 
dently  been  waiting  for  some  time. 

DAVID.     (At  phone  on  desk  L.j     Hello — hello. 

(Miss  CURTIS  enters  door  R.  in  a  great  hurry,  goes 
to  right  desk,  picks  up  receiver.) 

Miss  CURTIS.     Hullo — hullo. 

DAVID.     Hullo. 

Miss  CURTIS.     Hullo — operator. 

DAVID.  Hullo — is  this  Bridgeport?  Is  this  Mrs. 
O'Brien? 

Miss  CURTIS.     Hullo.    Mrs.  O'Brien? 

DAVID.  (Looking  up)  Miss  Curtis,  Miss  Curtis, 
will  you  be  so  kind  as  to  get  off  my  wire  ? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Your  wire?  Oh,  excues  me,  Pro 
fessor,  I  did  not  notice  that  you  were  telephoning. 
Do  forgive  me 

DAVID.  (Into  telephone)  Oh,  hullo.  Yes,  I'm 
trying  to  get  Bridgeport. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  Professor  McKensie,  where 
do  you  think  they  are?  Not  a  word  since  they  left 
Bridgeport  last  night  at  nine.  I'm  so  afraid  they've 
been  killed,  or  something.  And  now  Miss  Hays 
wants  me  to  telegraph  Mr.  Johns  again,  but  I  can't 
see  any  reason  for  getting  him  here — he's  so  un 
sympathetic.  Still,  if  she  wants  him,  I  suppose  I 

128 


C/3 


f 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  129 

must.  (She  takes  up  the  receiver  again.)  Hullo, 
hullo. 

DAVID.     Hullo,  hullo,  Bridgeport  ? 

Miss  CURTIS.     Western  Union,  please. 

DAVID.  Miss  Curtis,  will  you  give  me  no  peace 
on  this  wire? 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  excuse  me,  Professor.  I  quite 
forgot.  How  could  I  be  so  stupid? 

DAVID.  I  don't  know  —  it's  a  miracle.  Hullo— 
hullo  —  Yes,  I  am.  Oh,  it  is,  is  it?  Well,  you  might 
have  told  me  that  half  an  hour  ago.  (Hangs  up  re 
ceiver.  GIRLS  enter  L.J  The  wires  are  down  be 
tween  here  and  Bridgeport  on  account  of  the  storm 
last  night.  Ill  tell  Miss  Hays.  That's  why,  we 
haven't  heard.  (He  goes  out.  During  the  latter  part 
of  the  scene,  the  GIRLS  have  been  tiptoeing  in  — 
ETHEL,  MADGE  and  ALIX,  SALLY,  DOTSIE,  door  L/ 

SALLY.  Oh,  Miss  Curtis  !  Has  anything  new 
happened?  Do  you  know  anything? 

Miss  CURTIS.  No,  dear,  not  a  thing.  (She  hur 
ries  out  R.J 

SALLY.     She  spoke  truth,  then. 


runs  to  SALLY.  ALIX  to  R.  of  seat  R. 
MADGE  F.  of  desk  R.  LILLIE  R.C.  SALLY  at  R. 
of  U.E.  of  sofa  L.  Crosses  to  L.  of  desk  L., 
sits.) 

ETHEL.  (At  L.  end  of  sofa  L.  MURIEL  enters; 
runs  doivn  the  stairs,  to  R.  of  c.)  Oh,  Muriel,  do 
you  know  anything  new? 

MURIEL.  (R.  of  c.2)  Yes,  oh,  my  dear,  even 
Miss  Hays  is  worried. 

(The  GIRLS  all  gather  about  her,  except  SALLY.  J 
GIRLS.     Tell  us,  Muriel,  tell  us. 


£30  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

MURIEL.  Well,  last  night  after  we  had  all  gone 
to  bed  Miss  Hays  got  a  telegram  from  Mr.  Bevans, 
saying  he  had  found  Elise. 

GIRLS.  Where?  Where?  (Dancing  about,  goes 
to  F.  of  desk  R.) 

MURIEL.  (L.  of  c.)  And  that  he  was  leaving 
Bridgeport — in  his  car 

GIRLS.     Yes,  yes 

MURIEL.  That  was  nine  o'clock  last  evening. 
Well,  my  dears,  where  are  they? 

(ALIX  goes  up  c.     MURIEL  x.  to  L.  of  B.C.) 

GIRLS.     I  don't  know.    We  don't  know,  etc. 

ETHEL.     I  wonder 

SALLY.     Ethel ! 

MURIEL.     Sally 

SALLY.     Hu ! 

MURIEL.     I  can  tell  you  what  Miss  Hays  thinks. 

(The  GIRLS  group  about  her.  SALLY  is  sitting  L.  of 
desk.  CHARLOTTE,  ALIX,  MADGE  are  above  her 
and  the  desk.  ETHEL  is  at  piano.  LILLIAN 
stands  R.  of  L.E.  of  S.L.  DOTSIE  is  F.  of  sofa  L.) 

GIRLS.  What — what  does  she  think?  (Run  to 
front  of  desk  L.) 

MURIEL.  (Going  toward  sofa  R.  DOTSIE  runs 
to  her)  She  thinks — they've  eloped. 

GIRLS.  Oh,  I  don't  believe Oh,  what 

fun Do  you  think  she  would  ?  Etc. 

ALIX.  (Dancing  around  the  post  L.c.J  Twins 
want  Sally.  Twins  want  Sally. 

SALLY.  (Crossing  to  F.  of  desk  L.)  Oh,  muzzle 
it! 

(TwiNS  have  followed  DOTSIE  in,  they  stand  just 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  131 

inside  the  door,  are  carrying  hats,  coats,  and 
traveling  bags.) 

JIM.     (Is  R.  of  TIM)    Hist— Sally! 

SALLY.     Oh,  Mr.  Simpkins,  I  can't  come  now 

TIM.     (To  L.  of  post  L.c.J    Just  a  moment,  Sally. 

^MURIEL  pushes  DOTSIE  out  U.L.; 

JIM.  (To  R.  of  post  L.cJ  We've  come  to  say 
good-bye. 

( LILLIAN  is  above  MURIEL.  They  have  come  to  L. 
of  c.  ETHEL  stands  R.c.  ALIX  is  sitting  sofa 
R.  MADGE  is  F.  of  desk  R.) 

GIRLS.     Good-bye!     You're  going  away? 

ETHEL.     Oh!    Where  are  you  going? 

SALLY.  (Leaning  over  desk  L.)  Good-bye! 
Why  are  you  going? 

JIM.  (To  A.R.  of  sofa  L. — puts  hat  and  coat  on 
sofa,  bag  on  floor)  Our  beloved  parent  has  wired 
for  us  to  come  home  to  Poughkeepsie. 

TIM.  (To  A.  desk  L. — puts  hat  and  coat  on  sofa 
— has  left  bag  L.  of  post  L.c.J  Seventy-five  miles 
from  a  decent  cabaret. 

JIM.     (To  SALLY;     Good-bye. 

LILLIAN  and  MURIEL.  ("LILLIAN  is  above  MU 
RIEL  L.  of  c.  They  join  hands  and  dance  backward 
to  R.c.,  singing)  "Vamp  a  little  lady." 

JIM.     (Going  to  R.  of  c.)    Good-bye,  girls. 

GIRLS.     Good-bye. 

LILLIAN.  Oh,  Mr.  Simpkins,  I'll  never  forget 
what  you  taught  me — that  little  step,  you  know. 
(She  goes  into  his  arms — dances,  turns  him  about — 
SALLY  comes  to  L.C. — TIM  comes  down  L,  to  F.  of 
sofa  L.; 


132  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

ETHEL.  (Crossing  to  L.  of  JIM)  We'll  miss  you 
a  lot,  Mr.  Simpkins.  (Arm  through  his.) 

SALLY.     Hm ! 

JIM.  (Releases  himself  from  LILLIAN  and  MU 
RIEL,  goes  toward  SALLY)  Oh,  Sally,  could  I  have 
just  a  word  with  you? 

SALLY.  (L.C.J  But  Professor  McKensie  will  be 
here  any  time  now 

MURIEL.     We'll  let  you  know  when  he's  coming. 

his 


MADGE. 

VV  C  11 

We'll 

whistle 

when 

he 

leaves 

study  

MURIEL. 

That 

's 

a  good 

idea,  we' 

11  whistle. 

(The  GIRLS  run  to  various  observation  posts.  LIL 
LIAN  to  door  L.  MADGE  to  door  U.L.C.  ALIX 
upstairs.  ETHEL  to  door  RV  holds  door  open, 
leaning  out.  MURIEL  upstairs.  SALLY  crosses 
to  R.  of  c.) 

JIM  (Going  to  SALLY'S  L.)  Sally,  we  just  wanted 
to  say  good-bye. 

SALLY.  (R.  of  c.)  I'm  so  sorry  you're  going. 
School  won't  seem  like  school  without  you. 

TIM.     (L.  of  JiMJ     Without  which  of  us,  Sally? 

SALLY.  Without  both  of  you.  (Goes  to  sofa  R.J 
Aren't  parents  simply  fierce  ? 

TIM.     You  can't  get  up  any  argument  on  that. 

JIM.  Sally,  we  just  wanted  to  say  that  we  think 
you  are  the  finest  girl  we  ever  saw — and  we've  seen 
a  good  many  in  our  time. 

TIM.     (L.  of  JIM)     That's  right,  we  have. 

JIM.  (Moves  to  her)  Sally,  maybe  we'll  meet 
again  some  day. 

SALLY.  Oh,  I  don't  know.  I  feel  awfully  dis 
couraged.  My  family  want  me  to  go  to  college. 

JIM.     To  college — well,  don't  you  do  it — it's  just 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  133 

four  years  wasted,  that's  all,  and  Sally,  they  don't 
teach  you  charm  at  college. 

TIM.     No,  nor  to  do  your  hair  like  that. 

JIM.     Nor  to  dance  the  way  I  taught  you. 

TIM.  My  dear  Sally,  you  wouldn't  like  college 
at  all. 

SALLY.  (Disgusted — sits  R.  arm  of  sofa  R.J  I 
never  said  I  would.  But  my  mother  has  always 
wanted  me  to  go  to  Vassar 

TIM.     To  Vassar?     Oh,  that's  different. 

SALLY.     Why  is  it? 

JIM.  (Goes  to  sofa  Rv  one  knee  on  it)  Because 
we  live  in  Poughkeepsie. 

TIM.  (Goes  to  them)  And  Vassar's  in  Pough 
keepsie. 

BOTH  BOYS.     Oh,  Sally,  do  go  to  college. 

TIM.  You'd  see  us  steadily  for  four  years  then, 
Sally. 

JIM.  And  then,  perhaps,  you  could  make  up  your 
mind,  which  one  of  us  you  liked  best. 

SALLY.  I  don't  see  how  I  ever  could,  you're  both 
so  perfect. 

TIM  and  JIM.     Sally 

("MADGE  whistles.) 
SALLY.     Somebody's  coming. 
("TWINS  rushy  pick  up  their  bags,  coats  and  hats.) 

TIM.     (Going  out)    Come  on,  Jim. 

JIM.     Good-bye,    Sally (Good-bye — ad  lib. 

TWINS  rush  out  door  L.) 

("Miss  CURTIS  enters  door  R.J 

Miss  CURTIS.  (At  telephone)  Western  Union, 
please.  Please  give  me  Western  Union 


134  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

( GIRLS  crowd  around  her  to  hear  what  she  is  do 
ing.    Enter  MR.  JOHNS. ) 

JOHNS.     Where's  Bevans? 

Miss  CURTIS.     Oh,  Mr.  Johns,  we  don't  know. 

JOHNS.  Teach  girls  charm — teach  'em  to  be 
vagrants. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (E.c.2)  Oh,  Mr.  Johns,  remem 
ber  the  young  ladies  are  present. 

JOHNS.  Think  parents  pay  you  to  lose  their  chil 
dren  for  them !  This  is  the  worst  kind  of  a  school. 
(Turns  L.  of  P.E.) 

(GIRLS  ad  lib. — confusion — go  up  toward  c.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Crossing  to  the  GIRLSJ  You'd 
better  go,  my  dears,  you'd  better  go. 

(The  GIRLS  don't  want  to  go,  but  she  "gathers" 
them  off  door  R.) 

(Miss  CURTIS  goes  R.  of  desk  R.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  (To  c.)  It  will  be  all  right,  Mr. 
Johns.  Mr.  Bevans  will  find  her.  He  always  does 
whatever  he  undertakes  to  do. 

JOHNS.  No,  he  does  not.  He  undertook  to  take 
girls  off  their  parents'  hands — save  'em  all  trouble, 
and  I  have  to  come  back  from  a  business  trip  be 
cause  he  loses  my  niece  the  first  crack  out  of  the 
box.  (Crossing  to  sofa  R.)  I  say  this  is  the  worst 
kind  of  a  school 

Miss  CURTIS.  (R.  of  desk  R. — Screams)  Oh, 
Mr.  Johns. 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  135 

(Miss  HAYS  enters  down  the  stairs  R.  and  the  words 
die  away  on  his  lips.) 

Miss  HAYS.  (On  stairs — to  JOHNS )  I  thought 
it  was  you.  (To  Miss  CURTIS .)  You  see,  Theo- 
dosia,  I  recognized  Mr.  Johns'  voice.  ( JOHNS  turns 
to  her,  then  goes  to  piano,  throws  his  cap  on  it — 
Miss  HAYS  comes  down  R.C.)  I  should  like  to  speak 
to  Mr.  Johns  alone,  if  you  don't  mind. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (Crossing  F.  to  her  R.)  Call  me, 
Eleanor,  if  you  need  me. 

(Miss  HAYS  waves  her  away.    Miss  CURTIS  exits 
door  L.) 

JOHNS.  (To  L.  of  Miss  HAYS,)  Well,  Eleanor, 
this  must  be  a  pretty  serious  situation,  if  you  are 
at  last  willing  to  speak  a  word  to  me. 

Miss  HAYS.  (R.  of  c.)  It  is  serious.  Elise  has 
done  the  most  foolish  thing  a  woman  can  do.  She's 
taken  a  man  seriously. 

JOHNS,  (c.)  Bless  my  soul,  Eleanor.  You 
haven't  changed  a  bit ! 

Miss  HAYS.  Oh,  yes,  I  have.  I  haven't  taught 
school  all  these  years  and  not  learned  something. 

JOHNS.  I  thought  you  knew  all  there  was  to 
know. 

Miss  HAYS.  I  knew  everything  about  you, 
Homer. 

JOHNS.     No,  you  didn't  either. 

Miss  HAYS.  Oh,  was  there  more  to  know  than 
came  out  in  court? 

JOHNS.  No, — yes — at  least,  but  that  isn't  what 
I  mean 

Miss  HAYS.  You  didn't  come  here  to  discuss  our 
affairs. 

JOHNS.     No,  no.    Of  course  not. 


136  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

Miss  HAYS.  Elise  disappeared  yesterday  and 
Mr.  Bevans  started  at  once — 

JOHNS.     Why  didn't  you  start? 

Miss  HAYS.  I  ?  I  couldn't  leave  the  school  with 
out  a  responsible  head.  I  have  duties  to  other  par 
ents  and  guardians — (Crosses  R.  of  desk  RV  gets  her 
bag) — besides  you,  Homer. 

JOHNS.     Now  isn't  that  just  like  you? 

Miss  HAYS.     What? 

JOHNS.  You  remembered  your  obligations  to  the 
other  parents.  But  you  never  thought  of  me  at  all. 

Miss  HAYS.  You  mean,  I  should  have  thought 
only  of  you ! 

JOHNS.     Certainly. 

Miss  HAYS.     You're  just  as  egotistical  as  ever. 

JOHNS.  Egotistical  for  a  man  to  want  his  wife  to 
prefer  him  to  anyone  else. 

Miss  HAYS.     I'm  not  your  wife. 

JOHNS.    But  you  are. 

Miss  HAYS.  (Crosses — F.  of  P.B.J  Oh,  for  such 
a  short  time,  so  very  long  ago. 

JOHNS.  So  long  ago  that  you've  forgotten  all 
about  it  ? 

Miss  HAYS.  Oh,  no.  I  have  an  excellent  mem 
ory — for  trifles. 

JOHNS.  You're  the  most  irritating  woman  I  ever 
knew. 

Miss  HAYS.  (Goes  to  him)  Homer,  will  you 
stop  thinking  about  yourself,  and  consider  the  ter 
rible  situation Listen,  Homer. 

JOHNS.     Well? 

Miss  HAYS.  Mr.  Bevans  found  her  and  they  left 
Bridgeport  last  night  at  nine  o'clock  in  his  motor. 

JOHNS.  (R.  of  p.sj  Last  night?  You're  afraid 
there's  been  a  motor  accident? 

Miss  HAYS.  I'm  afraid  of  something  much  more 
serious  than  that. 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  137 

JOHNS.  Why,  nonsense,  Eleanor!  You  iet  your 
hatred  of  men  run  away  with  your  judgment. 
Bevans  is  a  dependable  young  chap. 

Miss  HAYS.  (F.  of  P.E.)  No  man  is  dependable 
where  a  pretty  girl  is  concerned. 

JOHNS.  Oh,  you  mustn't  judge  all  men  by  me, 
Eleanor. 

Miss  HAYS.  Elise  has  fallen  terribly  in  love  with 
him. 

JOHNS.  She  has?  Good!  The  school  is  mine 
then.  But  what  do  you  know  about  love,  Eleanor? 
You  never  felt  it. 

Miss  HAYS.  Homer,  can't  you  ever  stick  for  five 
minutes  to  what  you  are  discussing?  (Starts  toward 
door  u.L.cJ 

JOHNS.  Eleanor,  you  said  that  just  as  if  you 
were  married  to  me. 

Miss  HAYS.  (Turns  to  him)  Well,  I'm  very 
thankful  I'm  not. 

JOHNS.     You've  got  nothing  on  me. 

Miss  HAYS.  (Coming  to  R.  of  sofa  L.)  Then  if 
we're  both  absolutely  agreed,  I  don't  see  why  we 
can't  be  civil  to  each  other  hereafter. 

JOHNS.  We  can.  I  don't  believe  you  know  how 
friendly  I  feel  toward  you.  Why  do  you  suppose  I 
sent  Elise  here?  Why  do  you  suppose  I  went  chas 
ing  after  that  fellow  Bevans — except  to  be  sure  that 
the  school  would  come  to  you  in  the  end 

Miss  HAYS.     (Goes  to  L.  of  P.B.)    To  me? 

JOHNS.  Certainly.  .  .  .  That's  what  you  want, 
isn't  it? 

Miss  HAYS.  More  than  anything  else  in  the 
world.  It's  always  been  my  dream — 

JOHNS.  Is  that  the  best  you  can  do  in  the  way  of 
a  dream  ? 

Miss  HAYS.  It's  a  wonderful  dream,  Homer,  for 
a  woman  who  has  no  children  of  her  own,  to  take 


138  THE   CHARM    SCHOOL 

half  a  hundred  of  other  people's  children  and  teach 
them  and  train  them  and  love  them,  and  have  them 
love  you (Going  to  F.  of  desk  L.) 

JOHNS.  You'd  like  it,  eh?  Well,  you  certainly 
shall  have  it. 

Miss  HAYS.  But  how  can  you  get  rid  of  this  boy  ? 
(Turns  to  JOHNS.,)  Why,  you  can't. 

JOHNS.  I  can't  ?  I  can't  get  rid  of  a  young  fellow 
in  order  to  give  you  something  you  want?  Of 
course,  I  can. 

f  Miss  CURTIS  enters  L.) 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  Eleanor,  Eleanor,  they're  here. 
They've  just  driven  up  in  the  funniest  old  buggy. 
Oh,  I  knew  Mr.  Bevans  would  bring  her  back.  (x. 
to*.) 

(Enter  AUSTIN,  ELISE  and  GEORGE.,) 

Miss  HAYS.  Elise — my  child — where  have  you 
been?  Mr.  Bevans  .  .  . 

AUSTIN.  I've  been  driving,  Miss  Hays,  a — a  slow 
horse  thirty-five  miles,  and  I  can  tell  you  it's  no 
joke (Ad  lib.  Together.) 

ELISE.  Oh,  Miss  Hays,  it  was  so  wonderful  driv 
ing  all  night  through  the  storm.  I  never  knew  any 
thing  so  wonderful.  (Ad  lib.) 

GEORGE.  Yes,  you  may  as  well  ask  where  we've 
been.  Austin  wrecked  his  car  with  his  reckless  driv 
ing.  I  ask  you,  is  that  any  way  to  drive  a  car? 
(Ad  lib.) 

JOHNS.  Hold  on,  hold  on.  One  at  a  time. 
Where  have  you  been?  (They  all  start  to  speak  to 
gether  again.)  Wait,  wait.  Bevans,  where  have 
you  been? 

AUSTIN.  My  car  broke  down  outside  Bridgeport, 
Mr.  Johns,  and  I've  been  driving  a  horse  back. 


THE   CHARM    SCHOOL  139 

ELISE.  Yes,  Mr.  Bevans  wouldn't  stop  anywhere 
though  we  passed  some  of  the  loveliest  hotels.  (Sits 
bench  c.) 

Miss  HAYS.  Elise!  Were  you  with  them  in 
Bridgeport,  Mr.  Boyd? 

GEORGE.  Bridgeport — I  never  got  to  Bridgeport, 
They  picked  me  up  at  the  gate. 

Miss  HAYS.     At  the  gate ! 

GEORGE.  Yes,  I  was  walking  home. — I  never  got 
to  Bridgeport. 

Miss  HAYS.  I  understood  you  were  going  to 
Bridgeport. 

GEORGE.  I  was.  When  I  left  here  I  took  a  taxi, 
and  finding  I'd  missed  the  train,  I  told  the  man  to 
drive  to  Portchester,  so  that  I  could  catch  an  ex 
press.  It  happened  that  I  had  only  six  dollars  and 
eighty-four  cents,  and  I  sat  there  and  watched  that 
darned — I  beg  your  pardon — that  meter  go  up  to 
five  dollars  and  six  dollars  and  when  it  got  to  six- 
fifty  I  was  still  a  mile  from  Portchester.  Well,  I 
let  him  go  on  thinking  I  could  make  him  accept 
what  I  had,  but  when  I  got  out  at  Portchester  and 
gave  him  all  I  had,  he  turned  out  to  be  one  of  these 
disagreeable  people  who  won't  listen  to  reason. 

JOHNS.  You  mean  he  wanted  you  to  pay  what 
you  owed. 

GEORGE.  Yes,  he  wouldn't  compromise  and  when 
I  said  his  meter  was  wrong — that  was  a  mistake,  he 
had  me  arrested. 

JOHNS.    Arrested! 

GEORGE.  Just  as  the  train  pulled  into  the  station 
and  I  spent  the  whole  night  in  jail. 

JOHNS.     How  did  you  get  out? 

GEORGE.  Oh,  the  judge  dismissed  the  case  at 
once — said  the  driver  hadn't  exercised  ordinary  pre 
caution  in  picking  up  such  a  fare. 


140  THE   CHARM    SCHOOL 

JOHNS.  There,  young-  lady— see  all  the  trouble 
you  made.  Why  did  you  want  to  go  careering — 
(ELISE  and  Miss  HAYS  x.  to  sofa  ~L.) — over  the 
countryside,  anyhow  ?  (GEORGE  exits  L .) 

AUSTIN.  (Crosses  to  L.  of  JOHNS,)  Please  don't 
shout  at  Elise,  Mr.  Johns. 

JOHNS.     (R.C.)    What's  that? 

AUSTIN.     Please  don't  shout. 

JOHNS.     What's  that? 

AUSTIN.     Please  don't  shout. 

JOHNS.     Well,  I  will  shout. 

AUSTIN.  Then  shout,  then.  Elise  has  been  under 
a  great  strain,  and  it's  not  good  for  her  to  be 
shouted  at. 

ELISE.     No,  uncle,  he's  perfectly  right. 

JOHNS.  You  think  that  because  you've  run  a 
school  for  a  few  weeks  you  know  more  about  girls 
than  I  do  ? 

AUSTIN.  I  know  I  know  more  about  girls  than 
you  do« 

ELISE.     Why,  uncle,  he  certainly  does. 

JOHNS.  Well,  let  me  tell  you,  sir,  that  I'm  in  a 
position  to  make  you  or  break  you,  and  the  first  thing 
you  know  I'll  break  you.  Is  that  clear? 

AUSTIN.  Perfectly  clear,  Mr.  Johns.  And  if  I 
could  put  my  mind  on  it,  I  dare  say  I  should  be 
sorry,  but  as  it  is,  it  doesn't  seem  to  matter  because 
I  have  so  many  other  things  to  think  about. 

JOHNS.  I  suppose  you  mean  the  fact  that  you've 
lost  your  school? 

AUSTIN.    Lost  my  school? 

JOHNS.  Certainly.  Didn't  I  make  the  condition 
that  none  of  your  pupils  should  fall  in — love  with 
you? 


AUSTIN.     Yes,  you  did,  but- 


JOHNS.     Well,  one  of  your  pupils  has  made  a  fool 
of  herself  over  you,  hasn't  she? 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  141 


AUSTIN.     Yes,  but- 


ELISE.     Oh,  Mr.  Bevans. 

JOHNS.  I've  decided  to  foreclose — take  over  the 
school — put  Miss  Hays  in  charge.  This  is  the  future 
principal  of  the  Fairview  School. 

AUSTIN.     You  have  no  right  to  do  this. 

JOHNS.     No  right? 

AUSTIN.  Oh,  legally  you  may  have  the  right  and 
power,  too,  but  morally,  you  haven't.  This  school 
came  to  me  and  I  put  everything  I  had  into  it — 
time,  energy,  thought,  all  my  money 

JOHNS.     Eh? 

AUSTIN.  Well,  your  money.  And  I've  made  it 
go,  I've  made  it  succeed,  and  it's  mine.  No  one 
ought  to  have  the  right  to  take  it  from  me. 

JOHNS.  Look  here,  young  man.  I  want  this 
school,  but  I'll  make  you  a  proposition !  I'll  give  you 
ten  thousand  down  for  your  interest.  I'll  acknowl 
edge  that  your  ideas  have  been  a  howling  success. 
I'll  guarantee  to  put  them — most  of  them  in  effect, 
and  I'll  give  you  a  new  job. 

AUSTIN.  No,  I  don't  want  your  job.  I  want  to 
go  on  with  my  school. 

JOHNS.     Well,  you  can't  do  that. 

AUSTIN.  Then  keep  your  old  job,  and  111  go 
back  to  selling  automobiles.  (Exit.) 

('Miss  CURTIS  enters  R.  ) 
JOHNS.     There's  a  very  pigheaded  young  man. 

(ELISE  starts  to  -follow  AUSTIN — JOHNS  catches  her 
hand.     Circles  around  post,  lands  R.cJ 

ELISE.  Uncle,  dear,  Mr.  Bevans  did  not  mean  ex 
actly  to  refuse  that  job. 


142  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

JOHNS.  He  didn't,  didn't  he?  Well,  it  sounded 
like  it. 

ELISE.     I  think  you'll  find  he  changes  his  mind. 

JOHNS.     What  do  you  know  about  it? 

ELISE.  You'll  keep  it  open  for  him  a  little  while, 
won't  you? 

JOHNS.  (R.C.)  Well,  I  might  a  reasonable  length 
of  time. 

(Miss  CURTIS  goes  down  R.  to  F.  of  desk.) 

ELISE.  (R.  of  JOHNS,)  Oh,  uncle,  you  are  a 
darling  old  lamb.  (Kisses  him.) 

JOHNS.  No  one  ever  called  me  that  before. 
(ELISE  goes  to  E.  of  P.)  Oh,  Miss  Hays,  before  I 
go  may  I  have  a  word  with  you  in  private — about 
the  general  policy  of  the  school? 

Miss  HAYS.  (Crossing — door  R.)  Certainly,  Mr. 
Johns.  Will  you  come  to  my  office  ?  As  my  man  of 
business  I  have  the  greatest  admiration  for  your 
organizing  powers 

JOHNS.  Well,  that's  something!  (Exit  Miss 
HAYS  R.J 

Miss  CURTIS.  (As  JOHNS  follows  Miss  HAYSJ 
One  moment,  Mr.  Johns.  ( Comes  to  F.  of  sofa  R. 
JOHNS  on  her  L.J  Please  forgive  me,  but  isn't  Mr. 
Bevans  the  head  of  this  school  any  more? 

JOHNS.  No,  Miss  Curtis,  Miss  Hays  is  in  charge 
now. 

Miss  CURTIS.  You  mean,  he  won't  be  here  any 
more? 

JOHNS.  Never  should  have  been  here  at  all. 
(Exit  JOHNS  R.) 

(Enter  AUSTIN  L.J 
AUSTIN.     (L,  of  u.  end  of  P.B.J    Miss  Curtis,  if 


THE    CHARM    SCHOOL  143 

I  may  trouble  you  for  the  last  time,  will  you  tell 
Mr.  MacKenzie. 

Miss  CURTIS.  Oh,  Mr.  Bevans,  I'm  so  sorry  to 
hear  that  we  are  to  lose  you. 

AUSTIN.  Thank  you,  Miss  Curtis.  I'm  glad 
some  one  is  sorry. 

Miss  CURTIS.     I — we  shall  miss  you. 

AUSTIN.  And  I  shall  miss  you.  I  shall  never 
forget  your  loyalty  and  devotion. 

Miss  CURTIS.  And  I  shall  never  forget  you,  Mr. 
Bevans.  (Starts  toward  door.) 

ELISE.  (On  the  first  step  of  the  stairs)  Don't 
worry,  Miss  Curtis,  I  know  just  how  you  feel. 

Miss  CURTIS.  (At  door  R.)  No,  you  don't,  my 
dear,  nobody  could.  Good-bye,  Mr.  Bevans.  (Ex 
its  door  R.}  hardly  able  to  keep  back  the  tears.  AUS 
TIN  turns  to  go  L.) 

^GEORGE  enters  door  L. — x.  to  ELISE  R.C. — AUSTIN 
goes  up  L.C.,  gets  coat.) 

GEORGE.  Elise,  I  don't  exactly  understand  what 
they  meant  about  one  of  the  pupils  having  fallen  in 
love  with  him — they  didn't  mean  you,  did  they  ? 

ELISE.  *  Dear  George. 

GEORGE.  You  ran  away  to  avoid  his  attentions, 
didn't  you? 

ELISE.     Just  the  other  way,  George. 

GEORGE.     But  Elise,  I  loved  you  first. 

ELISE.  It  wouldn't  have  mattered  if  you  had 
loved  me  a  thousand  years. 

GEORGE.  Oh, It's  all  right,  Elise;  it  isn't 

your  fault — I  know  now  why  Austin  wanted  to 
teach  girls  charm — it's  the  greatest  thing  in  the 
world — you  can  do  anything,  if  you  have  it — and  I 
didn't  have  it — and  I  guess  I  never  will.  Good 
bye,  Elise. 


144  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

ELISE.  Good-bye,  George  dear.  (She  shows  a 
strong  inclination  to  kiss  him  good-bye,  but  he  real 
izes  and  goes  to  above  sofa  L.  ELISE  goes  to  piano.) 

GEORGE.  (F.  of  post  L.c.J  Oh,  Austin,  have  you 
got  any  money  ? 

AUSTIN.     (Above  desk  L.)    Ten  be  enough? 

GEORGE.     Plenty.    The  rent's  paid  till  the  autumn. 

AUSTIN.  Get  things  started,  George,  I'll  be  back 
in  a  few  days  myself. 

( GEORGE  exits  door  U.L.C.    AUSTIN  crossing  toward 
door  R.J 

ELISE.     May  I  speak  to  you,  Mr.  Bevans? 
AUSTIN.     No — no —         You  may  never  speak  to 

me. 

ELISE.  Oh,  Mr.  Bevans,  you  weren  t  so  cross  to 
me  when  we  stopped  for  breakfast  this  morning, 
and  you  said  that  wonderful  thing— 

AUSTIN.     I  don't  remember  the  incident. 

ELISE.     You  said,  "Aren't  you  hungry,  dear?" 

AUSTIN.     It  was  a  slip  of  the  tongue. 

ELISE.    But  you  said  it  as  if  you  meant  it. 

AUSTIN.  I  did  mean  part  of  it.  I  was  hungry 
myself. 

ELISE.     And   didn't   you    rather   like   it   when 
poured  out  your  coffee  for  you? 

AUSTIN.  I  was  glad  to  get  the  coffee.  (He  starts 
to  go.) 

ELISE.     Oh,  where  are  you  going? 

AUSTIN.  Having  lost  this  school,  thanks  to  you5 
I'm  going  to  New  York  to  get  back  my  old  job. 

ELISE.     Oh,  you  needn't  bother  about  that. 

AUSTIN.     I  needn't  bother  about  that? 

ELISE.     No,  uncle  is  keeping  that  job  for  you. 

AUSTIN.     I  told  him  I  didn't  want  it. 

ELISE.     Yes,  but  I  fixed  it. 


THE   CHARM    SCHOOL  145 

AusTiNt     You  fixed  it? 

ELISE.     Yes,  I  told  him  you'd  change  your  mind. 

AUSTIN.  (Loudly,  throws  hat  on  sofa  L.  with 
coat)  How  did  you  know  I'd  change  my  mind? 

ELISE.  Oh,  you  just  told  my  uncle  I  wasn't  to  be 
shouted  at 

AUSTIN.  You're  the  sort  of  girl  ought  to  be 
shouted  at !  You're  the  sort  of  girl  ought  to  be  sent 
to  a  nunnery,  not  a  boarding-school.  Look  what 
you've  done  in  the  last  twenty-four  hours.  You've 
made  me  quarrel  with  one  of  my  oldest  friends. 
You've  taken  me  away  from  my  work,  and  you've 
ruined  my  school.  You're  the  most  silly,  reckless, 
obstinate  girl  I  ever  knew — but  you  have  got  charm. 
(He  catches  her  in  his  arms  and  kisses  her.) 


CURTAIN 


ist  Picture:    They  are  still  in  each  other's  amis. 
2nd  Picture:    They  cmne  down  the  stairs  one  on 
each  step;  they  lean  far  over  the  bannister  to  see. 


CURTAIN 


146  THE    CHARM    SCHOOL 

This  play  can  be  played  in  its  present  form  with 
one  less  male  character  and  two  or  more  less  female 
characters :  i.e. 

NOTE:  Jim  and  Tim  speak  most  of  their  lines  in 
unison,  the  few  separate  lines  which  each  has, 
have  been  combined  in  another  part  so  that  they 
can  be  played  as  one  part. 

The  school  girls  are  there  largely  for  local 
color.  If  it  is  desired  to  cut  the  number  down, 
Dotsy  and  Madge  can  be  eliminated  entirely  by 
the  Madge  lines  given  to  one  of  the  other  girls. 

The  buggy  scene  was  inserted  after  the  piece  had 
been  played  several  weeks,  and  the  entire  scene,  if 
advisable,  can  be  cut  out  without  any  change  in  the 
dialogue  of  the  succeeding  scene.  The  only  difficulty 
with  the  buggy  scene  would  be  the  arrangement  of 
the  lights;  but,  if  that  could  be  overcome,  it  would 
be  advisable  to  keep  this  scene  in,  because  of  its  un 
usual  quality  and  the  charm  of  the  dialogue,  which 
constitutes  a  very  good  love  scene. 

Changes  in  lines  and  cues  when  the  parts  of  Jim 
and  Tim  are  played  as  one. 


ACT  I 

All  characters  use  "Jim"  in  place  of  "Tim." 

All  characters  use  "Jim"  in  place  of  "Twins." 

David — Page  3 — Cut — and  Tim. 

Austin — Page  1 1 — Cut — I  guess  it  would  take  two 
of  you  to  do  it.  Use — Well,  I  guess  you'll  have  to 
keep  on  wanting.  (Go  into  speech.) 

Johns — Page  27 — Cut — Poughkeepsie — The  Smith 
Brothers  without  the  beards. 


§ 


X 

o 

U) 


HOWDY  STRANGER 

Farce-comedy.  3  acts.  By  Robert  Sloane  and  Louis 
Pelletier,  Jr.  16  males,  9  females.  Interior  and  ex 
terior.  Modern  costumes. 

First  produced  at  Longacre  Theatre,  New  York,  with  Frank 
Parker  in  the  leading  role.  "Elly"  Jordan,  a  Brooklyn  guitar 
player  and  singer  with  a  ridiculously  unreasonable  fear  of 
animals,  gets  a  job  on  a  dude  ranch  in  Cody,  Wyoming. 
Plagued  by  the  various  chickens,  horses  and  cows  on  hand, 
he  manages,  with  the  aid  of  a  young  cowgirl  who  runs  the 
ranch,  to  adjust  himself  to  the  West  by  dressing  in  cowboy 
clothes  and  ridding  himself  of  his  New  York  accent.  Hilari 
ously  farcical  situations  pile  up  when  Roy  Chadwick,  a  Jewish 
theatrical  agent,  mistakes  "Elly"  for  a  true  westerner,  packs 
him  off  to  New  York  as  a  singing  cowboy  and  makes  him  a 
sensational  radio  star  in  three  months'  time.  Chadwick 's  head 
begins  to  ache  when  he  learns  that  "Elly"  is  a  fake.  Things 
look  blackest  for  Chadwick  when  "Elly"  refuses  to  ride  a 
horse  at  the  rodeo  in  order  to  cash  in  on  a  fat  movie  contract 
before  the  hoax  is  discovered.  However,  the  day  is  saved  when 
a  psychology  professor  hypnotizes  "Elly"  into  forgetting  his 
phobia  temporarily.  "Elly,"  in  a  hypnotic  state,  wins  the 
rodeo's  bull  dogging  contest  in  record  time,  a  feat  which  wins 
the  girl,  the  picture  contract  and  the  acclaim  of  the  press. 

(Royalty,  $25.00.)  Price,  75  cents. 

HELP  YOURSELF 

Farce.  3  acts.  By  Paul  Vulpius.  Adapted  by  John 
J.  Coman.  13  males,  5  females  (extras).  3  interiors. 
Modern  costumes. 

Produced,  with  marked  success,  by  the  Federal  Theatre  in 
New  York.  It  is  the  contention  of  Help  Yourself  that  bluff  is 
the  most  important  requisite  to  business  success.  Its  hero  is 
a  penniless  and  unemployed  young  man  who  decides  to  get 
an  adequate  job  by  strategy  and  so  he  moves  into  a  bank,  gets 
himself  a  desk,  presents  himself  as  an  expert  on  the  Kubinski 
matter  and  proceeds  to  behave  as  if  he  were  the  treasured 
member  of  the  organization.  None  of  the  bank  officials  knows 
what  the  Kubinski  matter  is,  but  neither  the  president  nor  the 
head  of  the  board  of  directors  is  willing  to  confess  his  igno 
rance.  Of  course,  in  the  manner  of  the  good,  old-time  success 
stories,  such  enterprise  is  richly  rewarded  and  there  is  a  certain 
pleasant  nostalgia  about  the  resulting  happy  ending. 

(Royalty,  $25.00.)  Price,  75  cents. 


CHARITY  BEGINS 

Comedy.  3  acts.  By  Ireland  Wood..  3  males,  7  fe 
males.  Interior.  Modern  costumes. 

First  produced  at  the  Aldwych  Theatre  in  London.  The 
Deveral  household  consists  of  old  Mrs.  Deveral,  her  middle- 
aged  children— Agnes  who  is  efficient,  Emily  who  is  muddle- 
headed,  and  Henry  who  is  fussy— and  Judy  Deveral,  her  grand 
daughter.  Rodney  Walter,  Henry's  agent,  is  making  love  to 
Judy,  and  she  prefers  him  to  the  young  and  unsophisticated 
Bobbie  Forrester,  who  also  loves  her.  It  is  Judy's  eighteenth 
birthday,  and  her  relations  feel  that  it  is  time  to  tell  her  about 
Aunt  Catherine,  the  black  sheep  of  the  family,  who  is  sup 
posed  to  have  run  off  with  another  woman's  husband.  It  is 
the  day  of  the  village  bazaar,  and  amid  a  lot  of  hustle  and 
bustle  Catherine  enters— the  prodigal  daughter  most  inop 
portunely  returned!  As  the  day  progresses  Old  Mrs.  Deveral 
becomes  fractious,  the  Fete  entertainment  falls  through  and 
Judy  decides  to  run  away  with  the  unpleasant  Rodney.  Things 
are  going  from  bad  to  worse  when  Catherine  steps  in.  She 
pacifies  her  mother,  gives  a  talk  on  her  experiences  to  the 
Village  audience,  and  convinces  Judy  that  Bobbie  is  nicer 
than  Rodney.  We  hear,  incidentally,  that  she  never  actually 
eloped  with  her  Philip  after  all. 

(Royalty,  $15.00.)  Price,  75  cents. 

THE  GHOST  FLIES  SOUTH 

Comedy.  3  acts.  By  Frederick  Jackson.  4  males,  7 
females.  Interior.  Modern  costumes. 

Anita  and  Diana,  who  have  been  reared  to  regard  gambling 
as  something  of  a  major  vice,  decide  to  gamble  on  the  stock 
market  regardless,  and  with  beginner's  luck  they  win  four 
hundred  thousand  dollars.  In  order  to  keep  Morgan,  an  anti- 
gambling  addict  and  Anita's  fiance,  from  discovering  the 
situation  they  tell  him  that  the  money  was  left  Anita  by  an 
Uncle  William  who  died  in  the  west.  The  little  lies  grow  be 
yond  the  control  of  the  two  girls  in  an  amusing  series  of 
climaxes.  Most  amusing  and  concerned  is  Grandma,  who  has 
to  be  convinced  that  she  had  a  son  William.  Morgan  finally 
sees  a  flaw  and  hires  a  cowboy  and  an  Indian  squaw— actors— 
to  come  and  blackmail  Anita  for  half  the  money.  They  are  to 
represent  William's  partner  and  wife.  Anita  realizes  what 
Morgan  has  done,  so  she  scares  the  two  with  threats  and  they 
leave.  She  then  tells  Morgan  that  she  gave  them  the  money, 
but  he  can't  find  them.  Finally  the  situation  is  cleared,  and 
Anita  is  conceded  to  be  very  clever  indeed. 

(Royalty,  $25.00.)  Price,  75  cents. 


CROWING  PAINS 

Comedy.  3  acts.  By  Aurania  Rouverol.  7  males,  8 
females,  i  set  (patio).  Modern  costumes. 

Produced  originally   at   the   Ambassador   Theatre   in   New 
k.  George  and  Terry  are  the  son  and  daughter  of  Professor 
and  Mrs.  Mclntyre  who  str  •  n;h   to  lead  their  chil 

dren  through  the  difficult  phases  of  adolescence,  so  familiar 
to  us  all.  Terry  is  sho\vn  outgrowing  the  toml  and 

unable  to  play  with  the  boys  on  an  equal  status.  She  finds 
herself  thrown  back  on  her  feminine  and  how  she 

tries  out    her   "resources."   makes   this   play   an   illuminating 
.study    of    feminine    p-  the    boy 

adolescent,  goes  through  the  customan   symptoms  o: 
—begging   his   parents   for   a   car— and   falling  victim   of   the 
wiles  of  Prudence,  a  successful  "vamp"  in  the  neighborhood. 
At  a  par:  e  more  ice  cream.  In  his 

rush  to  get  back   for   his  dance  with   Prudence,  he  passes  a 
traffic  light,  and  is  pursued  home  by  an  officer,  subsequv . 
is  hauled  off  to  jail,  l.>ses  Prudence,  but  discovers  a  new  blue- 
eyed  blonde  in  the  neighborhood. 

(Royalty,  $25.1  .nts. 

THE  BISHOP  MISBEHAVES 

Farce-comedy.  3  acts.  By  Frederick  Jackson.  7 
males,  3  females.  2  interiors.  Modern  costup 

Produced  originally  by  John  Golden  at  the  Court  Theatre, 

s  York,  with  Walter  Connolly  in  the  leading  role.  Here 
is  the  story  of  the  Bishop,  an  elderly  and  saintly  dignitary, 
who  stops  by  accident  with  his  chairning  and  quaint  sister 
at  a  roadside  inn  just  after  there  t  hold-up  and  rob 

bery.  The  Bishop  has  always  had  a  secret  love  for  detective 
stories  and  here  is  a  chance  to  apply  some  of  his  choicest 

itions.   His  sister,   thrilled  with   the  excitement  of  it   all, 

erly  joins  in.  The  Bishop,  nov,  policeman,  gobbles 

5  and  discovers  the  stolen  jewels.  Deftly  removing  them 
from  a  mug  on  the  wall  he  leaves  in  their  stead,  one  of  his 
calling  cards,  and  proceeds  to  his  home  to  await  developments. 
The  developments  arrive  in  the  form  of  three  ruffians,  the 
masked  hero  in  evening  clothes,  and  the  attractive  heroine 
who  had  engineered  the  robbery.  From  now  on  it  is  a  game 
of  outguessing,  turning  tables,  turning  out  lights,  knife-bran 
dishing,  and  gun-play,  until  the  Bishop  finally  emerges  tri 
umphant  to  bestow  his  blessing  on  the  young  hero  and  charm 
ing  heroine. 

(Royalty,  $25.00.)  Price,  75  cent*. 


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